Minnesoooooota!

Sooo. I am in MINNESOTA right now.

My friends' band, Amidst the Affliction, had a show booked for tonight- New Years Eve - in a town called Alexandria, MN. and... Kayla, Lindsey and myself decided we wanted to come along for the ride! Then the 7 of us decided to make it a little more of a weekend getaway! So we drove up yesterday, Saturday, and stayed in Minneapolis in a hotel. Today we drove further away to the lovely town of Alexandria and are staying at the place the boys play at, it's a nice place called Club 1. The guys played a great show. They're just amazing, with all their talent and passion for playing music. I just love being able to see them do it! Anyway, I cant wait to celebrate the New Year in couple hours... but unfortunately, i won't be able to ring in the new year like Kayla and Lindsey can. haha. it's actually a bit sad, but.. i won't go into the story. lets just say, in one week, i will be happier than ever! :-)

i'll write more lata. i want to go find the boys!

End of something, beginning of another.

First semester of college: check!

I...
struggled
doubted
fell
hurt
cried
frowned
lost
stumbled
wandered
hated
questioned
dwindled
and...

overcame
strengthened
triumphed
smiled
opened up
laughed
won
sustained
answered
gained
listened
and grew.

sounds pretty good to me.
------------------------------------
my first night of Christmas Break kicked off Saturday night with an amazing worship experience and message on Immanuel ("God with us") at The Dwelling, with some wonderful, VERY missed friends... including two of my favorite people ever- Brandon Barker and Jennifer Van Der Molen. Can't get better than that! Next on the agenda was to head downtown... Mitch & Kayla picked me up, and we headed downtown to ice skate with the rest of the gang- Zach, Blake, Caely, Austin, Lindsey, and Bryan. Unfortunately... the ice skating place ran out of skate sizes larger than 5... hmmmm, not so good for us! Instead, we walked around downtown in the nice and chilly night air. Next stop- Java Joe's. Coffee. gooooooooood. A special little text message :-). Then more walking with the crew, back towards our cars. We ended up standing around the ice arena place and watching all the skaters for quite a while. We pretended to push some of them over as they skated by, and chuckled at some funny people who couldn't skate very well, or couples who looked really awkward. Then we drove back towards WDM and met Luke, Cole, and JR at the lovely Wal-Mart (a nice meeting place we've found). After walking around for a bit and buying some cookie dough to eat as we walked... we decided it was a good night to go deer mounting. Oh, what a funny time. It was a competition between two groups- two cars. My car: Cole, Austin, Luke, Blake, Chris and I. The other car: Zach, Bry, JR, Linds, and Cae. We met at Hy-vee about 45 minutes later... the total count for my car: 31. the total count for the other car: 6. HA! beat 'em! :-)

It was a nice of adventures and lots of laughter, that's for sure...

Aubs met up with us, and Cae and Linds left to make their curfews. So we all headed over to JR's domain and ended up taking a walk... for like a freaking hour!!!!!!!!! it was the longest walk of our lives... our legs started to hurt... we wanted to kill JR because he couldnt figure out how to get back to his house. oh, JR... but yes, eventually, we did arrive back at his house. Phew. Aubs and I left around 1:30 a.m., and the boys stayed to have a little sleepover at JR's. Cute.

Today was wonderful because I slept in very late. The only reason I actually got out of bed was because Samantha Carlson called and told me she was on her way over to my house! oh goodness! haha. So we talked a little with my momma as i slowly woke up, then the two of us headed to jordan creek mall for some lunch. we talked for a bit and caught up on some things, which i needed to do! i love Sam soo much, i missed talking with her about life. she's my sista. well, miss Sam had to get back to work, so we parted and I basically spent the rest of the day on the couch in our living room watching movie after movie after movie. What can I say? There were a TON of great movies playing on tv! Lord of the Rings 2... then Lord of the Rings 3... The Grinch... How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days!!! goodness gracious! good times. Tomorrow I have plans to actually be productive and contribute to society in some way. so that shall be good.

that's all i've got for now. Love. <3 :-)

mario party PARTY

so... I worked my butt off for a bajillion hours last night to finish my darn english project, that i turned in this morning. *whew*-- GLAD THAT'S DONE! :-)

it only seemed natural that today i just relaxed all afternoon and had some fun too. after lunch with zach, tyler, and a very grumpy JR, i got cozy on the futon and read Harry Potter 6 for a good 2 and a half hours. Yep, that's right, I read for FUN. and for 2 and a half hours! I cannot tell you how long it has been since I have done that... let me put it this way- TOO, too long. So that was wonderful!

wednesday nights are my favorite TV nights. i watch That 70s Show at 5, then Friends at 6 and 6:30, then AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL (it was the FINALE tonight... my favorite girl wonnnn) at 7, then One Tree Hill at 8! After my fantastic relaxation time and lots of snacking, Brian came over to play some Mario Kart. We ended up going down to the 3rd floor den and watched the "Win a Date With Aidan Auction" thingy... very amusing to say the least. After that, Aidan, Brian and I played some Mario Kart and like a solid hour of Mario Party (the original)! We basically played mini-games the entire time and had a blast. haha, we even got shushed by my CA and had to close the door to my room for being too loud and excited about playing all the mini-games! all i have to say is... I will forever be the "Shy Guy Says" QUEEN- no matter what Brian thinks. And Aidan is unbeatable in Skateboard Skamper. Oh, AND... Brian gets props for blowing his Bowser up faster than anyone pretty much every time. yep. nintendo 64 nerd allllll the way!!

very fun night! very fun night indeed :-)

now i am going to go to bed early and get some much-needed sleep. i love it when i get past Wednesday during my school week, because I only have one class on Thursday. soo it's smooth sailing til the weekend for me! oh and i have SALT to look forward to tomorrow! i'm soo excited because it's the Christmas Salt night, so we get to sing all the amazing Christmas tuneskies and worship our Savior allllll together at one service, at 8 oclock instead of either 7 or 9. yayyy.

well goodnight. Love to all <3

Prone To Wander, this heart of mine.

"You've found hope, you've found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love, lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.
She made it easy, made it free,
Made you hurt till you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops, sometimes it flows,
But baby that is how love goes.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

It's a secret no one tells;
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
It's no fairy tale; take it from me,
That's the way it's supposed to be.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
But OH the thrill of it all...
You're on the ride, you might as well
Open your eyes

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

Even angels fall
Even angels fall."
--Jessica Riddle, 10 Things I Hate About You movie soundtrack.
---------------------

This is my absolute favorite old hymn of ALL time.

"Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I'm come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it,
seal it for Thy courts above.

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it,
seal it for Thy courts above
O Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it,
seal it for Thy courts above."

<3<3<3
that's all.

Friendship is beautiful.

tuesday lunch bunch met today. as usual, it was lovely. then cort and i walked back to birch in the beautiful, mild weather, talking about life. duh, what else. i pretty much can't explain how much that kid means to me and how much our friendship has impacted my life. he's one of those friends that you feel like you've known your entire life, even if it's only been a few years. we rented the movie Good Will Hunting, and watched it in his room with Andy and JR. Andy left mid-way through, and Foster arrived a little bit afterwards to join us. When the movie was over, the four of us walked over to Maple-Willow-Larch to get junk food at the C-store. haha. my goodness, the weather was stunningly beautiful! the sun was shining brighter than before, and as we walked i just took in the fresh air that wasn't bitter cold and miserable- like it probably will be tomorrow walking to class! we stocked up on food and drinks, then went back to Cort and JR's room. Cort went down to work on something in the computer lab, so i watched Alex and JR play super mario. Later, JR left, so it was just me and Alex for a little bit. Fos was in such a good mood today, I was very happy to spend some time with him. He seemed to be acting the way he used to when we hung out like every day in the summer of '05. Cort returned and then him and I were alone for a little while because Fos ran back to his frat house to get more food/drinks and a movie! When he got back, we started watching the movie Green Street Hooligans... i think.. yeah i think thats the right title. haha. it has Elijah Wood in it!!!!!!!!! YAY! I was excited!!! but I only got to watch like... 20 mins or so of it, because my momma arrived outside Birch!

yep... she had to make a trip because I (being the incredibly smart woman that I am), left BOTH of my winter coats in the closet back home... yup. So she gave them to me, I got to see my dog Paddy for a few minutes and talk to my mom, as she gave me a ride to the udcc. I met Jamie and Catherine for din din. Then, some friendly faces walked in and ended up sitting at the table right next to us! Brian (erin's boyyyfriend), Brett, and Alex (not Foster) ! Jamie and I ended up staying extra long to talk to them... funny things were said, lets just say that. lots of cracking up was done! haha. Jamie left, then Brian walked me up to my room just to be nice. We ended up getting in a deep discussion on some issues, like about Bible studies and things in Scripture about community...then that turned into being safe and comfortable, needing to step out of that comfort zone...what i want to do, what he wants to do later on in life...it was intense! So... it turned into me and Bro sitting in the hallway down by the Helser 4th floor den and talking for quite a long time. It was a great talk. At the end, Brian just started praying, so we prayed right there as we sat in the hallway. It was really cool. He is a great encourager!

I actually did homework tonight. I also watched the new episode of Gilmore Girls, and That 70s Show after I took my shower.

Sigh. I should go to bed.

Hey, you know what? God is in control, my friends. and He is worthy of our praise, at all times. <3 so with that I bid you goodnight!

You are HOLY, HOLY...

Today was an INCREDIBLE day.
An incredibly GOD-FILLED day!

After my two classes, Erin and I went to lunch. Cort joined, and we caught up with each other and stayed there talking long after Erin had left. Then, we picked a movie to watch. You see, for the past 3 or 4 weeks now, Cort and I have eaten lunch, picked out a movie, and watched it in his room. The 2nd week, if I recall correctly, I began to remininsce on things that were happening exactly one year ago- so at the end of October, beginning of November. I remembered... falling in love with Starbucks, keeping Cort company at Starbucks while he worked, which also made me remember how much Cort and I's friendship grew during those days one year ago, and then... we both came to it-- MOVIE MONDAYS!! Every Monday, a group of us would head over to Bryan Wentworth's wonderful abode and watch a movie after school, right around 5:30/6:00. We would also eat lots and lots, as Mrs. Wentworth was always so generous to cook us up something wonderful or even order us pizza. A couple of us would even bring our homework (mostly me, Sam, and Tim... haha). We watched the sweetest movies ever, usually seasonal ones now that I think of it! Such as... Jingle All The Way, The Santa Clause, and we even watched The Princess Bride as the first official "Movie Monday".

So... as it dawned on me and Cort, we decided that we have created "Movie Tuesday". of course, it will never replace Movie Monday... but, as we are both up here at Iowa State, and we both usually hang out on Tuesdays anyway... why not enjoy a movie and dub it something sweet like Movie Tuesday! exactly. Today we watched Narnia. Sheesh, I loooove that movie! Anyway, when it ended, Cort and I had a great conversation centered around the One thing we love most in life, our Lord Almighty! It is so exciting to sit down with a brother in Christ and talk about the Bible and our lives together, and to watch the other's growth as they walk with the Lord. It's amazing! Well, we got hungry and went to eat dinner at the udcc, as time had passed faster than we both expected I suppose. Afterwards, Cort left and I went upstairs to say hi to mr. Brian Scott. I ended up hanging out with him, Bret, Alex, Saul (sp?), and another kid named Eric for quite a long time as they ate a plethora of strawberry jello cake! It was a very fun time indeed!

Tonight, I studied and did homework in Brian's room, then did some in Jamie's room when Brian went to a meeting, then returned back to Brian's room. Brian asked me a question I had not been asked in quite sometime- "so what's your story? you know, your God story?"... uhh, you mean, my testimony?? "yeah, your God story!" So I ended up talking for what felt like a very long time, one-on-one with Brian, and told him my testimony. It was the most refreshing thing I've felt in a while! Not to mention, the whole time pretty much I was studying in there with him, we were listening to our favorite worship songs, and I was doing my daily devotional by reading through some chapters in Romans and writing prayers to God in my journal. Sometimes we were both just singing the words to "Holy Is The Lord" and "Blessed Be Your Name" and smiling big goofy smiles, because we were both so full of the Spirit. Oh man, it was incredible. And it was a great time for me to get to know Brian, especially now as he is dating my sis. The whole time was just blessed. And then, when it was time for me to come home and get to bed, we prayed together. :-)

I end with this-

"I cry holy, holy begotten Son of God
Ancient of Days...
we cry holy, holy begotten Son of God!"

"Holy, holy is the Lord Almighty... Holy, HOLY!"

Intramural CHAMPS!

(written Friday, November 10th, 2006):

I just had one of the greatest nights ever!

Erin, Jamie, Emily E., Maggie, Natalie K., and I played indoor soccer tonight at the lied rec center and beat all our opponents to become..... THE 2006 INTRAMURAL INDOOR SOCCER CHAMPS!!!!!! we get to go pick up our SWEET intramural shirts sometime next week... i'm wayyy excited!

Jamie was the most amazing goalie ever and stopped the other team's goal from going in during a sudden death shoot out, Erin hussled her butt off (even scored herself a little injury on her knee!), Natalie ran faster than ive ever seen anyone run and defended our precious goal, Emily Eggleston was a defending MACHINE all night, Maggie played with such intensity never missing a chance to win the ball, and I... scored all of our goals :-)...I guess in the second game, I had what you call a hat trick, haha. It was the best team effort I think I've ever been apart of, I love those girls SOOOO much... and wow, there's nothing I love more than soccer... ok besides God but you should already know that haha. so, pretty much, it was a DYNAMITE night!!! oh, AND, two wonderful boys stayed the entire time from 7:30 to 11 and watched all of our games and helped coach us-- mr. Brian Scott and mr. Aidan Rinehart. Two of the bestttt boys i know!

I twisted my knee in the second half of the second game, it hurts a LOT. i dont know, it's messed up a little... ummm, i basically have not even one ounce of energy left in my body, my feet are in pain and feel like theyre on fire.... but i dont care! i had more fun tonight than ive ever had here in Ames with my college friends. :-) oh, and, the "refs"- two of the guys from the boys club soccer team, were super cute and we even got a pic with them at the end of the night. they were cuuuuute.

Other than that, I would just like to end this exciting little blog with one more thing... God is SO great, it amazes me how much strength I have every day because of Him. It's all because of Him. my wonderful Savior. :-)

love you all, i'm about to COLLAPSE. goodnight :-)

Some pictures:

1. after we won the semi-round.
2. after becoming the 2006 indoor soccer champssss, with our beautiful refs :-)

Beautiful Days

Despite the fact that two or three days in a row now, I have awoken early in the morning (before my alarm is even set to go off), with a burning fever that makes me nauseous and has caused me to throw up 3 times...... I'm having a pretty sweet week. haha. That sounds really bad, and... I guess it is, yeah. It is. BUT. I'm having a good week otherwise...

Tuesday I had lunch with Erin, Jamie and Cort which is something I always look forward to. Afterwards, Cort came up to my room and we picked out a movie, then walked back to Birch to watch it in his room. Haha- we watched Harry Potter 4. We also talked a lot about stuff and that was good. That evening, I returned to my room with a pleasant surprise there- Austin! So Catherine and I hung out with him for about an hour before meeting Erin and Jamie for din din, it was a fun din din 'cause I love those kids, especially Austin whom I do not get to see a ton :-).

Wednesday was great because...
1. Caely and her parents were up here on an official isu visit, so they came up to my room and hung out for a little bit. Caely just makes me smile, she's a wonderful girl. If she does come to isu, I will just rejoice.
2. I had lunch with Brandon Gill!!!! and Erin, Jamie, Alex F., and my Helser neighbor Erin D. I hadn't seen Brandon in FOREV, so it was exciting to eat with him.
3. IT WAS GORGEOUS OUTSIDE... absolutely GORGEOUS.
4. I laid/sat on a blanket out on central campus from 1:45 until 3:30... writing, drawing/doodling, reading my Bible (i read through parts of Matthew!), listening to music, and just laying out under the warm sun! Being outside made me soo happy!!
5. My Hixson recitation leader, Jesse, was walking around with some other leaders and the head of the Hixson program, Debra, for their leader's class i guess, and so i yelled and said 'hey', and... he came over... and we talked for like 20 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!! did i mention ive had a crush on this guy since, like, the first day of class!?!? haha it was the first time we had talked outside of the classroom... and it was amazing, the conversation flowed so nicely :-) heh. we talked about a ton of stuff. it was FAN-TAS-TIC.
6. Erin and Brian joined me at my spot on central campus, and climbed the tree which I was sitting next to (I named it Huckabee!), then at 3:30 we started kicking the soccer ball around... then! a ton of people showed up to play soccer with us! so we started a game around 4... Brandon Gill, Nick (well he left early, but he did come!), Erin, Brian, Aidan (guy on my bro floor in helser), John, this guy I nicknamed Crazy Feet, Glen (also from helser), Alex, my friend Kim from Club Soccer, and Immanuel... i think i named everyone. yeah. it was SWEET! we played until like 5:30! it was amazing. Then we ate dinner. yay. then i showered. it felt great.

ok yes, so Wednesday was great because of all those things.

Tuesday and Wednesdays seem to always end up being great days for me. I like that. I like being able to look forward to Tuesdays and Wednesdays every week! Keeps me going even when I feel like crapppp.. which, i definitely have this week. yep.

I am at Santa Fe right now, it's kind of a regular Thursday-night thing for me now.. haha. I love it. But yes, i need to finish my english 105 assignment now. I was dreading it, but now it's not so bad because i changed my topic kind of, and i'm REALLY passionate about it... so that makes it a lot easier for me to write about. My topic is now on Generation Y (my generation) and Politics, like voting trends and views on political parties, the differences of our generation compared to previous generations (Gen. X, Baby Boom Gen., the Silent Gen., and GI Gen.). It's pretty freaking awesome and interesting! so... byeeee. <3

a professional napper's thoughts...

and here are words of comfort.

"You are so good to me
You heal my broken heart
You are my Father in Heaven...
You ride upon the clouds
You lead me to the truth
You are the Spirit inside me...
You poured out all Your blood
You died up on the cross
YOU ARE MY JESUS WHO LOVES ME."

this is my prayer:

"give me one pure and holy passion
give me one magnificent obsession
give me one glorious ambition for my life-
to know and follow hard after You...
to know and follow hard after You
to grow as Your disciple in the TRUTH,
this world is empty, pale, and poor
compared to knowing You my Lord...
so LEAD ME ON
and i will RUN AFTER YOU
lead me on and i will run after You."

this is what's on my mind right now:

"My soul yearns and even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh cry out for the Living God." --Psalms 84:2

A funny story from Belize, summer 2005 missions trip w/ valley church-- (documented in the unofficial yet official Belize notebook):

"Bryan stepped on the kitten, which made the kitten ferociously mad so it hissed evilly at him. Bryan then apoligized to the kitten."

another [short] story:

"there is a gecko who lives on the wall above me and Sam's bed, and also in the window right by our bed. He lovingly calls out to us every night (oh how lovely the noise is), so we have decided he is our pet. And his name is Lloyd."

a famous quote:

"I would seriously pay for anti-heat rash....." --Cort Brown.

And to end this amazing blog, the relationship of Caely and Natalie in its true form:

Natalie: "Frizzball!"
Caely: "well at least my face doesnt look like a pepperoni pizza!"
-----------------------------the end--------------------------------
<3

oh and dont worry... i only napped 3 hours today. not 5. pretty good, eh!?

Bleh.

So I am sitting here, in my newly moved around room (as of yesterday). Does change ever just make you feel good? Just by having my room moved around and all the furniture and the set-up of everything... it just makes me feel good having it change. :-)

I don't really feel well today. It's not like I would say... I feel... "sick"... it's more like, I just feel weak. I don't know. After my Journalism & Mass Communication 101 midterm (the second), I zipped back here and slept..................... for five hours. Apparantly it's an amazing feat, to nap for 5 hours, from noon until 5 pm. but, for me, it seemed completely... not amazing. It felt just like a normal hour, or hour and a half nap. After that, you'd think I would feel incredibly well-rested, but I actually have felt crappy all night since then. It was super hard to get up and walk across campus to my 9 oclock english 105 class, but i pushed myself. When i had breakfast in my room, all the sudden my gag reflux thing went off and I just threw up my entire breakfast, which contained a piece of lemon poppyseed bread and a cinnamon poptart, my normal breakfast. Gross, huh? Well it didn't make me feel especially cheerful to start my day I can tell you that... yuck.

I didn't even eat lunch, I just slept alllllll afternoon, for freaking five hours. After dinner, I put in Harry Potter 3 and watched that while doing my Pol. S. 251 notes and JLMC 101 notes as well. I made some tea, tried to relax. One thing I have learned is when I feel like stress is coming on, when I can tell, the best thing to do is help myself relax the best way I can. My stomach still felt queasy (did I spell that correctly?) though. I also watched some episodes of season 2 Laguna Beach, mostly because I felt super weak and my head hurt and I had no motivation in my body to go anywhere or do anything. So i spent my evening pretty much on my futon... wait, AND my afternoon. sweet. i feel really good about that. lol, NOT!

I dont know if there's something WRONG with me or what... but, I just don't want to sleep 5 hours again tomorrow. and it didnt even phase my body clock, like I'm still exhausted right now, with it being 12 a.m.... this is kind of my usual bedtime that i prefer, so, yeah.. i dont know... im super tired, like i said my body just feels weak. like i cant DO anything. im trying not to get down on myself about it, i tend to do that when i physically dont feel well, so, yeah im trying to stay cheerful. i think i'm gonna go read my Bible and then climb up into my bed and sleep the night away.

after I enjoy some tasty teddy grahams.
<3

Santa Fe, mmm.

Yesterday was a good day.

Cort and I had lunch together, and Catherine joined us a little later. I finished my online geology homework in my room afterwards, briefly talked to Erin on the phone, then walked over to Birch. I hung out with Cort most of the afternoon. I worked a little on my library homework, then Cort had this brownie thing w/ hot fudge and we cooked it and i had half and he had the other... it was one amazing brownie, even though it was mostly just a glob of barely-hardened chocolate. haha. whatever, i enjoyed it! chocolate is just amazing like that. Then we had a really good talk for, i dont know, like 45 minutes or so, and it was wonderful. It is always wonderful to connect with a brother on a deep spiritual level, Cort has always been a great encouragement to me in my walk with Christ. well, JR walked in, so we popped in Batman Begins. what a grrreat movie! i had seen it 2 or 3 times before, but i had never seen the ending, haha. soo i finally watched it all the way through, and it was fantastic! Then i met Erin at the udcc for dinner. Lots of people working at the udcc were dressed in sweet halloween costumes, and just people in general that were there eating, haha it was kinda fun seeing people get into halloween like that. They also handed out candy when they swiped our cards... soo... hey, candy is ALWAYS good in my book!

Later on, I walked over to Sante Fe, the coffee shop along Lincoln Way, to do homework/study. I can't really drive to Barnes & Noble like I used to ALL the TIME last year, haha, so i'm finding that Santa Fe is a nice substitute. I got all my library 160 work done and out of the way, since I'm doing the accelerated option my assignments are all due tomorrow when i take the final exam and am done w/ library foreverrrr! woo hoo. I started studying for my Pol. S. 251 exam, which is also tomorrow, but got sidetracked and ended up talking to my lovely friend Kayla online for a pretty long time! turns out, Kayla is in need of some quality friend time and is quite lonely over at Elmhurst. Her and Mitch are driving home this weekend, and so I decided I will do the same so I can spend some time with them. I know what it feels like to not be happy where you're at and how desperately you just need to be around people who love you and support you... so I want to be there for her.

I know I go home almost every weekend, but, honestly, I don't care what people have to say about that. If I want to go home almost every weekend, so what? I love being here in Ames during the week and when I'm going to classes, but when I dont have anything going on here, and I have the opportunity to go home to West Des Moines and spend time with my family and friends there, I'm gonna go back, no questions asked. My friends back home are pretty much family to me anyway, and they're the kind of friends I plan on having for the rest of my life, so I dont think there's anything wrong with it.

I enjoyed a grande almond latte while I relaxed and worked at Santa Fe. I actually didnt even plan it, but I studied my Bible for a good 45 minutes while I was there. Right now I am in the Word basically every day. I really dont usually do this, but I am finding that depending on God is the most important thing in the whole world, and the only way I can depend on Him fully is to read my Bible literally every single day. I love it! I went home right about at 10 pm, then i finished up some things and cleaned my room a little, and laid around watching 1st and 2nd season episodes of Laguna Beach.... it was fabulous. :-) I had chips and salsa, and some cheetos duhhhh. I couldnt sleep again though, bummer! so I didnt fall asleep i think until 1:30 or something... i dont know, it sucked. :-(

but anyway, Tuesday was a good day!

Today, I plan on having some God time, going to my Painter's Anonymous club meeting, studying for my Pol. S. 251 test HARDCORE, and watching the new season 3 episode of Laguna Beach (of course). Sounds goooood to me! oh and tonight is sister-dinner night with miss Erin, so cant wait. That's the low-down of yesterday and today so far. Love you all! :-)

be of good cheer!

These are some things I am thinking and praying about this week... good things to keep close to your heart:


"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."--Romans 12:15

Galatians 5:16-25~

16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. 17 For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery,^[a] fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders,^[b] drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. 24 And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

Philippians 3:12-14 ~

12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

1 John 2:15-17

15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. 17 And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

John 16:33 ~

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."
----------------

Amen.

adversity

"Then all his brothers, all his sisters, and all those who had been his acquaintances before, came to him and ate food with him in his house; and they consoled him and comforted him for all the adversity that the Lord had brought upon him. Each one gave him a piece of silver and each a ring of gold. Now the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning; for he had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, one thousand yoke of oxen, and one thousand female donkeys. He also had seven sons and three daughters. And he called the name of the first Jemimah, the name of the second Keziah, and the name of the third Keren-Happuch. In all the land were found no women so beuatiful as the daughters of Job; and their father gave them an inheritance among their brothers. After this Job lived one hundred and forty years, and saw his children and grandchildren for four generations. So Job died, old and full of days."--Job 42: 11-17
-----
Psalm 35:

1 Plead my cause, O LORD, with those who strive with me;
Fight against those who fight against me.
2 Take hold of shield and buckler,
And stand up for my help.
3 Also draw out the spear,
And stop those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
“I am your salvation.”

4 Let those be put to shame and brought to dishonor
Who seek after my life;
Let those be turned back and brought to confusion
Who plot my hurt.
5 Let them be like chaff before the wind,
And let the angel^[a] of the LORD chase them.
6 Let their way be dark and slippery,
And let the angel of the LORD pursue them.
7 For without cause they have hidden their net for me in a pit,
Which they have dug without cause for my life.
8 Let destruction come upon him unexpectedly,
And let his net that he has hidden catch himself;
Into that very destruction let him fall.

9 And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD;
It shall rejoice in His salvation.
10 All my bones shall say,
“LORD, who is like You,
Delivering the poor from him who is too strong for him,
Yes, the poor and the needy from him who plunders him?”

11 Fierce witnesses rise up;
They ask me things that I do not know.
12 They reward me evil for good,
To the sorrow of my soul.
13 But as for me, when they were sick,
My clothing was sackcloth;
I humbled myself with fasting;
And my prayer would return to my own heart.
14 I paced about as though he were my friend or brother;
I bowed down heavily, as one who mourns for his mother.

15 But in my adversity they rejoiced
And gathered together;
Attackers gathered against me,
And I did not know it;
They tore at me and did not cease;
16 With ungodly mockers at feasts
They gnashed at me with their teeth.

17 Lord, how long will You look on?
Rescue me from their destructions,
My precious life from the lions.
18 I will give You thanks in the great assembly;
I will praise You among many people.

19 Let them not rejoice over me who are wrongfully my enemies;
Nor let them wink with the eye who hate me without a cause.
20 For they do not speak peace,
But they devise deceitful matters
Against the quiet ones in the land.
21 They also opened their mouth wide against me,
And said, “Aha, aha!
Our eyes have seen it.”

22 This You have seen, O LORD;
Do not keep silence.
O Lord, do not be far from me.
23 Stir up Yourself, and awake to my vindication,
To my cause, my God and my Lord.
24 Vindicate me, O LORD my God, according to Your righteousness;
And let them not rejoice over me.
25 Let them not say in their hearts, “Ah, so we would have it!”
Let them not say, “We have swallowed him up.”

26 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who rejoice at my hurt;
Let them be clothed with shame and dishonor
Who exalt themselves against me.

27 Let them shout for joy and be glad,
Who favor my righteous cause;
And let them say continually,
“Let the LORD be magnified,
Who has pleasure in the prosperity of His servant.”
28 And my tongue shall speak of Your righteousness
And of Your praise all the day long.
---------------------
Psalm 94:

1 O LORD God, to whom vengeance belongs—
O God, to whom vengeance belongs, shine forth!
2 Rise up, O Judge of the earth;
Render punishment to the proud.
3 LORD, how long will the wicked,
How long will the wicked triumph?

4 They utter speech, and speak insolent things;
All the workers of iniquity boast in themselves.
5 They break in pieces Your people, O LORD,
And afflict Your heritage.
6 They slay the widow and the stranger,
And murder the fatherless.
7 Yet they say, “The LORD does not see,
Nor does the God of Jacob understand.”

8 Understand, you senseless among the people;
And you fools, when will you be wise?
9 He who planted the ear, shall He not hear?
He who formed the eye, shall He not see?
10 He who instructs the nations, shall He not correct,
He who teaches man knowledge?
11 The LORD knows the thoughts of man,
That they are futile.

12 Blessed is the man whom You instruct, O LORD,
And teach out of Your law,
13 That You may give him rest from the days of adversity,
Until the pit is dug for the wicked.
14 For the LORD will not cast off His people,
Nor will He forsake His inheritance.
15 But judgment will return to righteousness,
And all the upright in heart will follow it.

16 Who will rise up for me against the evildoers?
Who will stand up for me against the workers of iniquity?
17 Unless the LORD had been my help,
My soul would soon have settled in silence.
18 If I say, “My foot slips,”
Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up.
19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.

20 Shall the throne of iniquity, which devises evil by law,
Have fellowship with You?
21 They gather together against the life of the righteous,
And condemn innocent blood.
22 But the LORD has been my defense,
And my God the rock of my refuge.
23 He has brought on them their own iniquity,
And shall cut them off in their own wickedness;
The LORD our God shall cut them off.
--------------------

Psalm 5:

1 Give ear to my words, O LORD,
Consider my meditation.
2 Give heed to the voice of my cry,
My King and my God,
For to You I will pray.
3 My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.

4 For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness,
Nor shall evil dwell with You.
5 The boastful shall not stand in Your sight;
You hate all workers of iniquity.
6 You shall destroy those who speak falsehood;
The LORD abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

7 But as for me, I will come into Your house in the multitude of Your mercy;
In fear of You I will worship toward Your holy temple.
8 Lead me, O LORD, in Your righteousness because of my enemies;
Make Your way straight before my face.

9 For there is no faithfulness in their mouth;
Their inward part is destruction;
Their throat is an open tomb;
They flatter with their tongue.
10 Pronounce them guilty, O God!
Let them fall by their own counsels;
Cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions,
For they have rebelled against You.

11 But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You;
Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them;
Let those also who love Your name
Be joyful in You.
12 For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield.
-----------------
John 14:23-24

23 Jesus answered and said to him, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. 24 He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine but the Father's who sent Me.
-----------------
James 1:2-3


2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
-----------------

Amen.

tuesday and wednesday happiness.

Tuesday:

the tuesday lunch bunch (for once all 4 of us were present! cort, erin, jamie, and me) had some good laughs and good conversations once again. random snippings:

to me: "why wont you just walk me to class!" --cort
"cort i have a question for you." --erin
**theoretical discussion on anti-semitism**
to cort: "so when do you want me to come over, 2:30?" --me
"i'm gonna go to class... then take a shower." --cort
"is that a yes?" --me
**just looks at me**
"ok i'm just gonna be over at 2:30 then, whether you want me to or not." --me
**cort says goodbye to us all, walks away to take his lunch tray and leave**
**all the sudden, he's standing next to our table again**
"so i have a theory. and this is going to make me late for class, but...." --cort
**we listen**
**we laugh**
the end.

that was funny to me, but probably not to anyone else. :-)

the rest of my Tuesday was great. Cort and I did our Library 160 hmwrk on his couch for about an hour and 15 minutes. He admitted he probably wouldnt have gotten the motivation to do it himself if i hadnt come over to do it with him, haha. We got a tonnn done! Then he checked his email and was on his computer for awhile, while i sprawled out on the couch and read The New York Times. JR woke up from his nap and left, then all the sudden I was sound asleep! I woke up at 5:30 and Cort was asleep in his loft with his Bible next to him. I guess the library homework pretty much sedated us or something... yeah. So I played super mario for 15 minutes, left sleeping Cort a note, and left to eat dinner at the udcc with Jamie! That night, all I did was study and work on hmwrk.... like for hours and hours! ugh. it was yucky. I studied for my geology midterm for over an hour, then gave up and decided i was not going to stress out about it at all. it felt good to just be calm and feel peaceful, even with a yucky test looming over my head. i credit God with pretty much all of my peace as of late. i have been reading so much of the Word and praying much more than usual, and i am finding it makes life so much better. i feel so close to Him.

Wednesday

Erin and I had our sister dinner night together at the udcc. It is still quite painful for me to eat and drink, with my awful cankor sores :-( but I think it's slowly getting less painful.. very slowly. anyway, we had a wonderful talk and caught up on our weeks. I helped her a little with some issues that had been going on earlier that day with her, and it made me feel happy to know I helped out my sister. Even though she's older than me, sometimes I feel like I can fill that older-sister role when she's having a hard time. We have each others backs, when one is down the other helps bring you back up :-). Her boyfriend, Brian, surprised her from behind and also made her feel a lot better about things, it was really cute. Erin and I decided to go to the Lied rec center later and play raquetball and soccer! yay! we took the bus at like 7:30, so from 7:45 til 9 we had some fun at the rec center. we were doing so well at raquetball, seriously we were rocking that court! haha.

afterwards, erin went back to friley and i stopped in at birch to see Mike and Zach! i watched laguna beach, haha, and mike kinda watched it with me... he was trying to act like he wasnt wanting to watch it.. but i think he kinda did... lol. then zach got back from dodgeball. so the rest of the night we hung out together. i hung out with them and josh, and mike thomason, and duncan. at one point, i played this cool basketball video game with mike thomason in his room, haha, first against mike, and then against duncan. i was pretty good, and its kind of an addicting game! well it was late, very late, haha, so yeah i said goodbye to everyone and walked out the side door of birch to walk home. duncan saw me and was like 'hey, are you leaving?' i said yes, then he said, 'well i'll walk you back!' :-) haha so he walked me home!!!!!!! and we talked the whole way back about swimming and soccer and stuff. it was cute. :-) he is so easy to talk with. it was a nice night to take a walk. it made me happy.

that's all i had to write about. i think i'm going to take the rest of this day and just relax, and do homework, maybe curl up later and watch a movie or tv. yeahhh. love! <3

is He in you?

Have you ever just sat down and read through the book of Proverbs? I suggest you do it sometime. I got so much out of it, I'm not done yet with the whole book, but I am just learning so much. It's really interesting for me to read through these Proverbs and get to one that totally relates to my life situation right now. Like...

"One who turns away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer is an abomination."

do you have people in your life you really care about who are aware that they're living in sin, but just keep doing it? have you ever done that before? i know i have before many times, since I am no where close to being perfect, and reading that proverb just hits me hard and helps me to want to get back on track with God. and for people i love who do it, i just want to pray for them even more than before. that word 'abomination' just gets to me!

oh i love this one...

"As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend."

I remember talking about something along these lines in Barnabus Team last year sometime... about how we sharpen each other as Christians, and how important it is to hold each other accountable, because otherwise we will just be dull and weak. but by sharpening each other, we are stronger and less susceptible to evil.

I think this one is so, so true in our daily lives:

"The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts."

This one helps encourage me to pick my close companions very carefully:

"The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray."

This one makes me think of the difference between how humans think and how God thinks:

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the hearts."

This one just confuses me in a way that... i just cant fathom it, i dont know:

"A man's steps are of the Lord; How then can a man understand his own way?"

This one is something I have known of since I was very little, it's a verse my parents taught me I think, or it's written on something we have had in our house since I was little, yeah thats right:

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Here is a great one:

"Evil men do not understand justive, but those who seek the LORD understand all."

Ok, well, I have just been very enlightened tonight and thought I would share what stood out to me. I don't have a daily devotional or weekly devotional book, or whatever. I learned when I was very young that I didn't learn well in a structured format, but rather when I feel convicted or prompted by the Holy Spirit to dig into the Word. THat may sound like the wrong way to do it, but, the important thing is that I developed a habit of doing it. I dont think there are right or wrong ways to spend time with God alone, or meditate on His Word, or do a devotional (whatever you choose to call it, it's all the same). I think as long as you do it habitually, and are getting a consistent filling of the Word, then you are ok. Pastor Dan Wentworth said it best one hot morning during a group devotional in Belize in Summer 2005... we are like oranges. when we are squeezed, whatever is inside of us will come out. If we fill ourselves with God's Word, when we are squeezed, God will come out of us. That way, we show others the love of Jesus Christ. That's why it's important to get a consistent filling from the best book out there- The Bible.

I don't know why I have written so much lately, I suppose I am just having one of my inspired impulses... after all, that's what my ENFP type says about me! haha. :-)

oh and sorry I didn't put any of the references after the proverbs, maybe I will come back and edit this post with all the references at a later time. but right now... i'm too lazy and want to go to bed. :-)

am I the center of my life?

I'm sitting here on my futon, absorbing my daily dose of news from The New York Times. My room smells of lemon-lavender. The space heater is humming as it oscillates and warms my room. I am nice and toasty. It is cold and uncomfortable outside. This is when I just love being in my room.

"The conflict in Darfur began when black African rebels took up arms in early 2003, accusing the government of neglect. Khartoum responded by arming and financing Arab militias who conducted a campaign of violence against civilians that the United Nations has called ethnic cleansing and the Bush administration has called genocide."

You can read more about Darfur here.

As I read this, in one of the many articles in today's New York Times about Darfur, it hit me that when this conflict began, I was in my freshman year of high school. Now I am a freshman in college. In 2003, I was worried about a number of things being a 14 year old girl... like what I was going to wear that day to school to make people like me more, whether or not I was going to choke giving my speech in my speech class where I met my first real high school boyfriend, and if I was going to be good enough to play soccer on the Valley soccer team with all these other girls who played Select all their lives, unlike me. See, I was a very preoccupied girl. I had lots on my mind, didn't I? I remember being very obsessed with what other people thought of me. I was learning that my behavior and choices could either make or break my reputation. I was mad I wasn't in the popular crowd, I was sad that I had to be in the hospital for 3 days because of kidney stones, I was scared to be myself around almost everyone at school, I was proud of my 4.0 at the end of the year, and..... I was completely oblivious to affairs having to do with anything or anyone other than myself.

It's true. I didn't know anything about Darfur then. I barely do now, but I at least have some knowledge about what's going on.

I guess I am just a little astounded that 4 years ago all of these problems started in Africa, and I was concentrated on... my problems. Not that it's bad to deal with the stuff that's going on in your own life, but, I just feel like that's ALL I did. And, some of the things that happened in 9th grade were kinda big deals, like my hospitalization, but... most of them were not. Most things were just stupid. But that is to be expected when you're 14, is it not? well I'm 18 now, and I just think that if I'm still acting the same way I did when I was 14, something needs to change. I definitely pay attention to world affairs more, I mean heck, I'm going to minor in Political Science and I'm currently taking a class in International Politics. A lot of the time, we spend the class period discussing current events like things having to do with Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Darfur, and Hezbollah. Anyway, so I don't think I still have the perspective of a 14 year old, but I think there are still days that go by where all I do is think of myself.

When I read about these things in the news, I guess I just realize how important it is to open your eyes. But, I don't know... I think caution is necessary too. Like, for example... it's good to not be sheltered and naive... if I'm hanging out with people and some of them or most of them are going to start drinking, I can stay and hang out with them and still not drink, but if I know that it is really hard for me to say no and I feel tempted very easily, then I should probably leave. I would exert caution in a situation like that, it's necessary. Otherwise, I could end up making a bad choice because I didn't remove myself from a tempting situation. I have to KNOW that going into it though. You have to think about those things before you just dive in. I think it's kind of a spiritual maturity issue. Jesus hung out with prostitutes and drunkards, didn't he? Yeah, true, but that's not an excuse for us to do the same and then use it to justify our sins when we fall into temptation.

So, basically... I think it's important to open your eyes to what's going on in our world. Read the newspaper, watch the news on tv, listen to the radio, whatever you do to get your news. BUt just do something. How can we pray for all the nations of the world when we don't even know what's going on in them? I think the deeper we understand the conflicts and problems of countries like Sudan and Chad, the more we can spread our knowledge to others and help to further the love of Christ. Maybe by knowing of these things, people will be spurred on to be missionaries in some of these places, maybe we can start a revolution. I know I want to go to China someday. I really, really do. and I felt it in my heart when I was at Salt one night, when they had a bunch of people talking about their experiences going to places in East Asia and such. so maybe that will turn into something, maybe it will bring more opportunities, i don't know. I think if you truly seek to spread the love of Christ to all ends of the earth, God will get you there. He's in control.

Just a few things on my mind today. Erin and I are going to play some soccer at the Lied rec center in a little bit, YAY! :-)

THIS is the life...

oh my. so, i had another amazing weekend with my friends and family!

Friday night, most of "the crew" (kayla, mitch, bry, james, matt, zeb, aubs, caely), came to Ames... plus those of us already in Ames (Austin, Zach, Cort, Tim, JR, Mike, me), and so we spent many hours together doing lots of fun things. Let's see... we went to Old Chicago for pizza, chilled at the hookah bar, walked around campustown, made a pit stop at kum n go, enjoyed some chips & salsa while we hung out in zach & mike's room, visited andy & austin's dorm, ran in the freezing cold + rain away from a scary man who wanted caely, aubrey and me to "come with him", watched the movie Tommy Boy with everybody in zach & mike's, and aubs and cae slept the night in mahh roooom! basically, it was a grrrreat night.

Saturday, after Caely and Aubrey left to go back home, I spent the afternoon with the fam, well, my momma and my sista. We had lunch together at the udcc, had delicious coffee at Santa Fe, and then froze our butts off at the ISU vs. Texas Tech football game! It was fantastic! in a cold...sort of way! haha. We had a blast, and like I told them, there's no one else I'd rather freeze all afternoon with than them. We lost, obviously, but we had some quality time together and I loved it. After the game, my mom and I went back to West Des Moines for the rest of the weekend. yay! That night was the best night ever. After ATA's show in Winterset, everyone met at James' house at 10 to celebrate his birthdayyyy. There were so many people there, it was a ton of fun seeing everyone! We ate cheesecake and talked a while sitting in James' kitchen, then moved the party downstairs for the rest of the evening. They put a movie on, but I didn't feel like watching a movie at ALL. Haha, ok so some very funny things happened throughout the night. First off, Zach is crazy. He not only did his monkey impression, but he became a sphinx and it made lindsey, kayla and i crack up for like an hour or something! I found out Caely is amazing at ping pong, she even beats her gym teachers! hahaha. Luke, on the other hand, is not. heh heh. Ummm.. oh yeah! Zach and I found out we are pretty much the equivalent of a brother-sister relationship without that whole biological factor...thanks to Aubrey, and, well, ourselves. We fight and bicker and pick on each other (him verbally, me nonverbally), but... according to Aubrey from her own experiences with her real bros, "yeah you do all that stuff, but you never stop loving 'em." I got all mad, and Zach got mad because I was mad, haha, and so for a good 10 minutes we stood and yelled at each other in the middle of James' basement... but then all the sudden, we were laughing, and didnt care. I dont even know, i honestly cant explain it except what Aubs said. haha, oh goodness.

Most people started to leave around midnight, but as always... James, Kayla, Zach, Mitch, and I stayed til like 2 a.m. After realizing it was absolutely freezing outside, and James decided he was too tired to stand up and went to bed, the those of us remaining drove to my house. We hottubbed and it was absolutely amazing! Soo relaxing, there was so much steam coming off our bodies haha, because it was sooo cold out but we were sooo hot from the water. Well, after about an hour, we all got out, and Kayla and I decided to have some fun in my room before we changed back into our clothes.. so we took about 30 pictures with her digital camera and i think every one of them made us crack up until we fell to the floor and rolled around. It was HILARIOUS, let me tell ya. So i think the four of us parted ways at about 3:30 a.m.! man I was tired! but those amazing times with my friends are worth not getting much sleep.

Today, I devoted a bajillion pictures that had been on my camera since August up until now, ate some Panera, and hung out at home with the fam. I even got to see my Nana today unexpectedly! :-) Zach and I drove back here to Ames at about 4, and so i've been hanging out in my room ever since. I did some homework, had two cups of hot tea, ate a lot, taken a shower, watched tv with catherine, aaand.... now I am very tired. so now I am going to bed.

All in all, excellent weekend. :-)

Love.

lovely reunions, wonderful friends.

written thursday night--

Last weekend was AMAZING. It was a huge reunion for me and all of my friends back home. and I mean huge! It started off Friday afternoon when Zach and I drove back, went to James' and dropped off Zach's car/stuff, then the three of us went to the mall. From that point on, it was pure joy for me I think... honestly, just pure joy. i love my friends. Highlights on Friday.....

Aubs and I met up with Caely, Tim and Austin... Aubs, Caely and I proceeded inside Valley Stadium to watch the Valley-Waukee football game.....Natalie!!!!!....haha, um....cheering for my old high school team (it doesnt seem to right to say "old" yet, but might as well start), loved it!....yay football.....saw lots of familiar faces, weird yet cool.....saw Corey from K-life, freaking awesome, I really miss him!!.....got Austin's birthday present ready, then got him to come over to the stands and we sang him Happy Birthday and gave him cheesecake from the cheesecake factory!!!... he loved it!.....we crushed waukee.....5th quarter began outside Valley Church!.....reunited with all members of ATA, YAY!!!!....... had the most fantastic hug i've ever had with one named Mitch Tisl, i love him so much.....Kayla, Blake, Lindsey :-)...... lots and lots of hugs with everyone.... Brandon Barker, Travis, R-Tow and Ben Anderson......ATA played their show.......James and I made fun of all the hardcore dancing, it was hysterical.....lots of fun.... afterwards, everyone came back to my house.....food, lots of it.....massage trains.....Bry sleeping on the couch.....stayed at my house til 2 a.m., awesome.... took Aubs home, GREAT NIGHT :-).




























Saturday was very busy for me. Went shopping with my momma, saw the movie THE DEPARTED with most of the gang, and it was the most amazing move everrrrr!!!! umm..... Aubs and I went to Nobbies and I got my Halloween costume (greek goddess....duh)......quick dinner at home......then headed to Waukee!......ATA and Fileo played at the waukee community center with 3 other bands..... long, but fun......lots of cigar walks....pictures, pictures, pictures!.....Luke got me, Genya and Sarah ice cream :-).......Blake, Mitch, Zach, Kayla, Aubs and I took a trip to McDonalds, yum.......Rob......Hay, hahahha....... phone call from far away......devastation, a little bit..... i had a little breakdown but Aubs took care of me....back to friends, i decided to just let go and ENJOY my time with them......everyone drove back to James' house towards the end of the show..... Halo, lol......HOT CHOCOLATE!!!.....popcorn, yummyy!.....PING PONG.......lots of people left around 12/12:30.......Bry asleep on the floor..... haha..... James kicked the rest of us out at 1:30 a.m., but did we go home? ohh no..... Mitch, Zach, Kayla and I took a walk down James' street, but stayed outside (mind you, it was very cold that night!), just being completely RIDICULOUS and crazy in the middle of James' street until 4:30 in the freaking morning!.....it was just insane.... but, pretty much the most amazing night/morning ever! hahaha......it was GREAT... said goodbye to everyone.....





























Sunday..... Zach and I had a very exciting excursion at super target in which he left his wallet in the car on accident, so I had to pay for all of his groceries!.......then we picked up Mike and headed back here to Ames.

This week has been long, rough, tiring, and busy.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights... I basically lived at Zach and Mike's dorm, lol, i would stay there until 1 or 1:15 a.m. and then walk home and not go to bed til either 3:30 or 2:30 haha.... i dont even know, but it has just been crazy this week. I really wanted to spend time around those guys, it helped keep my mind off of other things. Today was great, after my meeting w/ my advisor within the Greenlee School of Journalism, I watched a movie with Cort and Catherine in Cort's room over in Birch... we watched 10 THings I Hate About You, and it was fantastically funny.. haha....then Catherine left around 6:30, and the next 2 hours Cort and I just hung out in his room. he played guitar and sang, i drew, we were on our computers, we watched a little of Parental Control on mtv which was absolutely ridiculous.... oh gosh, it was just fun. I love my brothaa Cort! Then Austin picked me up and we went to SALT together! i didnt feel like going... because the freezing cold weather makes me lazy and apathetic.... but, I went... and I'm so glad i did... Paul, the youth pastor there, gave a really good talk on sexuality immorality. no joke, it was very good. I saw lots of great people that I'm slowly getting to know from Salt, like Aidan and Nick, so thats exciting.

anyway. its time for me to go to bed, darn it! I have to wake up early tomorrow and drive back to Des Moines with my sis to attend my Grandpa's funeral. it is very bittersweet. i cant wait to see all my cousins/uncles/aunts, especially Uncle Clair, Aunt Sue and my SAWEEEETT cousin Brandon from Florida! i havent seen them in forever! it will be very sad and probably a little depressing just doing the whole funeral thing, but very happy at the same time. it will be ok. we have each other, family is family, and you have to stick together in these times. then i will be home for the remainder of the weekend. the end.

long blog. GOODNIGHT. <3

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.

Two very "big" things happened this past weekend, and both have affected me immensely. Sometimes I think I just sit there and stare out at empty space in front of me, and I don't even realize it. In a way, emptiness comes from lacking something that you've either had and lost, or have never had but always wanted or needed. I think in my case with these two "big" things, both explanations are present... well, basically.

My grandpa is dying, and I have a feeling he will pass away this week. He's been holding on forever it seems, at the ripe old age of 90. Unlike my grandpa on my dad's side of the family, who did not remember me the last time I saw him before he died, my grandpa on my mom's side of the family, the one who is dying right now, is someone with whom I actually have memories. Maybe it is because of that fact, that when he does pass on (to be with our Father in heaven, praise God), I will have lost someone whom I love very, very much and will be very, very sad. Maybe that's why I seem kind of sad now even, because I know it's going to happen.

The other thing is hard to understand for most people, but oh well. Who else can say they've been in love with someone they met on a cruise ship their freshman year of high school and who happens to live 1200 miles away? Furthermore, who else can say they traveled to see this person on two seperate week-long occasions and stayed with their family, and that person also traveled to see me... all in the span of the past 3, almost 4 years. You mean you've only technically been in the presence of this person for approximately 30 days out of those 4 years? Yep. And you loved them with all of your heart and thought you were going to marry them? Yep.

But i'm learning that I don't choose the course of my life, it has already been chosen and laid out before me to follow, all I have to do is... follow. So I think I am. The past week was a rollercoaster. let's just say the Holy Spirit was not silent, oh no. and it hurts to understand the heaviness of the situation. it hurts to think about letting go and staying here, rather than holding on and moving to be there with him. but it's the right thing. oh, and guess what? I was taken care of the entire weekend, because the friends God has put in my life to stand by my side... stood by my side. Their loving embraces and empathetic smiles make me hope for something more, instead of succombing to emptiness, which, I think happens a lot in situations like this. I don't want to be empty though. Plus, I know how to NOT be empty inside - living for Jesus Christ and following Him, I know of the joy and the unconditional love... how could I just turn from that? How can one consciously come to the decision to choose emptiness rather than hope, joy and fulfillment? Anyway, I just wonder about that sometimes...

On a different note, I got four hours of freaking sleep last night!!!!!!!!!! I am a flippin' ZOMBIE! I mean, it was nice to actually feel like a real college student, staying out til 1:15 with my friends on a school night, haha... but then I felt like a REAL, REAL college student when I suddenly remembered that I had a paper due this morning in my 9 oclock class and I had not began to write it yet.......... hahahahahha. ok. panic? heck no. i was enjoying myself. but, arriving back in my room, I got to work and finished it by 3:15 a.m.... so.... I got four hours of sleep. nice. no, not nice at all, it sucks, and i feel like crappola! lol. but oh well :-)...

I have a lot more to write about, more specifically about my weekend and how stinkin' awesome The Posse is. hey I'll do this, 'cause I know people love it when they read blogs that name off a bunch of people like it's some kind of shout out of sorts... yeah... so: Sam, Aubrey, Caely, Nat, Zach, Austin, Mitch, Kayla, Blake, Lindsey, Bryan, Luke, Mike, Alex, Danielle, James, Tim, Rob, Cort, and everybody else I spent time with this weekend......I love you. thats all. oh, and seeing some of my favorite "old" people was nice too: Brandon, Ryan, and Travis, oh and my freakin' wonderful parents... Love you too.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
--Matthew 28:20

p.s. I got a new Bible finally, in the New King James version, it's fantastic. I'm so excited. YAY! :-)

"i'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears..."

i'm in over my head.

for once, i'd like to just be able to decide something and think about something without tapping into my feelings. anyone who knows me at all, knows that i'm a feeler. i feel a lot, and thats just how i am. i feel things deeper than others, i feel things longer than others. my feelings affect what i think to a great extent. and for once, i wish i didnt feel so easily. i wish i could just decide something based on logic, and facts, and concrete things. not abstract things, not optomistic, unrealistic dreams based on emotions and feelings.

what if i'm sick of playing it safe all the time? maybe i need to seriously consider changing around my life so that i'm not so safe and comfortable all the time. maybe it's time for me to really grow up, to be catapulted somewhere where i'm not constantly surrounded by known and familiar things and people. but i'm so scared of the unknown, and i'm so scared of letting go. i'm scared of giving up my comfort to gain something else, no matter how great the gain. i cant decipher my path, my brain cant wrap itself around the mysteries of life. i need God, my Father in heaven to guide me and show me the way. if nothing else, i pray He would make my path straight and clear, and that He would make it known to me. because I'm just wandering around aimlessly, confused, when I try to decide myself what i'm supposed to do and where i'm supposed to go and which path is my own.

maybe right now, all i'm doing is doing what everyone else thinks i'm supposed to do. and honestly, i couldnt tell you what *I* think about what I should do and where I should go. *I* dont even know where to begin. I follow my heart and my head follows, trying to come up with reasonable excuses and explanations for my actions. I need direction and I need affirmation, I need a committment before I completely change the course of my path... i need a promise. will it be given to me?

i cant put blind trust in someone if i'm making such big changes in my life, that affect my entire future. but what if thats the problem? i cant, but, maybe i can? or maybe im just supposed to try.

i'm lost.

Sisterly Love and Fall...

I love my sister Erin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we walked around campus this afternoon and took pics together. it was gorgeous out. we had so much fun!!! I love FALL!

We ended our time together with delicious smoothies. :-)

I can do the Merengue!

Random:

my dream car once i have lots of money and can buy my own car: an Acura TL, or, an Acura TSX.

I am obsessed with Jesse McCartney's song, "Right Where You Want Me." I have it on repeat right now. P.S. Jesse McCartney is a good lookin' fellow.

I did horrible on my first midterm, which happened to be in the worst class I'm taking which I hate with everything that is in me-- Geology 100. Kill me, please. I got a D. (I don't get D's.......ever). I guess I can't say that anymore though, huh?

I want to go to China on a mission trip. I guess Jon Kalvig (new college ministry guy at valley church), is going sometime and has been there before. so I think I'll just go with him... haha.

I also want to go back to Belize!!!!!!!!!! seriously it's my life goal to go back there someday.

---------------------------

ok, no more random stuff. the past few days have been pretty great. well, starting with last friday night... funny story, I was watching tv in my room and I guess I just fell asleep on the futon at like 5 pm, and... didnt wake up until 10 pm! ahh! a friday night! i totally missed dinner too. so i woke myself up, had a cup of tea, tried to keep myself up, then gave in and went to bed by 11:30 haha. i am so not the party animal i thought i would be. in fact, i haven't been to one party since i've moved to college. this can be seen as good, or bad, i choose to see it as neutral and just move on from that fact, lol.

Saturday morning I met up with my fellow Hixson scholars outside the Memorial Union at 9:30 a.m., we loaded up in our vans with our recitation groups (there are about 10 of us and we have 2 leaders, one is a sophomore and one is a junior and they were also Hixson scholars). I was still waking up, and i felt a little uncomfortable being packed into a van with my group, whom I still didnt know very well at this point. but, seize the day i suppose, eh? I was going to be spending 9 hours with them that day at Camp Hannesa (sp?), so might as well make friends and have a good time. So, that's what I did! We did a ton of stuff. let's see here.... learned how to play flippy cup with a root beer keg (it was hilarious), and had a big competition between all of the groups (there are 8 groups in all). The whole time we were in the main dining center of the camp, they had sweet tunes blaring, all the stuff you hear on the radio these days from Chamillionaire to... I dont know, just everything haha, rap, hip hop, it was great, helped make it seem more like a party than a required activity for school. Then we did a bunch of funny "individual" events, like chubby bunny (one guy fit 24 or 25 marshmallows in his mouth... holy cow...), and being blindfolded and finding a piece of bubble gum amidst whipped cream, starbursts and other candies in a pie tin then being the first one to blow a bubble. very entertaining. we did outside things too, like tug of war, which I hated. haha. then the most ridiculous game ever, where one person wraps pantyhose around their forehead and inside the pantyhose is an egg, so the egg hangs down right in front of your forehead pretty much. then one person sits on their shoulders and has a rolled up newspaper... object of the game? run around and the person sitting on the other person's shoulders tries to break other people's eggs by hitting everyone else in the face as hard as they can.. ahahahahhahaa. it was AWESOME. one of our guys, Josh, who is pretty big and strong, was our egg guy, and I sat on his shoulders and held on for dear life and swung as hard as i could and hit people in the face... lol, it was hysterical. AND, we ended up getting 2nd place, it was down to me and another girl on this other guy's shoulders...and she got Josh's egg to break completely right before I got the other guy's to break. so yeah, it was SWEET. definitely raised the morale of my team, haha, because we had sucked at all the other games. We did a bunch of other fun games back inside... we played "skin the snake" which was awkward and fun, lol, and our team rocked at it. we also did the games where you have to pass the orange from person to person with your chin/neck, so you look like youre making out with that person... it was great. haha. we also had to pass a cucumber with our knees, and pass a stick of celery with our elbows. it was extremely hard and entertaining, mostly the orange, but yeah, good times. we all felt a little closer after that... haha. umm, what else... oh, this boring one where we had a bunch of shapes taped on the floor, and we had to fit our entire group into the shape without touching outside of the lines... it was really easy once we got a good strategy. then we had some free time, so I played volleyball with a bunch of people and that was fun.

THEN... the best part of the day! They had a professional dance teacher come in and teach anyone who wanted to, to learn how to dance the merengue (sp)!!! it was AMAZING! my friend Brittany and I partnered up b/c we didnt want to be with any of the guys haha, and we were both really good at it so it worked so well and we had a BLAST. the teacher said we should have been teaching the class... lol. i was so excited when we finally put all the steps together and could do it to the music for a long time and just have fun! it was fantastic. THEN, they had 2 people come in and teach us how to swing dance... and there are many different types of swing dancing, so this kind was East Coast swing dancing! it was freaking cool. haha and the teachers made the "leads" switch partner every now and then, so I got to dance with a bunch of guys... lol... some cute, some extreeemely cute. some were awful dancers, but a few were fantastic! so it was fun. and i got to dance with one of my leaders, Jesse, haha, and it was super fun :-). the best part of the dances is the dipping part, its so cool, and looks so freaking sweet. so I now know how to merengue and do east coast swing! it was SO MUCH FUN, and the rest of the night we couldnt stop dancing so we had dance parties during dinner, haha. My team won the scavenger hunt, so we won a free ice cream partyyyy... yay! after dinner, we all had clean-up duties, so my group sweeped the entire dining room floor, then we headed home to ISU. overall, it was a fantastic day. I got a lot closer to my group especially, and a few people in particular, which is really exciting for me because I need new friends here! haha.

I got back to my room around 7:15 that night, then my mom picked me up and brought me home to West Des Moines. I showered, then relaxed and hung out with my parents until Aubrey came over. Aubs and I hottubbed and talked for two hours, until like 12:30. it was WONDERFUL. one of the best conversations i've ever had with someone I think... I don't know why, but Aubrey and I have a way of ending up talking about really deep, spiritual things and they are just amazing talks. Sunday morning I woke up at 10, worked on homework for a few hours, then showered. THEN..... surprise! SAM came over!!! so I got to sit with her and talk for an hour and catch up on things... it was simply fantastic. then I got my things ready, and headed back here to ISU. I spent most my evening NOT doing any homework that i should have been doing, haha, and talking to Adam, Zach, and Aubrey for a long time. it was great. love them.

Today was a good day. it just was :-). Except for the fact that my cough is WORSE and at night I basically cant stop coughing for a really long time, and i wake up throughout the night because i have to cough... :-(. it sucks, not gonna lie. Tonight was wonderful! Erin, Catherine and I drove to Blinks coffeehouse to hang out and eat dinner with Brandon Barker, Jon Kalvig, Heather, and.... JEN!!! my old small group leader/mentor, friend, and pretty much my hero!!! it was so great to see her and catch up. it made my day. brandon barker was the other part that made my day, because I just love him to death, he has got to be one of my favorite people on this earth. haha. we got a TON of FREE STUFF!!!! haha.. free stuff... is awesome. basically, I got a life-time supply of hot cocoa mix, a SWEET nalgene bottle w/ the epoch college ministry logo and a myunderground.org, silver carabeener. also, two t-shirts, the surge icamp 2005 tshirt and a tie-dyed tshirt from rosebud. i will never say no to free tshirts! i also got 3 free awesome books, i forget the titles.. but they look gooooood, and i might just read them if i ever have the time to read anything other than textbooks.. lol. OH! and i got a valley church MUG! and it's GREEN. oh my gosh, i just get so overjoyed about free stuff. I love Brandon. haha. I also actually talked to Jon Kalvig this time and he is such a cool guy, I can't wait to get to know him better as my college ministry leader! and obviously I'm going to China with him, so, yeah. :-)

I wrote this as I was taking a break from studying for my poli. sci. 251 midterm... which is tomorrow at 9:30 a.m.! now i have to get back to studying, because i will be extremely upset if I don't do well on this test. like... extremely, extremely. the stuff is just so complex and all these terms like realism, liberalism, neorealism, neoliberalism, contructivists, postpositivism, empiricists......ahhhh!!!! and thats just a fraction of one chapter, and i believe this test covers 4 or 5 chapters. yeah. good stuff. i dont know, i just hope i can pull myself together for this, because i need to do well on something or i think i will just drop out of college... lol, ok, no I won't, but... grrr. i've felt kind of discouraged lately in school. :-( anyway, back to studying I go!

Love.

p.s. still listening to Jesse McCartney!