"you mean more to me than I could ever tell, so sorry that I'm taken aback, but I just can't help it!"

Here are some things from this past week:

Zach and I were working the night shift at Trop Sno, and we found ourselves with some time to kill. Hmm what could we do? Well...... we could take shots of straight flavor from the bottles? yes, let's do that. Zach took a shot of cinnamon, then we decided to pick a flavor for each other to do next. Of course I picked Cantaloupe for him, and he made me do Papaya. SICK!!!!! Then we picked for each other again, so I made him do Honeydew Melon, and he made me do Pink Grapefruit. Agh, blah, ew, uggh, yechhh. He said the Honeydew Melon was the worst, and for me it was definitely Pink Grapefruit... it burned our throats and actually made me feel kind of sick, the sourness was overwhelming and lasted long after I swallowed. But NOTHING compared to the ridiculous thing that James, Zach and myself decided to partake in next....... yes, we each took a shot of the Chocolate flavor. You may be thinking to yourself- chocolate? chocolate is good! yes, my friends, NORMAL chocolate is great. this chocolate though, mixed with shaved ice, tastes much like a nasty, old, tootsie roll combined with a turd for good measure. but the straight shot? it was like death moving down my throat. UGH!!!!! it was the nastiest thing ever, for sure. But it was funny.

Aubrey and I went 3 whole days without really talking about stuff and hanging out..... worst 3 days of my life probably, haha, no but seriously. It's ridiculous because it was only 3 days, but with it being summer you have to understand that we seriously are with each other every day.. and plus I had some very important life occurrences to inform her on, and waiting 3 days to do so was murder for us both!! So Aubs, her momma Karin, my momma and myself went out to lunch yesterday at Z'Mariks and finally reconnected :).

Immersion was good. It was centered on the isolation of groups of people and how we let our fear, pride, and apathy get in the way of reaching out and fulfilling our need to be unified as a community and to have friends, which is the way God made us to be. I'm finding more and more that I really love the style of worship music they do at Lutheran Church of Hope, it just fits me.

A certain somebody and I had a Harry Potter movie night last Tuesday, and it was one of the best nights of the summer for SURE! :) I couldn't be happier.

So... people from my church have been bringing my family meals, and seriously every time the person leaves after bringing something over I cry. I'm so grateful for people who reach out to my family, especially for my mom and my dad, and help us in these troubled times. The extent of my gratitude is inexpressible. I'm literally tearing up as I type this, just thinking about it.

My friends Mitch, Zach, and Josh came over Wednesday afternoon and spent an hour in the hot sun cleaning out our disgusting, dirty, nasty hottub that has needed to be cleaned for over 2 months I think... my dad couldn't do it because of his broken arm, then the hospital thing happened and it was just always there waiting to be done but it never got done, so my mom asked the boys to come over and do it. THey worked so hard and it smelled absolutely terrible, but they made it completely spotless and gorgeous. I cried a little in the car on the way to working at Trop after they did it, because my friends are so amazing and I take them for granted all the time. I love them so much.

I've almost completed reading a really sweet book, so I'll write about it probably in my next post. Lataaaa.
<3

2 old poems

I wrote this in early 2006, and it became the inspiration for one of my favorite paintings from my AP Studio Art collection my senior year of high school. Lately I've been trying to take my inspiration and this whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, and put them into poetry.. but I've been having trouble getting a good rhythm, so I've been looking back at old poetry to maybe stir up something.

I'm the queen of fixing grammar errors
but I cannot speak these words
I listen with my heart
but cannot submit to the truth
I'm amazing at smiling through pain
but cannot laugh away your face
I'm great at writing out my feelings
but cannot feel great after I write them
I'm so strong when I'm around you
but cannot hide my weakness when I am not
I'm good at crying out to my Father
but cannot hear what He says back
I'm able to withstand the hard times
but cannot see light at the end of this
I'm joyful whenever you see me
but cannot be happy in my isolation
I'm alright with admitting that I've fallen
but cannot figure out how to rise up
I'm ok with change and adapting
but cannot accept that I'm losing you
I'm the biggest optimist you've ever known
but cannot convince myself you'll ever hug me again
I'm a vigorous fighter in most cases
but cannot fight off the inevitable
I'm skilled in bouncing back
but cannot go anywhere but down
I'm a lover, I'm a dreamer, I'm an artist
but I cannot find the love in this pain
I cannot dream away this nightmare
I cannot paint this hole in my heart.
-----

And this is a poem I wrote actually a little over 2 years ago, in April of 2005.... it inspired my absolute FAVORITE painting, because it made me feel so much as I wrote it, and every time I read over it again... it was easy to represent the tone in beautiful colors. There is nothing I love more than using color to demonstrate how I feel.

All the voices fade away
the colors around me turn to gray
background noises gradually drop out
no more whispers, no murmurs of doubt
Alone I lay, broken on the floor
ever-hopeful heart like an open door
lingering scent upon my soul, I pray:
please stay, oh I pray that you stay
With time on my side I am so high
above mountains of worry and rivers run dry
high I sigh while I glide along a cloud
breaking the silence I SCREAM OUT LOUD
ALIVE I scream and ALIVE I bleed
escape the cage and be free, resist the feed
take heed: the others oppose your heart
their words will wound like a poison dart
Tonight my light guides me down my path
I know not when I will next face your wrath
but somehow dark edges remain on the outside
all I see: a sunset offshore of the restless tide
With water rising ever-presently all around me
fears of drowning swim into view constantly
like millions of grains of sand in my hand
these thoughts will slip through the cracks; I will stand!
-tall! amongst the angry and ignorant crowd
with voices that pierce, I still remain proud
if fight you I must, then FIGHT YOU I WILL
I will protect my heart, MY LOVE YOU CANNOT KILL.
---
<3 the end.

a bad way to start the morning off.

and she takes it all in
one breath, one heart
in that moment
she feels stripped
all at once
and it makes her sick
as she feels everything
rushing through her veins
draining her of hope
of all goodness
how can it all be felt at once
without breaking down?
she's sickened at the thought
as she relives every second
that left her empty
as she feels
the abandonment, the rejection
the shock of not mattering
the disbelief of not being enough
the lack of kindness...
after everything she's been through!
the betrayal of a friend
the bitterness, the disloyalty
the anger swelling up inside
the pain of her past
the pain of her present
and the pain that will
remain forever.

no one deserves to be treated like that
when treatment is your job
and you do nothing
you refuse care
to the ones who need care the most
to the ones who cry out for help
no one deserves that.
----------------------------------------------

Today, life slapped me in the face. Today, my distrust of the medical professionals who claim to want to help, was confirmed and enhanced. I have always been cautious around doctors, skeptical... and now right when I think I'm actually beginning to trust, I get thrown out like I'm just some joe-schmo who doesn't matter, because I'm just another patient, I'm just another number... my life, health and well-being doesn't REALLY matter after all, I can be handed off from doctor to doctor, never getting the right treatment, always having to start over and explain the same painful story over and over and OVER again to some doctor who looks me in the eye and pretends to be all concerned and trying to help, when really, they're just going to end up like all the others who have abandoned me and given up on me. Don't you dare refuse to see me, after everything I've been through, don't you begin to "phase-out" seeing your patients without telling my family what the hell is going on, while I go weeks of feeling pain that doubles me over and leaves me depressed and exhausted.......

I feel so unimportant, and worthless. The sick shouldn't be treated like that, the sick should be encouraged and loved and feel like they're worth any kind of treatment or care that will help them have a better life, like they're valuable.

It isn't fair, it isn't right.
the end.

it all seemed so real

Do you ever listen to the words of a song, and think to yourself that you wish someone had said those words to you? Like if everything went the way you wanted it to, that person would have said exactly the words that you now hear every day in that song? Sometimes songs come along like that, and it makes me think about all of that stuff. All of the distance references in the song, "Hey There Delilah" can only make me think of a certain somebody who lives 1200 miles away and used to have my heart, but never loved me enough to do anything to be with me. Time has passed, but I'll never be able to deny how much I wish he would have found it in him to speak such lovely words of assurance and commitment (emphasis on past tense). I'm fine with everything now, because everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't be where I am today if that whole thing hadn't gone down, so I am content knowing that I'm where I'm supposed to be. God really does take care of everything, in the end. I'd rather Him hold my heart for the time being.

Also, I just re-discovered some of my old, old, old CD's that were hidden away in a drawer in my room, and I popped one of them in and I'm seriously loving it. Partly because it brings me back a little to those careless days before high school and jobs and responsibility... but partly because I really do like the particular album or song(s). For instance, I am listening to Vanessa Carlton's first album- Be Not Nobody, and I feel like I'm back in 8th grade again. I am usually pretty outspoken about my dislike for female vocalists, but lately I've widened my range because I'm finding there are definitely some female singers who can REALLY sing. Anyway, Vanessa Carlton's voice is kind of weird and so I kind of like it. I am a sucker for pretty piano songs though, so that probably has a lot to do with it too.

I went through an awkward stage where I thought I was too old and too cool to admit anymore that I still liked boy bands like Backstreet Boys and Nsync, but now that I'm a sophomore in college I think it's pretty safe to say I'll always like the catchy little tunes from good ol' Backstreet and N*sync, or N*suck as I used to call them because you couldn't be a fan of both while they had their prime reign over pre-teen girls around the world.

That's all I've got for now. Goooooooooodnight.

"then tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade..."

i'm just in the mood to do this.

Favorite Songs of just a few of my favorite bands, be prepared......

Death Cab For Cutie:
1. Tiny Vessels
2. Sound of Settling
3. Transatlanticism
4. We Looked Like Giants
5. Marching Bands of Manhattan

Mae:
1. Breakdown
2. Giving It Away
3. Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

Dave Matthews Band:
1. Warehouse
2. Big Eyed Fish
3. American Baby
4. Best of What's Around
5. Stay or Leave

The Wedding:
1. This One Is For You
2. I-540
3. Fireworks

Guster:
1. Careful
2. Ramona
3. Backyard

Jimmy Eat World:
1. Work
2. Hear You Me
3. Kill

John Mayer:
1. Why Georgia
2. My Stupid Mouth
3. Your Body Is a Wonderland
4. Bigger Than My Body
5. Back To You

Relient K:
1. Be My Escape
2. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
3. Getting Into You
4. Failure to Excommunicate
5. Must Have Done Something Right
6. For The Moments I Feel Faint
7. Pressing On
8. Life After Death & Taxes
9. I Am Understood
10. Overthinking

Sigur Ros:
1. Saeglopur
2. Andvari
3.Hoppipolla

Third Eye Blind:
1. Semi-Charmed Life
2. Jumper
3. Never Let You Go

Anberlin:
1. A Day Late
2. Paperthin Hymn
3. Time and Confusion

Coldplay:
1. In My Place
2. The Scientist
3. Clocks
4. Trouble
5. Yellow
6. Amsterdam
7. Warning Sign
8. Fix You
9.Talk
10. White Shadows

The Envy Corps:
1. Sylvia (the Beekeeper)
2. Rhinemaidens
3. Story Problem

The Faint:
1. Southern Belles In London Sing
2. Glass Danse
3. I Disappear

The Format:
1. On Your Porch
2. The First Single
3. I'm Ready, I Am
4. She Doesn't Get It (acoustic)
5. Tie The Rope

Goo Goo Dolls:
1. Slide
2. Name
3. Black Balloon
4. Iris
5. Acoustic #3
6. Big Machine
7. Here Is Gone
8. Let Love In
9. Sympathy
10. Better Days

Disney:
1. I Just Can't Wait To Be King
2. I'll Make A Man Out of You
3. Colors of the Wind
4. Whole New World
5. Part of Your World
6. Can You Feel The Love Tonight
7. Hakuna Matata
8. Kiss the Girl
9. Under the Sea
10. Circle of Life

"Jesus, Jesus, there's something about Your name... Master, Savior, Jesus."

"Does not wisdom cry out,
And understanding lift up her voice?
She takes her stand on the top of the high hill,
Beside the way, where the paths meet.
She cries out by the gates, at the entry of the city,
At the entrance of the doors:
'To you, O men, I call,
And my voice is to the sons of men.
O you simple ones, understand prudence.
And you fools, be of an understanding heart.
Listen, for I will speak of excellent things,
And from the opening of my lips will come right things;
For my mouth will speak truth;
Wickedness is an abomination to my lips.
All the words of my mouth are with righteousness;
Nothing crooked or perverse is in them.
They are all plain to him who understands,
And right to those wo find knowledge.
Receive my instruction, and not silver,
And knowledge rather than choice gold;
For wisdom is better than rubies,
And all the things one may desire cannot be compared with her.'"
-Proverbs 8:1-11

"It's true I failed, but Your love covers me."

Today I awoke to a surge of creativity inside of me. The artistic vibe flourished and I found myself painting on my deck, listening to The Almost.

This lyric: "It's true I failed, but Your love covers me"
was the inspiration for my painting. This is how I would explain it more...

dirtiness of sin in our lives
we fail all the time
we're constantly sinning
but that is not the end
no, God gives us
new beginnings
hope for life
His sacrificial love
covers every mistake
wiping us clean of all the
dirt, grime, and ugliness
making us white as snow
His blood covers us
His love saves us

He LOVES us!
<3

So I felt those words and I turned them into colors. It's a more simple, abstract piece. Not much technique nor compositon considered, but emotion and color dominate the overall look... and a little bit of movement. I have limited supplies too, so, that kind of stinks. It took many layers to finally feel right to me, and I kept adding washes on top to polish it off. It's nothing amazing, but I like it. It'll do for now. I've been walking around my empty house singing worship songs out loud to God, well at least I hope no one was around because I'd be a little embarrassed... but uhh, I'm really focused on God today, and I feel good about that.

Love, Emily.

"hey there delilah, i've got so much left to say, if every simple song i wrote to you would take your breath away, i'd write it all..."

ok, so, last night was the coolest night of my life. Wanna know why it was so cool? Because Scott had a Tea Party, and so we sat around and watched The Office while drinking all kinds of teas for about 3 hours. I believe I had four mugs of Vanilla Almond flavored tea, and I even got Aubrey (who is not a tea drinker at all) to get addicted to it and have like 3 cups. We also watched the most random show on earth, called Stella, and I about died from how much I laughed at it. There were a ton of people who showed up too, let's see if I can get everyone... Scott, Aubrey, Zach, Sam, Michelle, Josh, Steve S., Kayla, Mitch, Bryan, Linds, JR, Rob, Pete, Sarah, Mike, Kate, Nick, aaaaand of course myself. Goodness! So anyway, it was tons of fun, and I woke up today craving some vanilla almond!

Here is something that I love: finishing my shower, walking into my room to see Aubrey asleep on my bed and listening to my Lord of the Rings soundtrack. seriously how cute is that, I just loveeee her.

I am working on my pride, and today was a great opportunity for me to do so. Aubs and I got in a little fight, and both of us sat inside Tropical Sno saying nothing to each other and sitting there awkwardly fuming, poor Zach had to be there throughout the tension-filled 15 minutes or so, and then I put my pride aside and told her I was sorry for getting so angry, and then she told me she was sorry for coming off as a jerk and explained what she really meant by her comment, and then we hugged and it was over. So it's little things like that that are helping me cut down my pride, so hopefully I can get better and better.

Tonight we are going to light off a bunch of Stevie's fireworks and go crazy, woooo!!!

So this is my favorite song at the moment... just look at these lyrics:

Hey there Delilah,
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away,
But girl tonight you look so pretty,
Yes you do,
Time Square can’t shine as bright as you,
I swear it’s true.

Hey there Delilah,
Don’t you worry about the distance,
I’m right there if you get lonely,
Give this song another listen,
Close your eyes,
Listen to my voice it’s my disguise,
I’m by your side.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
What you do to me.

Hey there Delilah,
I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me girl some day,
I'll pay the bills with this guitar,
We'll have it good,
We'll have the life we knew we would,
My word is good.

Hey there Delilah,
I’ve got so much left to say,
If every simple song I wrote to you,
Would take your breath away,
I’d write it all,
Even more in love with me you’d fall,
We’d have it all.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me.

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
I’d walk to you if I had no other way,
Our friends would all make fun of us,
And we'll just laugh along because,
We know that none of them have felt this way,
Delilah I can promise you,
That by the time that we get through,
The world will never ever be the same,
And you’re to blame.

Hey there Delilah you be good,
And don’t you miss me,
Two more years and you’ll be done with school,
And I'll be making history,
Like I do,
You’ll know it's all because of you,
We can do whatever we want to,
Hey there Delilah here's to you,
This one’s for you.
--Plain White T's
<3

"without you there is no doubt, I would break under the burden..."

I've had to deal with a lot of pain this week, but at the same time I've had more fun this week than I can sufficiently express. Sometimes I wonder how a person can enjoy life amidst so much pain and misery and weariness, but then I hit myself in the forehead and go "uh-duh!" because it's so clear: God. He provides the strength, He provides the rest, He provides everything I need when I depend on Him and trust Him. I can't believe I went so many months with my back turned to the only One who can make everything better for me. I'm so thirsty for the Word. My thoughts are more focused on what's important, being Christ-like and being a light in a dark world. I am able to withstand the pain of kidney stones time and time again, without sorrow or bitterness in my heart.

This week I have.........
worked lots, watched 4th of July fireworks with a huge group of awesome people, comforted a crying friend, been to a friend's battle of the bands, cheered The Freedom Project until my voice grew hoarse, thrown the frisbee around on multiple occasions, started hanging out with new and exciting people, had Zach sleep over at my house (on the couch, duh), watched fireworks at the Capitol downtown, had a sleepover with Aubs, partied at the Laugerman's and listened to musicians play beautiful music, sang along to every song while driving down Highway 5 with Aubrey and Zach, went to Immersion for the first time in a REALLY long time, had good conversation and good fellowship at The Wel after Immersion, tried my first Jones' Soda, worshiped my amazing God, chilled at a bonfire, went to the beach, been to an I-Cubs game at Principal Park, seen another fireworks display after the game, played frisbee in the dark with a sweet light-up frisbee, hung out with everyone at Foster's which made it feel like I was back at Iowa State, read my Bible when I was feeling down, had meaningful conversations, went out to dinner with my mom, and probably more but I can't even remember everything since there's so much! ahh!

Oh, and the not-fun stuff.... well two days in a row I had to leave work because I got kidney pain, and everything that comes with that... umm, and was bed-ridden for a few hours. One of the days, Ben and Sam came and visited me :), and today Zach and Aubs came over and kept me company for a little bit :). Uhhhhh, earlier in the week I had an episode where I couldn't even drive myself home I was in so much pain and so dizzy and nauseous. ugh. yuck. blah. yyyyeah. But you know what? I'll be ok.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30 *my life verse*

that's all<3

you are the only one that knows exactly what I mean....

:(

I wish I could just be strong right now. I wish I could feel the strength that has always gotten me through these times before. But instead, all I feel is down and out. The threads of my body are screeching at me, "stop we can't take anymore pain, stop!" but I just have to bear it and act like everything's fine. Because once you stop and let yourself dive into the pool of wallowing, you never accomplish anything. I hope so much that tomorrow does not bring another day of pain, nausea, dizziness and fatigue. I know God's in control, but physical ailing strikes me hard and it strikes me often, and it's just super hard to get on with everything else at the same time. Every time my stones do this crap to me, I think about the future and how many other times I will have to endure this stuff. I remember a year ago thinking about how in the world I was gonna deal with it all on my own when I'm in college and away from my parents, who usually dealt with me when I experienced kidney problems. Then college came and all the sudden it was the end of my freshman year, and I had somehow dealt with major kidney pain like three or four times. But now I sit here a year later, and I'm thinking about the exact same thing. I know I have the strength because my God gives me the strength when I need it, but it's these moments where everything just gets to me and strips away my armor... I don't know if I have it in me to keep dealing with this.

And I mostly think that because I am so driven by my emotions. Sickness and pain and suffering make me feel terrible, therefore I think negative things. So somehow I must overcome it..... again.

I'm just overwhelmed with life right now. I feel hints of discontent itching at me once again.

To be honest, I kind of just want to be back in Ames right now. Back in the dorms, back to campustown, back at the UDCC eating meals, back to learning and walking to class, back to shared bathrooms, back to pick-up soccer games on central campus, back to weekly fellowship at Salt. Back to the college life. At first I thought that it was because summer is routine-free and school months are spent in routine, but I thought about it more and I don't think you can say one is this and one is that. I think I have phases of routine and phases of non-routine every now and then, and it's not necessarily a routine absolutely just because when school starts I have a schedule to follow when it comes to going to classes and doing homework. It's a routine when you don't change things up every now and then. So I'm definitely looking forward to August and being back at Iowa State.

I had a big let-down occur the other day. My North-Carolinian friend Adam promised me last summer when I flew to NC to visit, that he would see me either in 8 months for spring break, or a year for a week during the summer- this summer. Well spring break didnt work out, so this summer was the last option. After discussing all possible dates, basically there's no way he can fly out here. THe only window of opportunity is right before I go back to ISU, literally like days before, and I just don't want to have to host a guest in my house and in my town when I'm getting ready to move out again and get ready for school. He has summer school, and gets his wisdom teeth out the only other week that would work, so there's no time left. Basically, he's not coming, and that promise he made me isn't going to be fulfilled. It's just a huge let down. We've had a rocky relationship, but Adam isn't someone I'm going to just stop being friends with because of things that have happened in the past. I know my friends would advise me to stay away from him (that's funny b/c he's 1200 miles away), but it kind of frustrates me that they never understand how he will always be apart of my life no matter what. So anyway, he's not coming. I'm sad, because I miss him a ton. He has a new girlfriend and he's been taking summer classes so he can get into NC State next Spring and is doing really well, and then I'm working all the time or with my friends every night, so we don't get to talk on the phone that much anymore. Basically he thinks I don't care about him at all because I never call him anymore, but in reality I care about him so freaking much and think about him all the time. I don't call because I always gets home late, and if I call earlier in te day he has classes, so our schedules never really mesh enough to meet halfway it seems. I wish I could fly to NC right now and see him!

My heart is dizzy and overwhelmed right now. I think about someone and dream and imagine things, then the next minute I'm doing the same thing about someone else, then it changes again, then it goes back to the first one, then I just want to throw up.

Well I open Tropical Sno tomorrow morning, so I think I'll go to bed now. I pray that I can have a day of no kidney stone problems that make me feel weak and drained and make me want to curl up in a ball in my bed and leave the shades down. :(

<3