After saying goodnight to each other, I was ready to fall asleep and have wonderful dreams. But just as I reached to turn off the light, my phone rang again and it was him. I wondered what could possibly be the reason, seeing as we had been on the phone for hours and had talked about everything that two people can talk about. "Yes?" I said. And then he said those words. Those words we always long to hear in the deepest threads of our heart. Those words that change everything in an instant. The ones that our softest, sweetest dreams are created from. And he said them to me.
I feel that if I had heard this from him a year ago or some other previous year, my reaction would be predictable and assumed. But my life has changed so much in the past year. So many things are different. I'M different. I couldn't answer the same way I would have back then.
My heartbeat was suddenly beating out of my chest and I could hear it as if someone was playing a base drum in my ear. My eyes searched the room to look for some assurance that this was indeed reality and not just a dream. My mouth was moving, but no words were coming out, they were stuck in my throat. I was a deer stuck in the headlights. I felt so many things all at once that I couldn't possibly choose just one of them to express, so my brain opted to give up and express nothing. I wanted so badly to say the words back to him, that was absolutely clear. But I was frozen. I sputtered out a few words of explanation, but mostly left him hanging there in his vulnerability.
My heart was yelling, "Say it Say it Say it!!" but my head was screaming back, "No, I can't!" and it was then I realized how utterly frightened I was of what had just been said to me. Not because I didn't feel the same way. Not because I didn't want this to happen. But because I knew how strongly I felt the same way, and how devastating it would be if this didn't work out someday. Right when he said those words to me, I was afraid he was going to vanish in an instant and be gone forever and I would be left alone. I was horribly scared to lose him. Because I know how hard this will be. Once we admit this, there's no going back. And I'm not completely sure that I have it in me to go all the way. That's what scares me the most. And that's why I couldn't say the words back to him. I am 100% stupid and 100% chicken.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Changes.
There is a lot going on in my life right now. It's crazy! I'm proud of myself for managing everything the way I have.... even though I wish I could manage it all better, I know I'm still learning. Always learning. That never changes.
In the past couple months, a lot has changed. I've leaned a lot less on some people that are in my life, and leaned a lot more on others. I've become a die-hard Scrubs fan, nay- FANATIC, pretty much, and watch every season over and over again. I've even begun to apply certain episodes to what's going on in my own life and thinking about how J.D. and the rest of the hospital gang get through the tough times of life. Though it is just a tv show, it is a lot more to it underneath all the quirky jokes. I've had a variety of sicknesses, including the current one that is starting to go away finally- my lovely bronchitus/asthma. I attended the 2008 Snowball with Salt Company, which reminded me how much I miss high school homecoming and prom dances and refueled my love for the art of dance.
I have shied away from any and all opportunities to get anywhere NEAR dating a new boy. Literally I have kept it from even entering the door to my mind... and the few times someone has tried to creep in there, I get so scared about just THINKING about being in a relationship I absolutely FREAK out and try to remind myself to keep breathing steady, deep breaths...otherwise I'd probably faint. Yeah. That's new for me. I was always miss boy crazy, miss always-wanting-to-be-in-a-relationship. Ya not so much.... not since, well, we'll just say not since what happened last year with a certain boy. Speaking of which, is in a new relationship which totally confuses me and creeps me out actually....it's just really weird to me, not in a i-still-care kind of way, just a how-can-you-not-notice way. best of luck to them.
There is, however, a boy that is always on my mind, of course. The one that lives 1200 miles away from me and always has! Apparently no guy in Iowa deserves me. I'm going to be on a plane in exactly 7 days flying to the beautiful state of North Carolina to spend 10 days with him, his friends, and his family. I don't think I've ever been MORE excited to see someone in my entire life. And for once... we are oddly both single. We talk.... preeetty much every single day, sometimes twice, sometimes three times on the phone. I am still in shock that I am actually going to be in his presence after 2 years and 5 months. That's a long time people! in March, it will be 7 years since that fateful day we met on the cruise ship. Unbelievable. I have imagined the moment we see each other at the Raleigh-Durham airport in my head, over, and over, and over again. Every time is different. But every time is the same. I am always happy in every dream that I have, always euphorically....happy.
I met and started hanging out with a new friend named Blake, that's actually on the ISU track team with all my other guy friends. We became buds really fast. I'm so comfortable around him and there's no "tension" with him regarding that always-there feeling guys and girls have around each other when they first become friends that makes them wonder if they'll ever be more than friends. It's nice. Very odd, but really nice. I can always count on him to pick me up from right outside my dorm and take me home at a second's notice, to be playing gangsta rap and hip hop whenever we drive somewhere, and to do something spontaneous with me at ridiculous hours of the night. It's awesome!
I've had interesting sleep patterns in the past month. It's been horrible, but at the same time, enlightening. With all my sicknesses, medicines, side effects of medicines, and trying to keep up with school and work which is exhausting when you're already sick and tired anyway.....well, my body clock has been WAY off. So there have been many times I would be asleep during the day and wide awake at night. Or sleep extra long, like for 15 hours. Or be wide awake and unable to fall asleep for 32 hours straight. All I can say is that it's been... quite an experience.
I'm glad to announce I have finally found my calling in my Fashion Design major here at Iowa State. However, it has not been an easy semester. Somehow I couldn't escape the clutches of sickness again, and it has caused a bunch of problems for me.... again.... right at the end of the semester... it's been quite the struggle. I hope things work out. That's really all I can say at this point.
Love always.
In the past couple months, a lot has changed. I've leaned a lot less on some people that are in my life, and leaned a lot more on others. I've become a die-hard Scrubs fan, nay- FANATIC, pretty much, and watch every season over and over again. I've even begun to apply certain episodes to what's going on in my own life and thinking about how J.D. and the rest of the hospital gang get through the tough times of life. Though it is just a tv show, it is a lot more to it underneath all the quirky jokes. I've had a variety of sicknesses, including the current one that is starting to go away finally- my lovely bronchitus/asthma. I attended the 2008 Snowball with Salt Company, which reminded me how much I miss high school homecoming and prom dances and refueled my love for the art of dance.
I have shied away from any and all opportunities to get anywhere NEAR dating a new boy. Literally I have kept it from even entering the door to my mind... and the few times someone has tried to creep in there, I get so scared about just THINKING about being in a relationship I absolutely FREAK out and try to remind myself to keep breathing steady, deep breaths...otherwise I'd probably faint. Yeah. That's new for me. I was always miss boy crazy, miss always-wanting-to-be-in-a-relationship. Ya not so much.... not since, well, we'll just say not since what happened last year with a certain boy. Speaking of which, is in a new relationship which totally confuses me and creeps me out actually....it's just really weird to me, not in a i-still-care kind of way, just a how-can-you-not-notice way. best of luck to them.
There is, however, a boy that is always on my mind, of course. The one that lives 1200 miles away from me and always has! Apparently no guy in Iowa deserves me. I'm going to be on a plane in exactly 7 days flying to the beautiful state of North Carolina to spend 10 days with him, his friends, and his family. I don't think I've ever been MORE excited to see someone in my entire life. And for once... we are oddly both single. We talk.... preeetty much every single day, sometimes twice, sometimes three times on the phone. I am still in shock that I am actually going to be in his presence after 2 years and 5 months. That's a long time people! in March, it will be 7 years since that fateful day we met on the cruise ship. Unbelievable. I have imagined the moment we see each other at the Raleigh-Durham airport in my head, over, and over, and over again. Every time is different. But every time is the same. I am always happy in every dream that I have, always euphorically....happy.
I met and started hanging out with a new friend named Blake, that's actually on the ISU track team with all my other guy friends. We became buds really fast. I'm so comfortable around him and there's no "tension" with him regarding that always-there feeling guys and girls have around each other when they first become friends that makes them wonder if they'll ever be more than friends. It's nice. Very odd, but really nice. I can always count on him to pick me up from right outside my dorm and take me home at a second's notice, to be playing gangsta rap and hip hop whenever we drive somewhere, and to do something spontaneous with me at ridiculous hours of the night. It's awesome!
I've had interesting sleep patterns in the past month. It's been horrible, but at the same time, enlightening. With all my sicknesses, medicines, side effects of medicines, and trying to keep up with school and work which is exhausting when you're already sick and tired anyway.....well, my body clock has been WAY off. So there have been many times I would be asleep during the day and wide awake at night. Or sleep extra long, like for 15 hours. Or be wide awake and unable to fall asleep for 32 hours straight. All I can say is that it's been... quite an experience.
I'm glad to announce I have finally found my calling in my Fashion Design major here at Iowa State. However, it has not been an easy semester. Somehow I couldn't escape the clutches of sickness again, and it has caused a bunch of problems for me.... again.... right at the end of the semester... it's been quite the struggle. I hope things work out. That's really all I can say at this point.
Love always.
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