"I don't really miss it all that much..."

I've decided to begin every train of thought with the word "As." Because I can.


As I sit here alone, with no roommate to quietly whisper a goodnight to just across the room from where I lie, I sort of wish I wasn't such a people person. Like life would be so much easier if I was totally ok with being an introvert all the time..... because I find myself alone for a large portion of my life. Or, rather, those periods of time just stick out... because I do really love being around people that much. Either way, since my roommate had to move out because of her health issues with the mold in our room, I am still upset about getting all familiar with living with another person and making a new friend, then having it all ripped away from me in a matter of 2 days. The ironic part is that I know exactly what it feels like to be her and have to choose your health over what you wish you could do. That's really why we made such a strong bond so quickly.... and it's still there, but I can't wake up with it there or go to bed knowing it's there either.

As I think about the person I'm avoiding currently, I wonder if they're starting to wonder if I'm avoiding them. It's not that I'm immature and don't want to own up to something I did. I really have not had 30 minutes to myself the past 2 days. All of my time and energy goes to my schoolwork and classes, or work these days. To be honest, I don't think a lot of people who know me pretty well actually get how busy I actually am and how demanding my major actually is.......they're probably used to me being the girl that always had time for everyone else, but that was before I got my life in order and figured out I have to stop giving away all my time to other people and other things.... and finally give myself the time of day to do what I want and what I need. And what I want and need right now is to succeed in school and get my GPA up and focus on learning everything I need to learn to practice my passion for fashion one day... and be happy with what I do and who I am. That's the ultimate goal. And the only way I'll get there is by being a little selfish. Note: I use the term selfish in a way you probably won't really understand. It's a little complicated. And I'm not going to elaborate.

As I recall going to work last night, I was very much dreading it... as usual. Sunday nights are usually so bland at the C-store. I have to be in the back cooler, stocking all the milk and drinks and frozen snacks in the 40 degree temperature. Granted, I get to look like an eskimo (eskimos are cool) with multiple big puffy coats covering my little frame as I grab more crates of Powerade and Mountain Dew and stumble into the freezing cold death chamber (I just came up with that name for it!!). Anyway, the thing is it's the people I work with on said night that usually give me no reason to look forward to it. However, last night my team was all in such good moods that everyone had a lot of fun practically the entire time. I let my charming personality and silly humor get me in with the 2 cool black dudes I work with, and made the cheese dish for the deli look so pretty my supervisor said she'd write about it and put it in the comment box. BAM!!! But the icing on the cake is that my boss (who I was full and ready to walk up to and rant for 10 minutes about how smiling is good for the soul if the opportunity came), spoke more than 2 sentences to me (first surprise), AND (second surprise), said aforementioned sentences in a kind tone of voice. BAHH!! I sensed a hint of a smile on her face too...... incredible. So I didn't get to say my awesome speech about smiling and laughter and how being a nice person in general is a good thing.....and how if she wanted to work in the food industry she probably should have realized it's about dealing with people, both employees and customers, ALL THE DANG TIME, and brushed up on her people skills and maybe gotten some counseling on how to JUST BE A NICE PERSON.... but if I would have gotten to give my whole rant, I probably would have gotten fired. so. I guess my own boss kinda saved my butt in an ironic twist. :)

As I was typing up my resume down in the good ol' Friley computer lab just about 45 minutes ago, I couldn't help but get a little down on myself. The education section that I needed to list out made me ponder my life more than I would have liked to at the moment. My instructor gave us a little outline that basically wrote our resume for ourselves, but it was supposed to be a guide, and prompted us to list academic awards, honors, art show awards, scholarships, our GPA, and other such things. After getting out the major things like what my major is and my emphasis and that I am a Hixson Scholarship Recipient........I realized that is my only pride and joy that matters to the outside world and the academic world of Iowa State University. The fact that I have yet to graduate with anything official from this lovely university, and I am a member of a scholarship group (which is very honorable, but... that's all). As far as anyone is concerned, I am about as valuable of a potential employee as a homeless man off the street........ well, you know what I mean. My GPA is sub-par after all the crappy health problems and personal situations that have interfered with my past semesters. I have never made the Dean's List. I have not won any awards in my 2 and a half years of attending, I have not even been put in any leadership positions in any clubs, groups, or activities, and my main activity within this university is a Christian Youth Group. Wow. I sound just AMAZING to an designer who needs an intern to come help design and work in their store. Note: Sarcastic tone.

As I continued sitting in the Friley computer lab thinking about how pathetic and troublesome my college years have been, I began to feel my blood temperature rise a little bit... as I questioned, 'how about in the Experience section i include that i've passed probably 10 kidney stones known to date?' or perhaps, 'for one of my many Key Skills, what about putting down- 'should have died from car accident but has great skills in not dying even though all odds are against me''.....better yet, 'activities: telling myself that i love myself and i'm worth living, every day. because if i dont, i might not believe it.' eh? do those things matter on frickin Resumes?! no. no they dont. all the life experiences I have that matter in my heart and my soul.... don't matter at ALL to the world outside of my college shelter. they dont care that i've overcome pain after pain after pain and learned how to cope with immense stress and become a strong, stable woman. But they do care that my GPA is not a 3.0 or a 4.0. And they do care that I've never been on the Dean's List and I'm a junior in college at major university. Awesome. I am just set, aren't I? :(

Resumes suck.

when it rains...

Life is hard.

some people just let you down, all the time, and you should probably get used to it.

Fear is a trap. Don't fall into it.

there are just some things that you can't fix.

brokenness is a lonely tunnel with no light at the end.

if you don't show someone that you care, how do they know that you care?

if you get the opportunity to let someone know you care, don't pass it up. if enough opportunities go by unnoticed, eventually you send a very clear message that is very hurtful.

oblivious is not an excuse.

if you don't have time for me, i'm not going to give you my time.

when it rains on this side of town, it touches EVERYTHING.