Sisterly Love and Fall...

I love my sister Erin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we walked around campus this afternoon and took pics together. it was gorgeous out. we had so much fun!!! I love FALL!

We ended our time together with delicious smoothies. :-)

I can do the Merengue!

Random:

my dream car once i have lots of money and can buy my own car: an Acura TL, or, an Acura TSX.

I am obsessed with Jesse McCartney's song, "Right Where You Want Me." I have it on repeat right now. P.S. Jesse McCartney is a good lookin' fellow.

I did horrible on my first midterm, which happened to be in the worst class I'm taking which I hate with everything that is in me-- Geology 100. Kill me, please. I got a D. (I don't get D's.......ever). I guess I can't say that anymore though, huh?

I want to go to China on a mission trip. I guess Jon Kalvig (new college ministry guy at valley church), is going sometime and has been there before. so I think I'll just go with him... haha.

I also want to go back to Belize!!!!!!!!!! seriously it's my life goal to go back there someday.

---------------------------

ok, no more random stuff. the past few days have been pretty great. well, starting with last friday night... funny story, I was watching tv in my room and I guess I just fell asleep on the futon at like 5 pm, and... didnt wake up until 10 pm! ahh! a friday night! i totally missed dinner too. so i woke myself up, had a cup of tea, tried to keep myself up, then gave in and went to bed by 11:30 haha. i am so not the party animal i thought i would be. in fact, i haven't been to one party since i've moved to college. this can be seen as good, or bad, i choose to see it as neutral and just move on from that fact, lol.

Saturday morning I met up with my fellow Hixson scholars outside the Memorial Union at 9:30 a.m., we loaded up in our vans with our recitation groups (there are about 10 of us and we have 2 leaders, one is a sophomore and one is a junior and they were also Hixson scholars). I was still waking up, and i felt a little uncomfortable being packed into a van with my group, whom I still didnt know very well at this point. but, seize the day i suppose, eh? I was going to be spending 9 hours with them that day at Camp Hannesa (sp?), so might as well make friends and have a good time. So, that's what I did! We did a ton of stuff. let's see here.... learned how to play flippy cup with a root beer keg (it was hilarious), and had a big competition between all of the groups (there are 8 groups in all). The whole time we were in the main dining center of the camp, they had sweet tunes blaring, all the stuff you hear on the radio these days from Chamillionaire to... I dont know, just everything haha, rap, hip hop, it was great, helped make it seem more like a party than a required activity for school. Then we did a bunch of funny "individual" events, like chubby bunny (one guy fit 24 or 25 marshmallows in his mouth... holy cow...), and being blindfolded and finding a piece of bubble gum amidst whipped cream, starbursts and other candies in a pie tin then being the first one to blow a bubble. very entertaining. we did outside things too, like tug of war, which I hated. haha. then the most ridiculous game ever, where one person wraps pantyhose around their forehead and inside the pantyhose is an egg, so the egg hangs down right in front of your forehead pretty much. then one person sits on their shoulders and has a rolled up newspaper... object of the game? run around and the person sitting on the other person's shoulders tries to break other people's eggs by hitting everyone else in the face as hard as they can.. ahahahahhahaa. it was AWESOME. one of our guys, Josh, who is pretty big and strong, was our egg guy, and I sat on his shoulders and held on for dear life and swung as hard as i could and hit people in the face... lol, it was hysterical. AND, we ended up getting 2nd place, it was down to me and another girl on this other guy's shoulders...and she got Josh's egg to break completely right before I got the other guy's to break. so yeah, it was SWEET. definitely raised the morale of my team, haha, because we had sucked at all the other games. We did a bunch of other fun games back inside... we played "skin the snake" which was awkward and fun, lol, and our team rocked at it. we also did the games where you have to pass the orange from person to person with your chin/neck, so you look like youre making out with that person... it was great. haha. we also had to pass a cucumber with our knees, and pass a stick of celery with our elbows. it was extremely hard and entertaining, mostly the orange, but yeah, good times. we all felt a little closer after that... haha. umm, what else... oh, this boring one where we had a bunch of shapes taped on the floor, and we had to fit our entire group into the shape without touching outside of the lines... it was really easy once we got a good strategy. then we had some free time, so I played volleyball with a bunch of people and that was fun.

THEN... the best part of the day! They had a professional dance teacher come in and teach anyone who wanted to, to learn how to dance the merengue (sp)!!! it was AMAZING! my friend Brittany and I partnered up b/c we didnt want to be with any of the guys haha, and we were both really good at it so it worked so well and we had a BLAST. the teacher said we should have been teaching the class... lol. i was so excited when we finally put all the steps together and could do it to the music for a long time and just have fun! it was fantastic. THEN, they had 2 people come in and teach us how to swing dance... and there are many different types of swing dancing, so this kind was East Coast swing dancing! it was freaking cool. haha and the teachers made the "leads" switch partner every now and then, so I got to dance with a bunch of guys... lol... some cute, some extreeemely cute. some were awful dancers, but a few were fantastic! so it was fun. and i got to dance with one of my leaders, Jesse, haha, and it was super fun :-). the best part of the dances is the dipping part, its so cool, and looks so freaking sweet. so I now know how to merengue and do east coast swing! it was SO MUCH FUN, and the rest of the night we couldnt stop dancing so we had dance parties during dinner, haha. My team won the scavenger hunt, so we won a free ice cream partyyyy... yay! after dinner, we all had clean-up duties, so my group sweeped the entire dining room floor, then we headed home to ISU. overall, it was a fantastic day. I got a lot closer to my group especially, and a few people in particular, which is really exciting for me because I need new friends here! haha.

I got back to my room around 7:15 that night, then my mom picked me up and brought me home to West Des Moines. I showered, then relaxed and hung out with my parents until Aubrey came over. Aubs and I hottubbed and talked for two hours, until like 12:30. it was WONDERFUL. one of the best conversations i've ever had with someone I think... I don't know why, but Aubrey and I have a way of ending up talking about really deep, spiritual things and they are just amazing talks. Sunday morning I woke up at 10, worked on homework for a few hours, then showered. THEN..... surprise! SAM came over!!! so I got to sit with her and talk for an hour and catch up on things... it was simply fantastic. then I got my things ready, and headed back here to ISU. I spent most my evening NOT doing any homework that i should have been doing, haha, and talking to Adam, Zach, and Aubrey for a long time. it was great. love them.

Today was a good day. it just was :-). Except for the fact that my cough is WORSE and at night I basically cant stop coughing for a really long time, and i wake up throughout the night because i have to cough... :-(. it sucks, not gonna lie. Tonight was wonderful! Erin, Catherine and I drove to Blinks coffeehouse to hang out and eat dinner with Brandon Barker, Jon Kalvig, Heather, and.... JEN!!! my old small group leader/mentor, friend, and pretty much my hero!!! it was so great to see her and catch up. it made my day. brandon barker was the other part that made my day, because I just love him to death, he has got to be one of my favorite people on this earth. haha. we got a TON of FREE STUFF!!!! haha.. free stuff... is awesome. basically, I got a life-time supply of hot cocoa mix, a SWEET nalgene bottle w/ the epoch college ministry logo and a myunderground.org, silver carabeener. also, two t-shirts, the surge icamp 2005 tshirt and a tie-dyed tshirt from rosebud. i will never say no to free tshirts! i also got 3 free awesome books, i forget the titles.. but they look gooooood, and i might just read them if i ever have the time to read anything other than textbooks.. lol. OH! and i got a valley church MUG! and it's GREEN. oh my gosh, i just get so overjoyed about free stuff. I love Brandon. haha. I also actually talked to Jon Kalvig this time and he is such a cool guy, I can't wait to get to know him better as my college ministry leader! and obviously I'm going to China with him, so, yeah. :-)

I wrote this as I was taking a break from studying for my poli. sci. 251 midterm... which is tomorrow at 9:30 a.m.! now i have to get back to studying, because i will be extremely upset if I don't do well on this test. like... extremely, extremely. the stuff is just so complex and all these terms like realism, liberalism, neorealism, neoliberalism, contructivists, postpositivism, empiricists......ahhhh!!!! and thats just a fraction of one chapter, and i believe this test covers 4 or 5 chapters. yeah. good stuff. i dont know, i just hope i can pull myself together for this, because i need to do well on something or i think i will just drop out of college... lol, ok, no I won't, but... grrr. i've felt kind of discouraged lately in school. :-( anyway, back to studying I go!

Love.

p.s. still listening to Jesse McCartney!

if i were feeling bold

Basically... I should just send this in a letter to him and label it 'from me to you.'


I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turn around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever want to leave
Maybe you could not believe it

That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go.
--Lifehouse

<3

flu season is coming... this is just the beginning.

i think i'm coming down with a real cold now... like i've been sort of sick for the past few weeks, first from my horrible allergies, then they got better but i got a cough... and now, i am feverish, then get chills, my head hurts, and my body aches. plus, my cough is worse. so! in conclusion, i think i have a cold, or, i'm on the brink of getting one.

tonight i went to my first club meeting for Painters Anonymous, in the college of design. it was a nice walk over there, around 8 oclock. not too freezing, but cold enough to kind of clear your head and your lungs. anyway, i'm really excited about this club! we have a few things planned for the next couple months... we have a show/exhibit opportunity at the Stomping Grounds coffee place here on campus, a workshop on scenic murals in a couple weeks and i think helping paint the set for the upcoming musical/play or something at the theater, a day of painting at reimen gardens, and then at the beginning of October we have a psychology speaker come talk to us about visual perception and how the brain works in relation to the arts and stuff. sounds really, really cool. i am glad i am getting plugged into this group! yayyy.

Aubrey and I talked on the phone tonight, finally!!!!!! it made me so happy to catch up with her! i miss her so much and can't wait to see her on Saturday.

In other news... the art director from Insight Magazine (the magazine that is paying me and publishing a nonfiction piece i wrote about my experiences with kidney stones and how my faith transformed my life and helped me overcome the hardships that come with the disease), called me yesterday and told me he wanted a picture of me to go with the story, so he asked if i either had friends who are good with photography who could take a photo of me, or he would hire someone out here to come to me and do it. haha.. so i quickly told him that i have some friends who are definitely photography people who could do it for me. so, anyway, then he was like explaining what pose and what his vision was for the picture- me sitting by the window in my dorm, with like my Bible in my hands, and just sort of looking out the window like i'm reflecting.. haha, yeah. and he was explaining every little detail about it.. like what to wear and what not to wear haha (no spaghetti straps and "immodest" clothing, not a problem!), and to keep my makeup "natural"... lol, i dont know, i was listening to him and i just still couldnt get it through my head that something i wrote is going to be in a teen christian magazine, and i mean.. it's basically my testimony. so... yeah, i'm just really, really pumped! I'm going to have miss Jamie Letourneau take the photograph, and she will get her name credited in the magazine, so thats pretty cool too. :-)

I really miss my Pledge group from last year. That was the highlight of my week my senior year... well besides Crew! ahhh. I miss it!! :-(

I'm gonna go to bed early now... i feel like... crap.... haha.

Love.

I'm an ENFP!

Today in my Hixson scholar seminar, we actually talked about something that was interesting and cool. Very exciting, I know. So, right, we filled out this worksheet- "Verifying Your Type Preferences," so we had to mark where on a line we think we fit when it comes to the following four categories (based on descriptions given to us about each):

1. Extraversion (E) vs. Introversion (I)
2. Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N)
3. Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F)
4. Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P)

So from that, I ended up being the type ENFP (Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving). There are 16 types in all, and I will not be naming them all, haha, but yes there are 16 different combinations!

Then, we were each handed a report from this thing we had filled out a couple weeks ago, called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Instrument. It's supposed to be a very accurate indicator of our psychological type, not perfect, but accurate. The report ALSO indicated that I am the ENFP type! it was just weird to me that both times I turned out the same, so I guess I must know myself pretty well if I answered the same way for each exercise. Anyway, this report gave us an in-depth description of our psychological type. I read the back sheet of the packet that summarized everything about the ENFP type, and it completely amazed me as I read it because it was like I was reading something describing Emily Joann Ryan Sexton, not just some type, but... they freaking described who I am, like it's an exact fit. It was just crazy! so I thought it was so cool, I'm gonna post it here--

At Their Best-
For people w/ ENFP preferences, life is a creative adventure full of exciting possibilities. ENFPs are keenly perceptive about people and insightful about the present and future. They experience a wide range of feelings and intense emotions (so, so, so true). They need affirmation from others and readily give appreciation and support.
ENFPs are good at understanding how people and groups work and are persuasive and compelling in pursuing what is important to them. They are adaptable, blooming where they are planted. Their energy and enthusiasm encourage others to bloom as well.

Characteristics of ENFPs:
ENFPs are innovators, initiating projects and directing great energy into getting them under way. Using intution primarily externally, they are stimulated by new people, ideas, & experiences. They find meaning and significance readily and see connections that others don't. They are likely to be

• curious, creative, and imaginative
• energetic, enthusiastic, and spontaneous

ENFPs value harmony & goodwill. They like to please others and will adapt to others' needs and wishes when possible (oh gosh, BIG people-pleaser right here...). ENFPs primarily use feeling internally, making decisions by applying personal values through identification & empathy with others. ENFPs are likely to be

• warm, friendly, and caring
• cooperative and supportive

ENFPs have exceptional insight into possibilities in others and the energy and motivation to help actualize them. They feel confident moving ahead based on their insights, and their enthusiasm tends to bring others along with them.

How Others May See Them-
ENFPs are usually lively, gregarious, and sociable, with a large circle of friends (ok, check, check, check, aaand check). They are interested in almost everything and bring a zest to life that draws others to them. At the same time, they value depth and authenticity in their close relationships and direct great energy to creating and supporting open and honest communication (this is me for sure!).
ENFPs hate routine, schedules, and structure and usually manage to avoid them (hahaha..yeah). They are normally verbally fluent, even in extemporaneous situations; however, when their deepest values need expression, they may suddenly be awkward and express their judgments with uncharacteristic intensity. Others usually see ENFPs as

• personable, perceptive, and persuasive
• enthusiastic, spontaneous, and versatile
• giving and seeking affirmation

Potential Areas for Growth-
Sometimes life circumstances have not supported ENFPs in the development and expression of their feeling and intuitive preferences.

1. if they haven't developed their Feeling, they may go from enthusiasm to enthusiasm, never committing the energy necessary to actualize their insights, or they may make overly personal decisions (mmhmm..).
2. if they haven't developed their Intuition, they may fail to take in enough information, lack trust in their own insights, be uncertain, and accept others' perceptions too quickly.

If ENFPs don't find a place where they can use their gifts and be appreciated for their contributions, they usually feel frustrated (incredibly true), and may

• become scattered, have trouble focusing, be easily distracted
• fail to follow through on decisions
• become rebellious, excessively nonconforming (hmm yeah that's NEVER happened before... ;-) haha).
• ignore deadlines and procedures

It is natural for ENFPs to give less attention to their non-preferred Sensing and Thinking parts. If they neglect these too much, however, they may

• not take care of the details and routine required for implementing their inspirations
• overextend themselves--have trouble saying no to interesting possibilities and people
• fail to apply reason and logic to assess their inspirations and decisions (uh huh, yup).

Under great stress, ENFPs may become overwhelmed by detail and lose their normal perspective and sense of options. Then they tend to focus on an unimportant or distorted detail, letting it become the central fact of their universe.

Another summary of ENFPs:
Warmly enthusiastic planners of change; imaginative, individualistic; pursue inspiration with impulsive energy (OH YEAH!); seek to understand and inspire others. With extraverted intuition as the strongest mental process, they are at their best when caught in the enthusiasm of a project, sparking others to see its benefits. They value:

• the surge of inspirations; the pull of emerging possibilities
• a life of variety, people, warm relationships
• following their insights wherever they lead
• finding meanings behind the facts (oh yes!)
• creativity, originality, a fresh perspective
• an optomistic, positive, enthusiastic view of life (thaaaat's me!!)
• flexibility and openness
• exploring, devising and trying out new things
• open-ended opportunities and options
• freedom from the requirement of being practical (haha, yeah...)
• learning through action, variety, and discovery
• a belief that any obstacles can be overcome (it's only like my life motto..)
• a focus on people's potentials
• brainstorming to solve problems
• work made light and playful by inspiration

-----------------------------------------------

Pretty cool, huh? I thought so. That's me!!! I was creeped out by how incredibly exact these descriptions are of how I learn, what I value, etc. Yeah, so, pretty freakin' sweet! That's all I've got. Love.

"...and i, i am not into... the idea, of being without you!"

--the rocket summer.

I have an urge to post lots of pictures... I don't know why.
Here are a few (ok, more than just a few), people whom I miss... a lot:

I love you.
I miss you.
The end.

HE is everywhere.

This afternoon, I had to walk over to Ross Hall to turn in my Visual Analysis Essay on a magazine ad. On the walk back, I was overtaken by the beauty of the Iowa State campus. So, I plopped down in the middle of central campus in the shade of a lovely tree, listened to my ipod, and wrote a little in my moleskin. Lately I have just been journaling in my green notebook (my birthday present from the beautiful Sam Carlson), but since I don't usually take it with me everywhere I go like my moleskin, I wrote in it instead. This is what I wrote...

As I am sitting here in a sea of soft, green grass, underneath the gracious canopy of a monstrous tree with many limbs and trunks weaving every which way... I am thinking about the beauty of this place. I'm thinking about the magnificent creation above me, underneath me, and all around me. God is here, in this place, with me. He is in the grass and He is in the soil, He is in the swaying branches all the way to the tips of the leaves. He is everywhere-- in the lovely breeze, the pockets of clouds in the tranquil sky. I sense His love here. I don't just FEEL it, I sense it- meaning, in every way possible... I see it, hear it, smell it... because His love is in every blade of grass I am laying on, it's in every gust of wind that blows the smell of change to my nose. His love and His majesty are just everywhere!

He frees me.
Being around His glorious creation just frees my spirit.
I'm flying now.
My soul is soaring free!

The feeling is much like me laying here now, with my shoes off... feeling the ground with my barefeet and the cool grass inbetween my toes. It's just so liberating!

Thank you, Father. :-)

Glorious, just glorious!

WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY TO PLAY SOCCER!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my gosh! the weather was absolutely perfect for practice tonight. Nice, crisp, clean, cool air... cloudy, no sun in my eyes... cleaned my lungs out real good, and i didn't feel like fainting from heat stroke!! NICE!!! Oh, it was just splendid tonight! I was feeling so joyful and jubilant inside. Plus, one of the girls on the team brought her 3-month old PUPPY (border collie mix... CUUUUTE!), and she was chained up to a tree by all of our stuff during practice, so every time we took a water break we got to play with her... puppies make me sooo happy, 'cause they are just so DARN cute and playful! It made me miss my dogs a little bit, but it wasn't too bad. Anyway, tonight I played GREAT... I was really feelin' it tonight, for some reason... everything just seemed to come together. the ball was going where I wanted it to go, I wasn't dying in the middle of practice, my team won every game we played, and I had some really, really, really excellent crosses and looks that the other forward, my friend Kim, almost scored on. I just can't wait to prove ourselves in a real game next week! I am learning the things I really need to work on, like really polishing off some nice combinations to score, squaring the ball to get a goal between me and Kim when we are up at forward, taking advantage of space when I can call "line" and get either a run, a give 'n' go, or a cross/switch. weeeeeeeeeeee!!! i'm just excited. ball skills are definitely improving a ton, and my coach Rafael (Raf for short) is really working us on "ready feet" and always being on the tips of our toes and checking for the ball, not waiting and standing back. Tonight's big scrimmage game was all about pressuring the other team... and I was really proud of how well my team and I were doing that. Every time an opponent had possession, someone was ON that person like *THAT*! hahah (imagine me saying that and snapping my fingers when I come to the "THAT" part). yep. so yeah, pressure was excellent tonight... I hope we can do that in the game... really kick some butt. yeah!!! :-) All in all, tonight was SWEET!!!!!!!!!

Here are some random facts about me that no one needs to know:

1. I only shower in the second stall from the left! I have yet to go in to take a shower and find it already taken... so it's basically MY shower stall, mmkay?
2. I have claimed the third sink in on the right (window) side of the bathroom as mine... when I go to wash my face/brush my teeth at night and in the morning, I only go to that sink.
sidenote: if somebody happens to be using my sink... I will indeed wait to use it, forget the other 7 sinks! psh!
3. we have been talking about the ancient Islam community in my poli. sci. 251 class, and I am finding it A.) very confusing, and B.) very intriguing.
4. Tonight at practice, I got hit a fair few times (ok... like, 10) right in my gut with the dang soccer ball... usually from having it thrown in and me trying to turn with it and stuff during our warm-up drill involving (you guessed it) thrown-ins and turns! so yeah... i got smacked right in the gut a bunch of times, and not gonna lie... I sort of feel sick now.. haha. and like every time i tighten or harden my abdominal region, my entire insides like shudder and tremble a bit... it's odd.......
5. If you ask my opinion, I think that the British and the French were basically asking Germany to one day come back and stage their revenge on them for imposing such harsh peace conditions on Germany in the Treaty of Versailles that ended WWI. Germany was already devastated as a country and politically as well from the Great War, and now having to basically pay back everyone in reparations and having such harsh conditions in the Treaty, I mean... of COURSE when an influential totalitarian leader came along (Hitler), it would be stupid not to think that Germany was planning to take revenge on the world that basically promised their country into a life of poverty, an economic depression, and despair. Maybe the Brits and the French should not have rejected practically all of Wilson's Fourteen Points, eh?? I don't know. maybe WWII was inevitable, maybe not. I think there's a direct link from WWI to the beginning of WWII, and obviously there were so many other things that led to Pearl Harbor and everything like that.... but yeah, that's what I think. I just wanted to get that out there, and it's not very put-together, but that's my opinion. haha. don't yell at me, I just think it was kind of like... well DUH!! about Germany coming back even stronger and building such an intense war machine like they did for WWII... I don't know... whatev. Seems clear to us now, but I guess back then we didn't have the knowledge we do now?? meh. I dont knowwww.

6. I have to go write my rough draft now... the whole thing... right nowww!

This guy (middle) leaves tomorrow to begin his training to enter the U.S. Navy. Pray for him as he takes a huge step toward the unknown!!! I love you, Derek... you will be missed!

Adieu! <3

Happy Birthday, Bryan Daniel Wentworth!

ok well, times are still kind of hard right now, um, in the sense that... I've got a lot going on... like emotionally, psychologically, and physically too. but, a had a nice weekend at home again. this time, i didn't go home just for the sake of me wanting to go home because i miss it, i went home to see my boys play a show in waukee on saturday night. so i went to that and just had a really good time seeing everyone... like Sam, Cort, obviously the ATA guys, James, Kayla, Lindsey, and many other fantastic people that I love. I had the opportunity to spend some time talking to two of my favorite parents in the whole world (besides my own)-- Dan and Ruth Wentworth. I just love them to death!!! I loved watching the guys play, as always, but it was great this time because it had been quite a while since the last show I saw. I feel as if this was show number 50 or something.. haha.. nah, they haven't played that many shows, but it sure feels like I've seen a bunch. and I love it every time.

After the show, everyone went back to the Wentworth's house and we celebrated Bry's 18th birthday like one big family! Bry blew out the candles on his cheesecake after we sang a lovely rendition of "happy birthday" to him. haha. it was wonderful. we turned some tuneskies on and it was just a party, lots of fun. I definitely spent some quality time with Luke, and I even got to spend some time with Kayla's brother Blake, who I found to be a really awesome person... we even shared our FIRST hug!! haha. I don't know about anybody else, but like when I meet someone and have like that first time of actual "hanging out" with them, and then you say goodbye and part ways... and you get to that awkward moment where you are about to hug, but you've never hugged before so you're wondering what it's going to be like..... haha, so yeah I always say something about it to take away the awkwardness of the situation. like, hey we can have our first hug! yay!! lol. thankfully, it was a great hug. i dont know what i would have done if it was just a really sucky hug.... probably make him try again or something, yeah.. pretty much. :-)

this morning, as in Sunday morning... I played hookie and did not attend church. I slept in for the first time in a LONGGG TIME! I never get to sleep in during the week because I always have 9 oclock class... and then Saturday I had to wake up early for an event for my Hixson scholarship, so I definitely took advantage of Sunday morning and slept in until noon. It was absolutely superb. YES. superb. My mom played hookie too so we layed around together with my dogs and enjoyed the lazy afternoon. such a gloomy day today... with the constant rain and everything. I finished my political science homework, this week we are diving in to theories about World War I, aka the Great War... so I am excited! Not as excited as I would be if we were at the point of discussing World War II, but excited nonetheless, that's for sure.

Zach came over around 5:15 and we sat in my basement for a half an hour and chilled and talked until we left to come back to Ames. haha, he made me feel bad for being lazy... but at least I didnt lose my cell phone, lose my ISU card, OR forget my car keys like he did all in the course of last week. haha. oh, Zach... I still love you.

I feel a lot of appreciation for my friends right now... just appreciation for how they make me feel, and that they love me, and that their presences just lift me up right when I need to be lifted up the most. They really are gifts from God, my heavenly Father who loves me so much. What a great thing to know... that I am loved.

I get to sleep in tomorrow because I don't have my Engl. 105 class all this week... basically because my professor is sweeeeeet! so my first class is at 11, and it's my JLMC 101 lecture class... which I pretty much love. ok. I'm pumped. goodnight <3

the rawness of my heart.

Life just doesn't seem to be getting any easier for me right now. I need a break, but instead, I keep getting more and more on my plate. So, I wrote a poem. Mostly it is just a crappy attempt to formulate my feelings into coherent sentences, and sometimes the stanzas rhyme. yep that's about it. sometimes i wonder why i even bother to post my poems when I almost always think they suck (I'll admit I've written a couple good ones. a couple), especially RIGHT after writing them. and... I guess, i do it because i like things when they're raw. you know... that's when they seem most real to me. and i like real.

(so far no title)

all i do is dream about you
about us - being together
i know they're just dreams
but, i thought, maybe...
they would turn into reality.

but now my heart is cold
seems like my life is about to fold
because i love you SO much
yet, cannot feel your touch
(it just makes me empty)

your words break me in two
honey, i fell so hard for you
and now, you choose another
when i could've been your lover
(nothing seems right here)

i should have been prepared
for something like this to happen
but my dreams got in the way
i was hoping for the better
(guess it just didn't work out)

this morning i came to find
i died a little more inside...
when you slammed the door
that bridged us together before
(it used to swing wide open)

have i lost you now for good?
even though i did all i could
to make you mine...
and choose water over wine
(i just cannot accept this)

you'd think true love would conquer all
but, somehow, it became my fall
although i will keep on loving you the same
you'll bring me to my knees every time you say her name
i can't help the way i feel.
---

~Emily Joann Sexton, 9/8/06, approx. 3:30 pm
------

I'd also like to include some quotes from one of my favorite authors, Sarah Dessen... from her book Someone Like You--

"There are some things in this world you rely on, like a sure bet. And when they let you down, shifting from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand."

"You can't just turn your heart off like a faucet; you have to go to the source and dry it out, drop by drop."

And from another great author, Dandi Daley Mackall, from her book Love Rules...

"I can't shut him out. I can't keep his words from sinking into me. They cut into my chest, my heart, until I think I'm going to be sick and never feel right again."

And, lastly, this:

"It was hard love, every step of the way,
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away,
And when all the stars & sentimental songs dissolved today,
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love.

So I loved you for your courage and your gentle
sense of shame,
And I loved you for your laughter and your language
and your name,
And I knew it was impossible but I loved you just the same,
Though the only love I gave to you was hard love.

It was hard love, it was hard on you I know,
When the only love I gave to you was love I couldn't show.
You forgave the heart that loved you as your lover
turned to go,
Leaving nothing but the memory of hard love.

So I'm standing in this phone booth with a dollar & a dime,
Wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind,
For the Lord's cross might redeem us, but our own just
wastes our time,
And to tell the two apart is always hard, love.

So I'll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away,
And I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day,
How you help me to accept myself and I won't forget to say,
Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love.

Yes it's hard love, but it's love all the same,
Not the stuff of fantasy but more than just a game.
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of then name,
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love."
--Bob Franke.

Progression

I am slowly, very slowly feeling more at home here in Ames. I think the 90% (representing the percentage of how often I wish I were home rather than here in Ames), is becoming about a 75% right now. I say that's progress.

well I took my cough syrup so I will soon be drifting off to a nice slumber... but, hmm. interesting day/night. I am really focusing on my studies right now, and soccer, so I think it's helping me cope with all the changes. I had dinner with my sis tonight, and I just loved it because I just really wanted to be with her and she is just such a sight for sore eyes- you know? haha.

oh, I watched Laguna tonight and I JUST LOVED IT!!!! AHHH!!! seriously. I am addicted.
goodnight. <3

Can God Cure Stress? I think so.

Um... alright. I have been thinking all day how much I wanted to write in this thing, and then I get to this point where the computer's in front of me, and I just can't recall why I wanted to write so badly. It's not like I have anything dire or important to write about, or anything mildly interesting or worth reading. But maybe that's not the point. Let's get rolling...

I am currently feeling stressed about a few of my classes...
1. Engl 105
2. Pol. Sci. 251
3. JL MC 110

and then, there are some other things I am also stressed about. I feel like I am being pressured to join some kind of club, especially in my journalism emphasis... and I am actually very interested in doing so, but it's just choosing which one. Because, honestly, I don't think I have time for more than one, not with my soccer schedule. But I am just feeling very pressured to GET INVOLVED!!!! and it's like ok, calm down... but then, I think, well... if I don't get super involved my freshman year, I'll basically just fail the rest of college. because that's just how I think, I'm always "all or nothing"- which, I should probably work on, 'cause that's probably not healthy!
I got my soccer schedule tonight after practice, and just kind of went..."wow." I am excited and can't wait to play our first game, but another side of me is just like ahhhh how do I balance all of this with school and miscellaneous things I have in the back of my head that take up plenty of my time already... how do I do it? well here's the game schedule!

Sun, Sep 17- Iowa at Iowa
Mon, Sep 18- Wartburg at Waverly
Fri, Sep 22- tournament at Boulder, CO
Sat, Sep 23- tournament at Boulder, CO
Sun, Sep 24- tournament at Boulder, CO
Sat, Sep 30- UNI at HOME (Ames)
Sun, Oct 15- Loyola at Chicago, IL
Fri, Oct 20- Grandview at Des Moines
Sun, Oct 22- KU at Lawrence, KS
Sat, Oct 28- Drake at Des Moines
Sun, Nov 5- KU at HOME (Ames)
Sat, Nov 11- UNI at Cedar Falls

Halfway through practice tonight, I almost threw up. It was a combination of not being in shape, running constantly, and already being fatigued from my allergies. Have you ever worked so hard you just felt sick? That's how I felt. And I'm not whining about it, I just couldn't believe how awful I felt. By the end of practice, I was completely WASTED. my body was pushed to its limits, I think I was a minute away from passing out, haha. My calves, feet, and toes were cramping up so badly I just wanted to cry... haha... I couldn't walk... those calf cramps seriously paralyze you, they suck. then I had to walk to my car... and drive it.. haha, all the while my feet were like cramping and just trying to make me scream- but I didn't, and I didn't cry! I did call my mom, haha, and I told her that if I were home I would have made her drive me home... but now I'm at college... I have to do it myself even if I'm in pain. haha. ahh. I just feel completely and utterly drained right now, like there is literally not one ounce of energy left in my body. I don't understand though, because it's not like I'm not getting enough sleep... I got 8 hours last night for crying out loud! haha. but I suppose my allergies are still causing quite a lot of fatigue and such, but my allergy shot last Friday is definitely starting to help, I can just tell. which, is very nice. I'm happy.

One of the reasons I'm so stressed about my JL MC 110 class, is I left class today way more confused about what the heck I want to do than when I walked in the door at the beginning of class. gahH!!!!! I don't know which emphasis is more my style and which I would enjoy more and be better at... newspaper, or magazine. both had reps come in to our class today and discuss specifics about their emphasis, and I am just way confused. confusion = stress!

Yet, I reach for my Bible and find peace, as always.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."- John 16:33

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you."- John 15:7

God is great! <3