so I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered-- All I am is Yours!

what if we all believed in a God that could make our spirits dance and sing the way we do when we go to our worship services, when we're just sitting alone in a room... no band leading us, no friends next to us, just us and a chair. you know the worship services I'm talking about, the ones that rock us and make us scream and shout and wave our arms around for Jesus. the ones with the most talented guitar players that play our favorite worship tunes from Hillsong and Chris Tomlin and all the other Christian music resources. Cause I gotta tell you, I think when we do that every week, soemtimes we get into this rhythm. A rhythm where we NEED that amazing band, with the drums and the violin and the guitars and the piano and singers, in order to get really into the music and then into the spirit of worship with the Lord. Because as humans in these physical bodies we have, and our natural instincts, and just the way we are in our flesh... we associate things all the time with our feelings and our sentiments and emotions and experiences. And I think a lot of Christians walk away from these worship experiences so many times that it begins to feel like that's the standard- that's the way our worship time should be, at the least, to feel connected to God and glorify Him with our songs and our dancing.

And that leads us to a lot of disappointment, and unrest in our souls. What if we played that song from our laptops when we're sitting on the computer in a room all by ourselves, with no "introduction" of worship songs to get us into "the mood", or a youth pastor to pray and get our attention set on God for us. What if we just sat there doing our thing, and turned on a worship song through youtube. and what if that's all we needed to set our heart to dancing and make our souls sing for Jesus, and wave our arms around, and have an extreme physical reaction to the music we hear, and the words that we're singing. Because our God is just THAT amazing. He doesn't need lights and he doesnt need any of that extra stuff. It's just Him and us. Him and me. in a room, dancing. singing with all of my lungs.

that's the kind of God I believe in.

And having all of that "stuff"- the amazingly talented worship band, all the musical instruments, the sound system, the lights- that stuff is all good. It's GOOD. It's wonderful. People who were given great gifts get to use their musical talents to lead other people in worship to glorify God, that is good. and it is good to appreciate them and love the music they make.

but be careful not to fall into that motion, the one where you need THEM and all of that "stuff" to worship God. None of that really matters, except your heart, when it really comes down to it. And I believe that our God doesn't need anything to make Him look better than He already looks, and make His worship songs sound better than they already are. He is perfection. and He is all I need. I just wonder sometimes if anyone else falls into that rhythm, the one I described above, cause I know I have. I love music so much and I get really into it, but I gotta confess sometimes if that stuff isn't all there, it's hard for me to connect and worship. but you just have to remember it's about God, and nothing else.

I wonder how awesome it would be if we ALL believed in a God that didn't need anything but Himself to worship with all of our might. just sitting in a room with a computer and a chair and yourself- dancing and singing and worshipping Him. <3

I picture you in the sun.

I think a lot about how things have changed. Not in a bad or good way, but just that there has been change. I see bits and pieces of the person I was one year ago, but thinking of everything together in one whole person is something I cannot remember or recall very well. I've forgotten, because I am so far away from that person in that body and mind. But I'll always remember the way I felt. I'm reminded of that when I walk by people, sometimes, and there eyes look like mine did when I looked at myself in the mirror. But I saw the mirror broken up in razor sharp pieces and none of the pieces fit together no matter how hard I tried to imagine them back together and whole. I couldn't even dream my life back together. I was so far away from now.

Whole. Beautiful. Radiant. Strong.

I don't want to experience the kinds of things I have gone through over the past year again, but if they did happen again, I'd be able to get through it. I know that. I know that now.

Sometimes I see faces of people that hurt so bad just to catch a glimpse of their pain, I wonder how horrible they feel in all their suffering. And I wonder how much of our suffering is caused by ourselves, and how much is caused by forces outside of our control, and how to deal with the two and how they differ and why they exist.

I think love sets us free. And anything that doesn't, probably isn't real love. It's probably just our own deceiving of ourselves, and confusing our hopes and desires and needs together in one big heap. That means I've been chained for a very long time, and I've been living disillusioned to knowing love and receiving it and giving it back. the only true love I've ever felt is the love of God that rains down on me when I sit in a quiet room all by myself and open up my heart to my Maker. And the love from my friends, the ones that walk in when the rest of the world walks out-those friends. All the rest is just pretend. And actually, thinking about this doesn't make me feel like I've missed out on experiencing real love other ways, it makes me feel special and chosen and significant, knowing that God loves ME for me. and if nobody else in this world loved me, God's love would be more than enough to live with forever. My cup runeth over, eh?

Yes, it does.