all stirred up

why am I restless? why am I so eager to rebel? why is my spirit so weak? why am I ready to snap? why do I all the sudden feel the way I did when I was a stupid, rebellious new teenager? why do we screw things up all the time and make bad choices? why do I find myself in the middle of it all? why am I so easily seduced into doing what is wrong right now? why do I walk so straight a line if I know I'm going to step out of line anyway? why do I feel this way? why does this line frighten me right now? why do I just want to run off somewhere else as fast as I can?

questions. I'm filled with them.

"...this makes me feel that I'll never be quite normal"

so I have an announcement. Here it is...

I have completed my moleskin journal. I received it at the Valley Church Senior Banquet ONE YEAR AGO this month as a present for graduating... and my first entry was on May 11, 2006. I completed the last page of it Monday night... May 28, 2007. Every single page of that thing is filled with my ideas, stories, vents, poetry, hopes, dreams, fears, memories, feelings, and other intangible things of substance that come from my heart. My 2006-2007 moleskin documents one of the craziest, or, rather, THE craziest year of my life thus far... and it does so in my own style, which includes insane rambling, stupid unnecessary details, life altering moments, and raw emotion.

I need to go buy a new moleskin now. I plan on writing in one every year for the rest of my life. They're the greatest journals known to earth.
------------------

New subject.

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I was just thinking... of course I was JUST thinking- I always have flashes of thoughts storm my mind right as I want to calm down and shut the lights off and go to bed. ughhh. haha... yeah....

I actually feel weird tonight going to sleep in my own bed in my own room, and by myself. I didn't feel weird last night because Aubrey was sleeping with me. But for the 3 previous nights I went to bed in Brek's room while I was visiting in Wisconsin. It's strange how it only took 3 nights for me to become habituated in arriving at his home late at night, getting a glass of juice while he had a glass of milk and a snack in the kitchen, walking down the dark staircase, then going to his room, me getting ready for bed and crashing on his huge L-shaped couch, and him doing his nightly routine then crashing in his bed about 10 feet away from me. Every night we did the same thing, and it's actually hilarious when I think about it now. It's always interesting to see people's "nightly routines" or "morning routines"... as Aubrey and I were discussing this morning when we awoke and got ready for the day together in my room. I just feel weird for some reason, being back in my own bed. Maybe because I was so comfortable staying with Brek- haha, which is kind of.. um, odd? yes, a little bit. i dont know, maybe it's the whole college thing. I spent so many late, late, late nights with Brek, Mel and Steve just laying around in Steve's room that I was used to it I guess... or something. I kinda miss hearing Brek ask me if I have enough blankets, if I need another pillow, if I'm warm enough, or bidding me goodnight by saying "well..... see you in the morning Em." haha. dang it, I'm so glad I met them at ISU. So glad.

A light inside a dark tunnel.

sigh. ok. goodnight. <3

"I can't believe I didn't say this sooner..."

I don't know how to describe how I feel right at this moment. I don't. I just....... don't.

This stormy business outside is affecting me inside. It also just matches my insides, but, it's definitely emphasizing what's going on inside too.

So I feel like my head is surrounded by hazy clouds... I'm jumbled up, like nothing feels "right" in my world anymore. Everything was "fine" about 4 hours ago, but all the sudden I had a rapid change in pace, and in heart. It's like if my day today were a novel, about 4 hours ago you would get to the chapter where "the twist" occurs in the plot. My twist seems to be internal conflict, mostly.

In a span of about 2 hours, lots of things went wrong and affected me in a negative way. First off, I drive to the Walgreens on University and 60th to develop a bunch of pictures, and when I walk in... both the digital photo machines are being used, and they were being used by older women (no offense) who had just started the process and moved about 1 picture per hour and didn't seem to know what they were doing at all. Seriously..... I was pissed. So I just left. Then, I was thinking how coffee would perk me up a little, so I drive right across the street to Java G's. It's freaking closed! It was 15 minutes after 7 p.m.! What kind of coffee shop closes before 9 p.m. on a weekday!? a weekday where people like me want to give themselves a "lift" with some delicious coffee, but not until 7 in the evening! Wow! ok, so, then I drove down the road to Hy-vee because they have a Starbucks in there. I go in, the girl is nice working there and gives me my white mocha... and I'm walking out of Hy-vee and I realize she didn't put on a hot drink slip (the thing that goes around the coffee that keeps your hands from friggin burning off because the coffee is so friggin hot!).... so my hands were seriously steaming and it just pissed me off even more. I make my way back to Walgreens and one of the photo machines is free finally, and I find out that like a BUTTLOAD of pictures that me and my friends had taken the night we went to see the Pirates of the Caribbean 3 movie premier aren't on my camera..... and I don't have any clue as to why they're not there.... and I tried putting my camera card into my laptop and seeing if they show up in my computer and they're no where to be found... so yeah I'm just so darn confused and pissed about that. Anyway, I finished doing my photos, like mostly just my pics from my weekend in Wisconsin with Mel & Brek..... and I was so pissed that I didn't even want to wait around tonight to go pick the pics back up, so I picked tomorrow after 8 pm for my pick-up time, and seriously I don't even know why I did that because now it just seems stupid to me. I'm just sitting around doing nothing and I could have gone back and gotten my pictures, but whatever, I'm retarted and make bad decisions when I'm stressed... so... that's that.

I found out today that I'm gonna miss out on a really cool show in my favorite park this Friday night, because I'm working til close. sweet. NOT!

I also found out that Adam is officially in a relationship with this Dani girl he met like a month ago or something. and I don't like that at all. and I could say a lot more about that but I probably should refrain so I will, because sometimes I am self-controlled. sometimes. Is it so bad that I will probably never like him being with another girl? I mean is that a bad sign?... really? It's just because I care... and I know him more than anyone AND he was my first love, plus I just don't think these other girls are right for him. I don't think he has the best judgment in picking girlfriends, but, I can't really do anything about it....I just have to sit back and watch mistakes being made and so that kind of sucks. oh well right?

I'm seriously obsessed with the song "Say This Sooner" by The Almost. Anyone who doesn't care for it can....suck it. yeah I said it. I'm just not in the mood.

[Every day that passes by
shoves you further away
away from me
away from the present
every day that passes by
pushes you one more day
closer to being in my past
to being just a memory.]

ok the end!

Wisconsin Love!

sooooo I'm currently in Verona, Wisconsin! I arrived here yesterday at 7 pm and I'm staying til Monday morning I believe. Mel, Brek and I ate out for dinner last night, then we came back to Brek's house so Brek could shower and I took a little nap since I was so tired from the 5-hour drive. We went to a party and hung out for a while with people they know, and then they drove me around downtown Madison and it was AWESOME. They showed me the whole campustown and pointed out lots of sweet things, seriously it was a really cool city, very pretty too. I stayed at Brek's last night, and that's where I am right now. It was kind of weird because Mel and Brek have been dating forever, but Mel wanted me to stay in Brek's room since her house is currently undergoing a mass cleaning for her grad party on Sunday and doesn't have a guest room. I slept great though because I was so freaking tired, and Brek was super tired from working all day so we both just crashed when we got back here at like 1 a.m.

We're gonna have lunch soon, and then Brek's taking me over to Mel's so Mel and I can go to some graduation parties she feels "obligated" to go to, haha. So, free food, yay!! Then we'll meet back up with Brek for dinner and go out to one of Brek's friends' parties tonight I guess. We're all mad at Steve because he's being lame and keeps saying he's not sure he can come up here because of his mom not wanting him to be away from home after having his leg surgery.... and I totally understand her concern, but ughhhh we all really wanted to see him and have like a reunion of all four of us! but oh well, I guess whatever happens, happens. He might still be able to come tomorrow for Mel's party. I HOOOOPE, I hope I hope I hope!

Wisconsin is BEAUTIFUL. I love it here. ok that's all for now. later!! <3

a nightmare

her words are haunting
they resound in the deep
my own words fail me
hushed, they disappear
her voice remains wicked
in the gathering darkness
my voice sounds a whisper
but it's all I can muster
her words are defining
they embed under my skin
my own words are lost
transformed into wailing
her voice seeks to thwart me
and hasten a deadly fall
my voice succumbs to quiet
and renders me powerless.

her words ring out at night
and haunt me in my dreams
how will I ever erase them from
the soul they left their mark upon?

"A Tale As Old As Time..."

Disney movies were my childhood. They weren't just "apart" of my childhood, they WERE my childhood. Many years later, now they are known as the Disney classics. I love them the same now that I'm a college kid as much as I loved them when I was 8.... if not more now, and for different reasons probably. Getting older, I've come to understand that these movies have their flaws... but what doesn't? It can be pointed out that most of the Disney classics have negative things in them like alcoholism, single parents, murder, orphaned kids, death of a family member, etc., but I think those things are ultimately what make these movies more realistic... because let's face it, they're fairy tales and stories of lions who talk, a prince being put under a spell to look like a beast, a magical genie that comes out of a lamp, a mermaid kingdom living in the sea, a magical land called neverland where no one ever grows up... I mean this stuff is pure fantasy. Plus, I don't know about other kids, but when I was a little kid, I never noticed the pirate Smee excessively drinking rum in Peter Pan, or any of those things that pop up in Disney movies. I took notice of them when I got older, but by that time I knew that they were just apart of the movie, and also that they are unfortunately things that come from real life. So, to me, Disney movies like Aladdin, Beauty and The Beast, The Lion King, Peter Pan, and The Little Mermaid, are always going to be thought of as an amazing collection of stories that taught me pretty much everything I need to know about life and every moral lesson you will face.

I mean, I could go through EVERY movie and analyze every lesson I learned from it, and it would make this blog be like 80 pages long because there are just so many!

Good always triumphs over evil, no matter what.
Beauty comes from within, and appearances can be deceiving.
Running from problems is not solving them.
Never forget who you are.
Everything happens for a reason.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side, in the end.
Jealousy leads to destruction.
Good always comes out of something bad, you just can't always see it right away.
Don't give up, keep persevering.
Anyone can make a difference in the world.
You can do anything you set your heart and mind to.

Those are just a few main themes off the top of my head.


Beauty & The Beast is undoubtedly my FAVORITE Disney movie of all time, for so many reasons. I love all of them sooo much, but this one is my pick for best Disney movie ever. I love it for its themes of love and beauty, unforgettable characters, great moral conflicts, beautiful music, balance of dark and lighthearted plot elements, and everything else that goes into it. It's my favorite "lesson" out of all the Disney movies, with a close second coming from The Lion King. The lesson of Beauty and The Beast can be found first in the opening narration lines:

"Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?"

Ugh, seriously...... it's the best. I love it. Ok, I'm tired so I'm gonna go to bed now. Love!<3

I don't know what to title this.

lost in the brokenness
despair in my heart
if these walls could talk
only screams you would hear

anguished flames upon my tongue
hopeless and without refuge am I
piercing words break through my skin
relentless dysfunction woes my soul
-------------------------------

Yeah. I knew this time would come. Upon my arrival back home for the summer, I prepared myself for one thing that I was certain would happen eventually, if not the day I arrived back home or weeks later or what. That one thing was the continuing dissolution of my parent's marriage. It is the one thing my sister and I have fought for 4 or maybe even 5 years now. It has its good days and bad days. Sometimes the days turn into weeks, sometimes months. Sometimes things... are good for a while. Sometimes they go sour. And stay that way for quite some time. It is something that will always haunt my soul, and I'm being blatantly honest here. The instability and constant shifting of how their relationship was doing has worked hard against my sister and I, since we were just starting out as teenagers, to break our entire family into pieces. It has ravaged my heart for 5 long years and I am tired of it. I am tired of a problem never getting resolved with concrete solutions that are possible, probable, and hopeful. I am tired of the unnecessary hate and the strife that has embedded itself into my home and my life. I can't take anymore depressing holidays, where we are supposed to be celebrating life with family members who love each other and treat each other with love, but instead it turns into a father's screaming fit of rage and a mother's bitter tears, and their children's hearts torn in two.

I ask my Heavenly Father for help, but this war is still going on without hope for any help at all. I have asked Him to save my parents' marriage for 5 years now, and it has only worsened. Honestly, how am I supposed to trust God now? I ask you, HOW do I keep believing that this poisonous environment I live in for the next 3 months is somehow apart of God's plan- a plan that is supposed to not HARM me (Jeremiah, anyone?). It's too far. It's too deep. I've been harmed enough already. There's no way I can trust God right now. none.

"you buried me, didn't you... didn't you?"

This summer is already seeming to just fly by. It's almost June!

Saddest thing ever happened last Tuesday evening..............GILMORE GIRLS ended its 7-year long run. It was the most amazing show ever. Aubrey and I freaking cried our eyes out like little babies watching the LAST EPISODE EVER! ughhhh. so when my birthday comes around, everyone just chip in and get me all the Gilmore Girls dvds... sound good??? ok!!!! this is how sad Aubs and I were:

I start working tomorrow at my new job. I'm nervous. At orientation the other day, I learned so much all at once and didn't have a lot of time to process everything. So yesterday and today I've just been thinking about everything I need to know for my job and it's kind of freaking me out, because I want to be great, I want to impress, I want to succeed. It may sound kind of dumb to some people that I'm so nervous about this job when it's just a common retail job. But I look at it differently. Whatever I do, I want to do it to the best of my ability. So, if that means knowing a bunch of different styles of pants (from our Express Design Studio in New York, we have a Luxury Stretch Editor pant that is perfect for a professional look... the pant is versatile, durable, and will last you years, OR if you're looking for something more casual and something you can wear out on the town with a cute top try our Premier Stretch Editor pant, with a lighter fabric that still makes you look fabulous...), and incorporating that knowledge into helping customers find clothes that fit and make them look great, then I'm gonna do it. One thing is for sure, when I dive into something new, I dive in with enthusiasm and great effort. I'm so ambitious when I really want to be, and right now I really, really want to be. I wish I could figure out how to turn it into something that isn't based on a conditional time period, but I don't have that figured out just yet. I don't know, I've been frustrated with myself lately because I've gone so long just kind of slipping by, with school and my grades and not having a job during the school year. As much as people were pushing me and pushing me to get motivated and be pro-active, I just wasn't gonna do it until I wanted it myself. I don't know why it took me that long to feel like this and turn it into productivity, but at least I'm here now.

My sister came home from her medical missions trip in Nicaragua yesterday. My mom and I drove to Omaha and picked her up from the airport. It was amazing hearing her testimony from the trip and listening to all the cool stuff she got to do and all the people she got to meet and impact in a positive way. It's just crazy how much my sister really means to me, and how she affects my life. Right when she got home, it was like I finally felt like it was my HOME. She makes our home feel like a home to me. Without her there, it's just kind of this place where I sleep and eat sometimes. She brought me a gift back from Nicaragua, which I absolutely ADORE. It's a beautiful turquoise/blue skirt with white lace from a Nicaraguan market... and I'm wearing it right now. We are at Java G's chillin' right now, and I'm quite happy. :)

Next weekend, I'll be driving to Wisconsin!! I get to spend the weekend with Melanie, Brek, and hopefully Steve if his leg surgery heals fast (it better)!!! Ugh I'm so freakin' excited you have no idea! I'm excited to get to drive by myself to a new destination, pick out sweet "road trip music" to listen to really loud the whole time, and see the people I miss the most this summer being away from Iowa State!

One of these days, all the girls are gonna have a girls night.... and we are gonna watch 2 chick flicks- Music & Lyrics, and Because I Said So. Seriously it's gonna be awesome. We'll eat, maybe hottub, laugh and cry and whine about guys while we watch the movies, and probably take pics. Yup. Welcome to a girls night. If you're a guy, you'll just never get it. Just like when guys have guys nights, girls just don't understand anything about it.

ummmm, new favorite song: "Love & Memories" by O.A.R.
I could listen to it 100 times a day and not get tired of it!

ok Aubs will hopefully be calling me soon about heading over to Blewis' grad party... so laterrrr.
<3

you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can FLY!!

Tonight, the college kids plus Sam, Bry, and Rob, watched a classic Disney movie at Foster's house. Peter Pan!!!!!!! Sam, Kayla and I got a kick out of naming everyone in our group of friends as they would resemble the characters of the movie.. in personality or looks or both. It was stinkin hilarious! I think we got just about everyone figured out...?? Here it goes.

The Lost Boys
the bear (the resemblance is remarkable): Bryan
the two twin raccoons: Natalie and Caely
the rabbit (can't see his eyes very well, hehe): Kate
the fox (loud and obnoxious laugh): me
the skunk (so stylish in black and white): sorry Lindsey you're the last one to get named and this is the only one left hahaha

Peter Pan (based on who is most childish...): Mitch
Wendy (the mother, duhh): Sam
Tinkerbelle (the jealous b*tch...haha, but of course so very loyal and sweet to Peter too!): Kayla

The Little Bros
John (intelligent, inquisitive bro): James
Michael (silly, little boy): Rob

one of the Indians: Mike
Indian Chief w/ the really deep voice: Tim
Princess Tiger Lily (hot damsel in distress): Aubrey

The Pirates
Captain Hook (Fos should have been born into the life of a pirate): Foster (or it also could be Tim, because of his mustache...but that can be disputed)
Smee (loves to drink like a pirate): JR

The Crocodile (Zach's caveman grunts are basically equivalent to the crocodile's hunger grunts as he rubs his belly like a stupid idiot whenever Hook is near, haha): Zach


ok, so yeah.. good times. Next Disney movie we MUST watch: The Rescuers Down Under!!!

Goodnight <3

can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

soo... I was impulsive yesterday. Just like I was two years ago, when I called my friend Jamie and said, "hey! I want to dye my hair brown! I'm going to the salon right now. wanna come?" Instead this time, I went back to my roots. It's not natural [obviously], but it's dangerously close to my natural hair color of platinum blonde. It makes me happy to see myself in the mirror and feel more like myself (that sounds weird), because I grew up 16 years of my life having white blonde hair. I don't regret dyeing it dark brown at all. I loved dyeing it summer of '05! I loved changing colors so drastically and impulsively, and not telling anyone about it before doing it. I get such a rush doing things like that. I can't help myself. But, for the past couple months, I had been thinking about how much I missed my original locks of gold. I missed bein' the blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl. So, Sunday (Mother's Day), I decided at noon I wanted to change it back, and I was in the salon at 1 pm picking out the colors with my stylist Brittany- who basically became my best friend throughout the whole process.... I didn't leave the salon until 4:30, it took super long because I have so much freaking hair. Seriously you don't know how much hair you really have until someone puts every little strand in pieces of foil and brushes on the highlighting color... on EVERY little strand. ahhh! I was so restless sitting in that chair. But it was fun. I was so freaking excited the whole time. Like I said, I just get a rush doing stuff like that.

I don't really care what people think, even my friends and parents and stuff. I never care what people say about how I look, and I never really have. I just have always said to myself, it's my body, it's my face, it's my hair, it's my look, it's me- so I'm the only opinion that matters when it comes to how *I* look. When my dad saw my blonde hair yesterday, he said it looked great and then said, "you know to be truthful, I never liked it brown!" and I just thought it was funny. Self-image means your image of yourSELF, how YOU feel about yourself, not what other people say and what other people make you feel about yourself. My self-image is all about how I feel about myself, and that includes how I look everyday when I walk out the door. I love myself because God created me in His image, and to NOT love myself is really to slap God in the face if you think about it. I love how I look. I love how I look with brown hair, I love how I look with blonde hair, I love how I look with a bunch of eyeliner on, and when I have nothing on my face when I go to bed at night and wake up in the morning. It's about loving yourself even though you have imperfections. I also think that you cannot learn how to truly love others unless you love yourself, because everything you do is affected by what you think of yourself. If you understand your value and your worth because of who made you- an amazing God who calls you to be like Him- then you can appreciate and understand others' value and worth, therefore inviting love to grow. So yeah. That's why I love how I look no matter what! As a girl, it's common to feel "unpretty" at times and stuff, but those are just fleeting feelings, they don't really matter. I feel "unpretty" when I'm lying in bed in pain from my kidney disease, and when I've been in the hospital for 3 days looking like death and stuff, and after I sweat a lot playing soccer or something... but I know I'm beautiful underneath the sweat and the tiredness and the weariness. Hope this isn't coming off conceited, that's not my intended tone at all- more just trying to help others see that you shouldn't base your opinion of yourself on the opinions of others.

Hair is fun to change. I think I'll be sticking with my blonde roots for now though! :)

On another note,
Today rocked. First of all, I went on a bike ride. A 45-minute bike ride, where I biked from my house in Glen Oaks to the beginning of the Bike Trail by E.P. True Pkwy and Prairie View Dr., then biked for a good 3 or 4 miles towards Grand Av. and Hyvee, then turned around and road back the entire thing and back to my house. So all in all, I think I biked about 8 miles or so. It felt fantastic, but I was freaking exhausted at the end... especially because the entire way back on the Bike Trail I was going against the 30 mph wind gusts the whoooole time and it was mostly uphill once I got off the Bike Trail. I also had the gears on the highest resistance so I was working my legs harder, which I loved, but... my legs hurt like a mother right now. hah.

Then I got home, showered, and Aubrey called me and it turned out she didn't have to babysit! So she came over and we watched Gilmore Girls, had dinner with my mom, and then we went to Natalie's AP Art Show at Valley H.S.... ugh, her stuff was so stinkin' good, she's so talented. It was kinda weird being back at my old high school and seeing a bunch of people I knew, but, at least I didn't get recognized by my old AP Art teacher hahahah, crazy Mrs. Harris. Aubs and I left after about an hour, and we went to the Starbucks on University Av., got coffee, and sat outside at the little tables they had out there. We ended up sitting out there for a good 2 hours! and it was so great, Jared met up with us there and the three of us just sat there and talked the whole time. Aww, I always have good conversations with Jared. He's a good guy. Hah. So he left at like 9, so Aubs and I started driving back to my house.... but at the Mills Civic intersection right by Glen Oaks, we decided to just drive around for a while. We had put in her CD of Disney songs she got from Zach, and we seriously drove around for like a half an hour just bursting out all of the Disney songs... alllll the good ones! the classics... from Mulan, Lion King, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, yesssss... haha we felt SO lame. I still feel lame for doing it. But it was totally awesome at the same time.. hahaha. I freakin' love her. Oh, and we found this sweet park out by jordan creek town center that we never knew was there, and decided it is gonna be our new hang-out spot! wooo, yeah.

Well I'm waking up earlyyyy tomorrow to meet Lindsey at Java Joe's to see her perform her poem for her creative writing class! I'm pumped, because just a year ago I was doing that same thing! yay. Oh and guess what?.....

I am officially employed at EXPRESS at jordan creek mall. They gave me the call tonight. I'm ecstatic. I get paid well to talk to people and look hot and fashionable, I get to try on all the clothes in the store whenever and help crazy mall folk get their style on. I know it's retail, and I've always thought that it would suck to do retail (i've done a little previously), but when this opportunity came up I had to take it and it just seemed like I would fit in. The people make the job in my opinion, and the people there were incredibly warm and fun to me and I could immediately see myself having a really fun time working with them all. I have orientation this Thursday, then I start Sunday. BAM! I'm not a freakin' bum anymore! and I like it.

so praise God for that one. Amen? Amen.
that's all. <3

"you captured my heart, over and over again!"

This is not a complaint, or outcry of unfairness. But it is a realization that has made me feel the need to dive into my thoughts and dig around for a little while. So consider this me digging.

I am one of the unlucky people who have been cursed with "the middle syndrome", as I lovingly like to call it. In almost every big situation that comes up in my life, things never seem to go one way or the other. I am always left in the middle. If it's a bad situation, it's never to the one extreme or the other, it's always just- eh, sort of. Typical things that come from having the middle syndrome might go like this:

Example 1: So there's this guy. You could say I have him, but then again I wouldn't say I have him... completely. He's mine, but....... he's kinda not.

Example 2: Things are bad enough with my parents to make me have to sleep somewhere else every now and then if one night is particularly bad, but not bad enough to make me find a permanent new home/real help, and not good enough to go at least a few months without having a bad night of verbal abuse where I find myself crying on my friend's doorstep needing a place to sleep for the night.

Example 3: I finally find myself in a relationship with a significant other, someone I can really see myself staying with for a long time, someone I can really see myself falling in love with maybe someday... but did I mention we can't really do that whole "dating" thing? 1200 miles of space in between us kind of restricts that.

Example 4: I used to dream about being a professional soccer player for my career someday. I was on the road to potentially making it happen. I was so passionate about my dream of someday becoming it, but, turns out I was only good at soccer. Not amazing. I'm not bad or fair, but I'm not freaking awesome either. Just good. Just in the middle of two extremes.

When the middle syndrome strikes, life becomes stagnant. It also loses some of its color, to be honest. When I can't move left or right, all I can do is remain in-between. When I can't move, I get restless. When I'm restless, I need growth or change or progression. To grow, change or progress, I need to move (I mean this in the metaphorical sense). Vicious cycle, perhaps?

I miss being up at college and the people I only get to see when I'm at ISU, but I am loving the summer fun I get to experience being home for 3 months while I'm not at college. So I'm just kind of in the middle of feeling one way or the other. That's not a very strong example, but, it works. I'm not very focused today, so my writing will reflect my lack of focus accordingly.

Take my kidney disease, for example. It's a life-long medical disorder, yes. But it only happens here and there, every now and then. It's a health issue that may force me to be bed-ridden for a few days, but it's not like something that forces me to be in the hospital for months on end. And obviously it's not a health issue that happened once and will never happen again. So, two extremes... but mine is just somewhere in-between. It's bad. But there's worse out there. It causes excruciating pain for a certain period of time, it causes depression and instability in my life, but it doesn't like paralyze me or cause me pain every day of my life. Eh, it's just kinda there- sometimes it acts up, sometimes it's fine.

Maybe once you become aware of the middle syndrome in your life, it makes you see the "middle" of every aspect. Because it seems to me right now that everything I think of can now somehow come back to this idea of being in an immobile state, being in the middle... moving neither this way nor that way. One of the side-effects maybe...?

Maybe this is of my own doing, or un-doing. Maybe this is all really about the part inside of me that is being pulled two different ways, and I am unable to satisfy both pulls so I just sit still and do neither. What I mean is, maybe it's a conflict inside of me that occurs when I try to be logical, rational, and realistic about an issue, and at the same time try to be optimistic, hopeful, and unrealistic... which results in a stalemate. an ugly stalemate. So that's the middle syndrome, for those of you who maybe have not experienced it [yet].
---

This is what I want to be able to say:

"Drowning
Just as fast as I can
But don't throw me a line
Don't reach out your hand, cause
I'm on the brink of something BEAUTIFUL
And I WANT TO SING ABOUT IT
But I don't know where to begin
Writing a letter
But the words don't
Come out right
Trying to explain how
Nobody can do me like
You don't understand
How helpless I can get
SINCE THE DAY THAT WE MET
OH, CAN YOU FEEL IT YET?

It's never been more perfect being alive.
I've never been so satisfied, oh, oh, oh

I can feel something
Different from the first time
HEAVEN MADE SENSE
AND ALL THE WORDS RHYME
No chance of stopping now
I'm taking it all
And now I'm caught in the air
It's a good life
Pass it up, wouldn't dare
oh what a wild ride
I remember being
Ready and waiting to fall
Just like I did tonight

Spinning
Around and around
Until my left was my right
And up became down
JUST ONE LOOK CAN
KNOCK ME OFF OF MY FEET
SO UNABLE TO SPEAK
OH, HOW YOU MAKE ME WEAK
Though it was a while ago
I still can recall
That moment's all ready
And waiting to fall
Keep thinking back in time
Remembering when
YOU CAPTURED MY HEART
OVER AND OVER AGAIN

It's never been more perfect being alive.
I've never been so satisfied, oh, oh, oh

I can feel something
Different from the first time
Heaven made sense
When all the words rhyme
No chance of stopping now
I'm taking it all
And now I'm caught in the air
It's a good life
Pass it up, I wouldn't dare
oh what a wild ride
I remember being
Ready and waiting to fall
Just like I did tonight." --MAE 

I'm just going to be honest and frank...
I don't like being single right now. I don't like it at all.
Ha. Some people I know for sure would choose this time to laugh at me
and shake their head and say...
"you're never really content, Emily."
It's true.

Hinder is depressing and needs to never be played on the radio when I drive somewhere and forget to grab my CD's :(

This summer is off to a good start, I think. It's early though.... hard to tell for sure. And of course there's no real way to predict what will happen and what will not. But at least I can have an idea.

I now have a summer membership at Aspen Athletic. It's right across the street from Glen Oaks so I can jog over there whenever I feel like working out. My personal goal is to work out at least 3 times a week throughout the whole summer... which includes running outside around Glen Oaks at least twice a week. Working out keeps me healthy. Honestly it's changed lots of things for me and they've all been positive changes. I eat better because I burn calories working out, and I'm eating healthier in general. I'm drinking better (that sounds weird, but with my kidney situation it's super important and I've always had a thing with drinking enough..), so my kidneys aren't giving me problems, I haven't gotten horribly ill from a cold or anything, and my body just feels better overall. So far this week I've worked out at Aspen (eliptical, planks, and lifted) twice, and I've ran outside once. So one more nightly run and another work out at Aspen, and I'm gonna try to keep that my weekly workout plan. yayyyyyy. I honestly haven't felt this amazing in a long time. I've always loved my body and I've always had a really good self-image since I've never had to worry about being overweight or any major physical problems, but this is truly a great feeling to have toned legs and abs and actually have muscle in my arms that is strong (it's gettin' there...) hehe.

GUESS WHAT??? I have a job interview on Friday at 2:30! YEAH! I'm so ready to be away from my house and working and actually doing something with my life instead of being a bum. I want to thank Aubrey, Caely and my mom for pushing me to do it as soon as possible. I know it's not a 100% sure thing that I'll get the job... but I can pretty much say with confidence they're gonna offer me a job. I've decided that if the pay is good, I'll take it no questions asked. I just really need this job. I need it more than anything right now. I need to bring in my own money so that my parents don't have me to worry about when they can barely pay the bills for our house. I need this job so that the burden will be lifted off of me to somehow begin to fix this financial problem. It's like a big open sore, just festering right in front of me, and all I want to do is clean it and heal it and make it better so that the sore doesn't hurt anyone else anymore. So... as you can see, this is much more than just getting a job. THis is like the next step in getting back on track with my life.

I watched America's Next Top Model and One Tree Hill with Lindsey tonight at mi casa... it was great :). I had lunch with Caely & Aubs at Panera, then we shopped around for a couple hours for Aubs' prom accessories! I loved it, minus the fact that every shoe in the entire building fit Caely's little feet perfectly ;) aaaand minus the fact that Aubrey bought the cutest shoes ever and I could buy nothinggggg because I have no moneyyyyyy. soon though. soon.

anyway.

I miss Steve. I'm going nuts. :(

one ring to rule them all

[free from one heartache, yet enslaved to another
i don't think it will ever end, really.]

it's just interesting how much you want something to stick around, but at the same time, you want it to go away. life is full of paradoxes like that.
---

I'm watching "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" right now.... it's at the part where Aragorn bids adieu to Frodo as Frodo realizes he can't trust anyone and must make his way to Mordor solo. Sooo good. I haven't watched LOTR in quite a while... but I can still quote almost every line of it. I know, I'm a big nerd.

I began reading a book today that was a gift from my lovely sister. It's called, "The Gospel According to Tolkien"... and it's freaking awesome so far. I've been a fan of Tolkien ever since I read the LOTR Trilogy, starting when I was in 8th grade. Then I obviously saw all of the movies multiple times (and by multiple... I mean... probably more than 50 times), and I also read The Hobbit, then The Silmarillion. Next I began reading "The Lost Books" by Tolkien, which consists of I think 6 books that he wrote all about Middle-Earth, and I'm still only on the first one. Anyway, I think Tolkien was a genius. I love his views on Christianity and learning about his friendship with C.S. Lewis (who I also love to read and read about). Anyway, this new book I started reading today is all about how Tolkien clearly centered LOTR around Christianity with all of its symbolism, yet purposefully wrote the story to be without religion and only indirectly points to Christian theology and ideas. It's fascinating. You should read it if you have an interest in Lord of the Rings and/or Tolkien (umm, how could you not...).
---

I hate knowing that I NEED to do something, yet not wanting to do that something at all.
I hate that the way I am makes it such a struggle for me to do certain things that I would consider most people perfectly capable of doing with no struggle at all.
---

I am going to change my major at ISU. I'm going to change it from Journalism & Mass Communication to a major in English with a concentration in Rhetorical Studies, and have a double minor in Psychology and Political Science. Complicated? Of course, it's me. What else would you expect? seriously.
---

Well my movie is over, so I'm going to bed now. Peace out.

"We made plans to be UNBREAKABLE..."

[Beginning Music: “We're So Far Away” –Mae]

This is a “first” for me… the whole moving back home from college for the summer. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t know how I would cope with the change. No matter what kind of change it is, I pretty much know that I’m going to be in extreme emotional shock for a little while, then do a lot of writing and mulling things over in my head, and eventually return to “normal.”

Wednesday, May 2^nd, was my last night to spend with the “Helser gang.” It was nothing special. We did what we always did. We moved from room to room, sitting for a while, watching tv, drinking mountain dew, talking, playing video games... we got crazy for a little while, ran in the hallway, played soccer in the hallway… no big deal. Melanie and I ran around being loud and took pictures with the guys, Brek mooned everyone a couple times, Luke had a good laugh out of me tasting straight vodka from his mountain dew bottle (if it makes you feel any better, it tasted NASTY…), and Chris was of course lame and went to bed early forcing Steve to shut off all the lights in their room and be silent… like I said, no big deal ;) . The next day I would wake up to say goodbye to the one person I didn’t want to say goodbye to. Thursday morning arrived, and I pulled myself out of bed around 9:30. At 9:55, I transported myself one floor down, turned the corner, and walked to the end of the hallway and into Steve’s room for the last time. He was getting some of his last things together to pack up before checking out and leaving for his home in Illinois. I sat there on the dirty Helser mattress while he did this, and we talked a little and joked around… I’m not very chatty right after I wake up, so I was trying my hardest to not just sit there and sulk. Then his mom and little brother came up, the CA Bryan officially checked Steve out of his room that is so full of memories, and... it was time to say goodbye. I wish I could have said something amazing, like some great departing words for him to think about on his drive home that would make him think about me. Instead, I just kind of smiled and said “goodbye,” as he walked over and pulled me into his arms and hugged me. I’ve tried to explain the way this hug was played out to others, but I don’t think any explanation can adequately describe the way it made me feel deep inside. First off, let it be known that the best hugs are hugs between a girl and a guy whose bodies just FIT together. Like my head fitting in the crook between his face and his shoulder, and his being able to lightly squeeze the side and top of mine. It just fits, like we are two puzzle pieces and our pieces just go together. So anyway, the initial squeeze phase began, and I never wanted it to end. Even though I didn’t want it to end, I knew it had to. Plus, I was afraid of holding on too long and making it awkward so at that point I realized, “oh I should let go probably…” and I faintly decreased the amount of hugging pressure being applied (hah, so scientific sounding.. I know), but… he kept holding on. He kept holding on! Later I would realize that phenomenal hugging experience to equal horrible pain in my heart. But right at that moment, it was more like bliss. So I remained where I was, and waited for him to decide when the right time was to let go… which was fine by me. When it did end, that was it. He walked a few steps to grab his backpack and a couple other things and join his mom and little brother, and we exchanged what I like to call “offerings of sweet condolence”… where I said something along the lines of, “hey if you’re ever in Des Moines… you better give me a call!” with a little laugh (which really meant, hey please come to Des Moines and see me, please!!!!!), and him and his mom assured that if I was ever in Chicago I should of course give them a call (which really meant, it’s probably not going to happen, but the offer is always there!). They turned towards the door to the stairway. I turned the opposite direction to start the walk back to my room on 4^th floor. The door shut and they were gone. I looked back once to see the back of Steve’s head go completely out of my view, and then I walked away at a quickened pace, trying not to let my emotions show to the entire 3^rd and 4^th floor population. When I got back to my room, I shut the door, the lights were off and the curtains were only half open, and I sat down on my bed and released the tears I had held back when I was saying goodbye. I cried because I was sad, because I hate saying goodbye, because I hate it when people leave, because Steve is not someone I want to go 3 months without seeing, because I got used to him being around, and because he isn’t around anymore. Simple as that, kids.

I laid on my bed for another half an hour listening to the silence until I met Jamie for lunch at the UDCC. I had cried out all the junk I was feeling inside of me, so at that point I was feeling a little numb, and spent from the whole ordeal. Jamie and I ate lunch, then I headed back to Helser to say goodbye to the rest of the crew. Andrew was next. Andrew, Luke, and Pitz (and possibly Chris?) made me freaking cry! they are guys and guys don’t show emotions when they say goodbye, so to make fun of how girls get all emotional, they all came together and held on to each other and pretended to be crying as Andrew yelled, “goodbye guys!!!”… seriously, it made me cry a little. Then Andrew came over to me and Renee- “ok, now the girls”- so we hugged, then that was it. He walked out, down the hall, and was gone.

I went back to Brek’s room because him and Melanie were next. Brek was still packing up and kept exclaiming how he didn’t realize he had so much sh*t and honestly didn’t know he had half of it in his room the entire year. Haha. Mel came over after a little while, and the next hour I spent helping Brek organize and pack his stuff, take it down to his truck, and somehow squeeze it all in there (it was super cramped…). Brek is one of those guys who surprises you, because he’s really loud, vulgar, crude, says what he wants when he wants and doesn’t really seem to care, but then he has these moments where he’s totally serious, somber, quiet, and shows “forbidden” emotions for guys, like sadness and vulnerability. He illustrated this several times throughout finals week whenever him, Steve, Mel and I would be hanging out.. like at dinner one night when he said, “seriously… I don’t want to leave. I almost want to just stay here an extra two weeks...after finals are over, and just hang out. I don’t want to leave.” And he did it when I walked into his doorway that Thursday to help him pack, “Emily.. this is the worst day. Packing all my sh*t up and leaving, uh this is seriously the worst day ever.” Hah, which basically explained exactly how I was feeling about that day too, just worded differently. After lots of lifting and cleaning with Mel and Brek, I got a call from my mom saying she had arrived, so...it was my turn to move out. Mel and I hugged goodbye. She invited me to stay the weekend at her house in Wisconsin over the last weekend in May for her grad party :). Then Brek and I hugged. After Steve, Andrew, Mel, and Brek… I just wanted to break down and die, I HAAAATE saying goodbye to people…ahhhh. Brek even said in his ‘I’m being serious but keeping it light’ tone- “Bye Em… love youu.” And to all you people who think, ‘seriously… it’s only 3 months… big deal’- you just don't get it… 3 months is a long time to not see people you’re used to seeing every day. That’s what I think. So then I went and said goodbye to Mike and Chris, then Luke who gave me the cutest hug ever, and then Pitz. That was basically the gang. One last “goodbye” to Mel and Brek as I walked by, then it was off to pack all of MY crap up and get out of there. Before saying goodbye to everyone, I never wanted to leave ISU. After saying goodbye, I wanted to get out of there as FAST as I possibly could because it was so dang depressing the more I stuck around. I felt like part of my heart was empty or missing. And that’s kind of how I feel, now that I’m back home for the summer. I’m thrilled to be back with Aubrey and our crew here in west des moines, but my heart feels incomplete from missing my new friends I made at ISU.

You get used to seeing the same faces every day

New faces become more familiar very quickly when you spend so much time together

Old faces remain old, and grow older still.

But the fact is… old and new affect me both.

In different ways perhaps, but they mean a lot to me in their own ways nonetheless.

Thursday, May 3^rd, 2007 was best labeled by my friend Brek…….. “The Worst Day.” Moving Out Day. Ugh. In simple terms, I cannot WAIT for Moving Back In Day.

I wasn’t prepared for the intense connection I made with a whole new group of people. They’re a lot different than my homies from des moines (I feel really lame and white for putting it that way.. sorry). I guess you can’t really ever be prepared for that though. People come and go in life. They remain, they leave. Some will stay forever. Some may leave suddenly. Some never come back. Some come very suddenly. Some slowly make their way into your life, and others come in with a bang. All I know is that… my heart is forever changed the more people I come to know and love.

Well…

Considering I have wrapped up my first year of college, I know that the next few weeks are going to be filled with lots of thinking, contemplating, evaluating, analyzing, questioning, digging, confirming, wondering, and of course feeling. I am and will be feeling many emotions over the next month, as I adjust from moving back home for the summer.

This means, that I will be a writing FREAK.

Therefore, this means that overall I will be very happy.

…Just a general warning. <3

[Ending Music: "Mistakes We Knew We Were Making" -Mae]