...and I'll never let this go.

Man... does anyone else feel like they need a good week-long break from school and stuff? Or is that just me? Ok maybe it's just me... but that's how I feel. And the closest break we have is Thanksgiving. It's in November. It's September now. Oh goodness.

There's so much that I have to do! Things just swirl around in my mind constantly it seems... medical tests, start my tutor job, write an essay, make appointments- doctor and teacher both, law & politics exams, make sure I'm doing everything possible to prevent more sickness, read pages of court cases, read chapters in books, finish a book by next Tuesday. And out of it all, I have to figure out what's most important, and how everything follows. I would say right now my health is priority one. Mostly because everything else can't really happen when I am bed-ridden... shocking, isn't it. Then there's the little stuff. Like, clean my room so there isn't week-old soup sitting out on the table, and actually wash my clothes every once and a while.

I'm 19 years old, and I just want everyone to know that I still have trouble taking care of myself.

My latest assignment in my Creative-Nonfiction writing class was to write a personal essay. I missed out on a week's worth of class, in which we discussed and read examples of what personal essays are and how you write one... you know, tone, style, composition, all the basics. So I lacked confidence in writing my own, but I just kept writing because I had this burst of inspiration I couldn't ignore... I ended up writing a 4,400-word story that had me in tears half the time I spent writing it because it was so personal and made me re-live a lot of painful memories in my life. But the product is something... I am really proud of. I don't even know yet if I can turn it in as my personal essay, because of its length. But I think it's one of the best things I've ever written. I threw myself into it at 110 percent, I didn't hold back. At times, I wanted to throw my laptop across the room I was so mad, because I wanted to go to bed and wanted to stop writing but I just couldn't stop. And I'm glad I didn't stop. I don't think it would have turned out the same. I'd like to put it on here... but... it has some names in it and I'm not sure if I should put it on here for anyone to read. I don't know. It's really personal. But if you want to read it and you're a friend, let me know. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

I just think it's so crazy that I look back on my life and I have all these stories. And I have some pretty action-packed, evocative, intense stories... not gonna lie. And to think, I'm going to have so many more stories in like 50 years. Gosh that's crazy.

I've been sick a lot. Understatement. I'm sick pretty much all the time. If you're standing next to me and I don't act sick, it's because I'm acting like I'm not sick. Brief moments-- I'm lucky if it turns into a few hours-- I actually feel GOOD again and healthy and whole... but goodness, they don't last long enough. The worst part about being sick all the time, is being sick all the time and not knowing WHY you're sick all the time. I have some guesses. We have some appointments that are soon going to be made with hospitals and doctors, but nothing is certain right now. All I know is that my body hurts and needs help all throughout the week, for several weeks now. Kidney pain. Shooting pains in places you don't want to hear about. Headaches. Nausea. Sedation. Fevers. Muscle spasms. Backaches. Fatigue. Faintness. Dizziness. That the-room-is-spinning-so-much-I-can't-stand-up feeling... ya know. all that good stuff.

God, I know this is supposed to make me stronger, but all I feel is weak.

I'll be ok. I just have to take it one day at a time. And I am. Tonight I had to leave a show early because I felt like I was going to fall over I was so faint and I got feverish and a splitting headache, but hey- I drove home and tried to focus and not hit another car (I didn't, yayy) and I've been lying down on my futon mattress for almost 3 and a half hours now. I'm doing alright. I can do this. I can wake up tomorrow morning and go to church with Nick. I'll be fine!

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
--James 1:12

I'm trying. <3

"Nick is never ready..." - James. "Shut up!" -Nick

Wow. The Freedom Project played an amazing show last night at the Bali Satay. I was excited so many of our friends came to support them. Of COURSE the best song of the night was "Tell The Ones You Love"... but that was obvious. And I'm super excited to hear Josh and Steve play tonight with their band Adelynne. The last time I saw them was earlier in the summer down in Des Moines, and this'll be their first show back in Ames since they recorded in Chicago this summer. Last night, I was happy to be back in "the music scene" like the days of all the ATA shows. I looked at Kayla though and told her I felt like it should be ATA playing :( cause we miss going to their shows. Nick melted everyone's faces off with his guitar playing, and I knew every girl in the audience wanted to be his girlfriend after seeing him like that... haha. But that's too bad, he's mine :). haha come on I get to do that sometimes, just let me. I can be proud of my babe.

Nick asked me why I gave the show a 9 instead of a 10, and I said because Scott wasn't there. True story. I can't wait til he gets back from Ohio! And Pete! Aw, Pete. But Danny and Isaiah did a great job, and it was so awesome of them to learn all the music so quickly for the guys.

Well I'm heading to Des Moines right now... goodbye!

Up too late ONCE again :(

Just some points I'd like to, uhhh, point out:

-today? weirdest day I've had in a while, what a freaking roller coaster of emotions. and no it's not that time of month.

-Halo 3 came out midnight tonight. I am curious to see how many people will not be going to class tomorrow so they can huddle up in their rooms and play this much-anticipated video game all day and all night, and all day and all night, and so on and so forth.

-regarding my psych class (Social Psychology 280) today... cognitive dissonance? this whole idea just bothers the heck out of me! and perhaps I will explain why at a later time.

-Mostly I have days where I marvel at all that I possess, and how blessed I am. but sometimes I have a day or two where I focus on everything I don't have, and want very badly, and ultimately can't have because I have no money to spend on anything but necessities..... and coffee and the occasional junk food binge. you know. Today was the latter. It's stupid, but I really just want a new dress to wear that makes me look really cute, but there's no way I can just spend $50 or $60 dollars on a piece of clothing without being disowned from the family. For real.

-Last night was a turning point in a relationship, and I'm so glad I have someone who can lead me back to the right thing and not the wrong thing.

-Hey... almost 3 months. that's pretty cool. :)

-I am learning all about marijuana in my health studies drug education class, and the more I learn the more I cringe when I think about what people are doing to their brains every time they want to get high. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I never realized the effects that drugs have on the very cells that everything we do to live depend on, and how every time you inhale marijuana you are robbing the cell of necessary nutrients that leads to a loss of cell energy and then retards the growth, maturation, and optimal function of every cellular system. I think you're pretty stupid if you choose to do that to yourself because you want to feel high for a little while.

-Overall, I am now getting less sleep on average than I used to at the beginning of the school year. This always happens, ugh!!!! I have to get back my sleep system where I'm not up past 12:30 on most nights during the week!! Sleep really does make everything better... seriouslyyyy.

-I am learning more in my Law & Politics (Pol. S. 319-TAKE IT) class than I have learned in all of my classes combined probably from the past year and 2 months or so. It's incredible!!!!! I even started looking at the possibility of going Pre-Law. Yeah... can you even imagine? Sheesh. Anyway, it's a very difficult class. Every day I am forced to learn an entire new language of terms and words and definitions and how to apply them to the law.... on top of that, we must read hundreds of pages of supreme court cases full of dissenting opinions, the majority opinion, complex discussions on original and appellate jurisdiction and substantive due process rights and procedural due process rights... and then apply Amendments of the Constitution and Legislative History and mix in the personalities of Supreme Court Justices and the times at which these cases were decided, and figure out what they're saying and analyze them down to the very last millimeter of information, and then apply all of that in ways that we can analytically discuss in multiple-essay question exams. It makes my head spin every second of every day pretty much, but I can't help but love it!!!

My benadryl is kicking in so I need to turn out the light! the end. <3

"...and I'll take the truth at any cost."

"I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this...

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole."-Paramore


Gosh, I'm saddened by some things. It just kind of hits me some moments more than others, and this is one of those head-on collision moments. How do I say this and tell you how I feel without sounding like a complete hypocrite? I am not perfect. Neither are you. I have my battles, you have yours. But one battle in particular just makes me sad, and confuses me...

I just don't get it. Aren't we supposed to set ourselves apart from the rest? Don't we believe in a God who asks us to be different than everyone else, no matter how good everyone else looks doing it, or how much fun they look like they're having? You know these things, you believe in these things, you go to church and learn about these things every week, you love our heavenly Father and want to follow Him.... and yet, you get to college, and...? You do it, you try it. Why do you drink? Why do you take the cup? Just a one time thing? We can hope, right? But chances are, you'll be doing it again sometime soon. Curiosity? Curiosity will never be satisfied. We will always be curious, so if your reason is because of your curiosity, good luck cutting that habit. Especially if you weren't one of those high school drinkers, why do you get to college and all the sudden feel like it's ok? Like you're not still underage, like you're not still under the commandment to resist temptation the way you did all throughout high school. I feel like going hey here's a high-five you made it through the high-school drinking scene, now welcome to the college drinking scene and... oh, uhhhh I take back that high five. Eh? That's my confusion with the whole matter. If you're gonna drink now, what was the big deal with not doing it throughout high school? Don't you wanna do the BEST you can for the God who loves you so? So you lasted 2 years or so, but now you're gonna throw in the towel- it's just too hard? If you're gonna take a drink now, why did you resist for 4 years or however long alcohol was apart of your social environment? Isn't it kind of all for nothing then?

The thing about morals, to me, is not just about HAVING them. Ask a bunch of people, ask a bunch of non-Christians or non-religious people and they probably have morals too. It's not just about having them, it's about KEEPING them. It's about keeping them even when it's hard, it's about not throwing them out the window for a fun weekend at college parties. Or whatever reason you come up with to justify the fact that you drank when you're not legal. Did you know that the age-limit for legal drinking is the age it's set at because the brain is still developing up til the age of 25, and in special areas that can be hurt and ravaged by alcohol? Our precious, precious brains that let us feel pleasure and pain and control everything our bodies do and feel and think! Yeah, it's not really the government just trying to make young people angry, it's actually for our own good- crazy idea, right? I like rebelling against "the man" and authority every now and then just like anyone does, but I know laws are made to protect us and they're made for the good of humanity.

Why do I get the feeling that people, CHRISTIANS, are just dropping like flies when they stand up to alcohol in the college setting? I don't know. One soul... is a SOUL. So one is enough to make my head spin, but any more than that and I'm in tears over this. I'm not even kidding... I'm really saddened by this. It breaks my heart to see lost people lose themselves even more and cover it up with vodka and beer. It breaks me to see a broken generation break themselves over and over again, weekend after weekend, until they're out of control.

Set yourselves apart.

Something to believe in

My favorite song, hands down, from the "Memory Man" album by Aqualung. Don't these lyrics give you chills? Because I think it captures the essence of lost people. Especially my generation. Check these out-

"You talk too much
Maybe that's your way
Of breaking up the silence
That fills you up
But it doesn't sound the same
When no one's really listening

We stumble into our lives
Reach for a hand to hold
Any wonder we need to find
A certain something certain

Turn out the light
And what are you left with
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty
Press my face to the ground
I've got to find a reason
Just scratching around
For something to believe in

You have too much
And spending all your time
Collecting and discovering
It's not enough
And no matter how you try
You never find the one you want

We stumble into our lives
Without a hand to hold
Any wonder we need to find
A certain something certain

Turn out the light
And what are you left with
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty
Press my face to the ground
I've got to find a reason
Still scratching around
For something to believe in
Something to believe in."

"they taped over your mouth, scribbled out the truth with their lies"

Oh goodness. I could not be more stressed than I already am.

the truth is, I feel like a prisoner. I'm chained to all these obligations that come from my responsibilities and my duties, and I know they have to be done, but they are just consuming my free-spirit, happy little self. Honestly. It's sad.

I thought last year was tough, being a freshman and all. Ha. Sophomore year is even better...... I mean, busier. Maybe it's a different kind of busy, but call it what you want- it still leaves me wanting to run away to some far-away country and never come back. K, a little dramatic I know, but seriously... the feelings are strong here. I'm in the middle of the storm, it's expected.

Class. laaaaame. bye.

Abba!

There's really no other way to describe this past weekend besides this one word: Full.

From the visiting friends, sitting outside Stomping Grounds drinking coffee, smoking and seeing how many drunk people walking around campustown we could get to yell back the Go Hawks chant, walking everywhere and anywhere and freezing our butts off... from the early morning tailgating, the intense rivalry football game, storming the field after a victory and going absolutely insane, running into my 2 favorite boys from Bethel, relaxing by sitting around and drinking tea with friends, having amazing conversations and hearing hilarious stories... all the way to an early morning drive back to Des Moines, laffy taffy for breakfast on the road, church with Nick's family, brunch following, time spent with my wonderful mom at home, my dog bounding from the neighbor's yard all the way up to where I stood on our deck he was so excited to see me, conquering the giant big-screen tv and fitting it in my car, driving back to Ames, resettling, dinner at Clyde's, watching Robin Williams Live comedy show on the big-screen, and rocking Super Mario 64 old school nintendo.

this weekend was definitely full-throttle, and completely awesome. On the other hand, I'm now looking forward to a weekend where I can just relax and not do much of anything.

not exactly a deep-thinking blog tonight, but I promise that'll happen again soon. the thoughts are a-swirling already.

here's one deep thought that I've been thinking about today: if I believe in the God of the Bible, do I live it out or do I just say that I believe in the God of the Bible? because if God is the God of the Bible, the creator of everything, why do I come across a problem and immediately act like the God of this universe isn't bigger than my problem and hasn't already conquered everything this world throws at me? well, I DO believe in God, the God who made me, who made everything, who watches over me like a concerned, loving Father to a child.... so the second a problem comes up, just remember God our Father, and what He did- ALL that He did, and you will realize.. how can you doubt someone who did ALL of that and is doing it all still? Just read the Bible, and look around at your life right now. It's all right there. All the answers you will ever need.

k love you bye!

"I put my faith in you, so much faith, and then you just threw it away!"

This is where I'm at.

I'm on a teeter-totter. Arriving at the pretty park, I let go of mom's hand. I saw it and I ran to it. Reminiscing back to my happy childhood, I climb on and my imagination soars. I'm flying up and down, dodging clouds and pretending I'm a bird. The child in me is full of glee. I am not full of any cares whatsoever. Something changes in the air around me. It's cold. It gets dark outside. The teeter-totter is big and scary. I know I can't get off yet. I'm too scared to move. I'm in shock from such rapid change. My mom is no where to be seen. All I know is that I am not enjoying being on the teeter-totter anymore.

College has turned into a big, scary teeter-totter sitting in a pretty park I couldn't wait to arrive at and enjoy to the fullest. The playground is a canvas of bright colors and covered with shiny toys that sparkle in the sunlight, but the teeter-totter is anything but pretty to me. The up-and-down motion doesn't make me feel like I'm soaring amongst white, puffy cloud shapes that taste like cotton candy. It makes me sick. It's jerking me around and having its way with me. I have no parent to run to. And it's funny, there have been MANY (count them, many) moments throughout my freshman year alone, that I have realized this. I'm getting older, I'm a sophomore now. But I still have moments where I realize it, and it makes me lose my breath if just for that moment. I point to my place in the family growing up once again, and I will do it probably for the rest of my life, not as an excuse but as an explanation for why I am the way I am... I am the baby. My friend Zach loves to mock me and yell, "OH WAHH! you baby." And you know what I have to say to that? You're right. You got me. Yep. I am the baby. I will always be the baby. I will always look to someone else to take care of me before I just do it myself, maybe it will get easier for me later on, but I'm finding that it doesn't matter how many years I add on, I still have the tendency to look up and hope someone else is there to help- a big sister of some sort, in metaphorical sense, and sometimes, in a literal sense.

I'm sure I can think of times in my life where I wasn't the youngest child, I wasn't acting that role. But for the most part, I am the young one with wide eyes and arms reaching out for someone to catch me before I fall. I trust that someone else will always be there for me. I rely on myself for things, but right now this is just how I feel, and I can't stop thinking about how on so many things, I don't or I can't rely on myself. And it's frustrating.

On another note,

I've begun another "wait, what do I want to do with the rest of my life again?" phase. It leads to other questions like, "wait, what am I doing here?" or "wait, why am I doing this, and why am I not over there doing THAT?" Among other things of that kind. You could call it internal mind freak-out mode. Does everyone have a billion interests and things they have passion for? Or is it just me? If you just blurted out a bunch of "things someone might want to do in their life"- for like every one of them, except maybe 2, I would say YES I WANT TO DO THAT, YES THAT INTERESTS ME, YES, YES, YES!!! Well, because of this, I have one question for you "all-knowing career guidance counselors"..... WHAT KIND OF MAJOR DO YOU MAJOR IN AT A RESPECTABLE, 4-YEAR COLLEGE IF YOU LOVE TO DO LIKE A BAJILLION DIFFERENT THINGS!? I would seriously love to know the answer to that.

I want to go to New Zealand, I want to travel everywhere.... Barcelona, Florence, Ireland, Venice, London, Greece, Austria, Rome, Berlin, Sydney.... you name it, I want to travel there. I want to study art and make art. I want to sing and dance for millions of people. I want to build a house. I want to paint and be a struggling artist with no money. I want to touch my foot in every ocean. I want to do missions work in Africa or South America or China, or ALL OF THE ABOVE. I want to write for a magazine. I want to be a lawyer, maybe. I want to be a fashion model and walk the runways of Paris. I want to learn how to play the guitar, and re-learn how to play the drums. I want to take a road-trip across the United States. I want to go to Boston. I want to teach English to 3rd world countries. I want to be a Spanish translator for missionaries. I want to study poetry and all the great poets of the world, I want to be published EVERYWHERE. I want to counsel other people with sicknesses and diseases that affect their every-day life and share my story and touch someone's life. I want to be an intern at a church youth group and work with high school or junior high students. I want to write movie reviews. I want to be in a movie. I want to be a mother and wife. I want to write books. I want to own my very own coffee shop and have local musicians play at it. I want to live at sea for a couple months.

Seriously, that's just the top of the iceberg.

I'm on a teeter-totter.

kidney stones, ISU football, my hero Nick, me= zombie thanks to Darvocet, and critique I just can't accept about my writing... whoaaaa!

I look back on the past few days, and I just don't know what to say about it all. I have so many things floating around in my head right now. I'm having trouble separating it all out and focusing on them one at a time. Instead, everything is just one big blur.

Saturday started out bad the MOMENT I woke up. Seriously. I'm climbing down my ladder from my loft, and the kidney pain hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm just like, are you kidding me? Come on. The rest of the day was off and on, it came in waves, but it was constant. I tried to mask it most the time, but sometimes you just can't. It's never a good day to have kidney problems, but that day was particularly annoying to have to deal with it because I just wanted to have a good time at the ISU football game with friends and have fun and laugh... halfway through the 2nd quarter, I couldn't even hold my self up without someone supporting me, my body was just giving up and I couldn't see straight I was so dizzy and nauseous. I was so desperate to catch a Cy-ride bus to get back to Friley, but none of the buses were coming for at least 15 minutes and I couldn't wait that long... pain was starting to radiate again. We couldn't get ahold of my sister to pick me up and drive me back, so there was nothing to do but just tough it out and try to walk. I walked about half of the journey from Jack Trice Stadium with Nick supporting me and making sure I didn't fall over, stopping every few minutes so I could sit down and regain a tiny bit of energy.. and the other half Nick actually carried me the rest of the way because the pain was so bad, I was crying, and I was exhausted. I don't know how he did it, but somehow we got back to my room and I took my pain medicine.

Oh, the pain medicine.... it's a love-hate relationship let me tell ya. Darvocet is your friend, and your enemy at the same time. It's a narcotic and it helps my body deal with the pain from kidney stones, but it also has the power to completely sedate me, cause extreme dizziness and vomiting, nauseousness, drowsiness, and other things... trust me the list doesn't get any better. It also makes me completely loopy and do things I seriously don't remember and lose a lot of my inhibitions. My sister came and sat with me and Nick for a couple hours, then she left and Nick just stayed with me the entire night, helping me whenever I needed something and just being an amazing support system for my weakest moments. Oh my gosh, if everyone I knew saw me the way Nick saw me Saturday night, I would flip out. I'm too vulnerable, too weak, too helpless, and too needy. I hate it.

Sunday was the after-effects of the pain medicine.... if I wasn't sleeping at my sister's apartment for 3 hours, I was confined in the quarters of Friley not doing anything at all, just kind of sitting there. existing. but not really with it. Later in the evening I felt a little more alive and hung out with Bri, Nick, Eric and Scott up on 5th floor and had some laughs, but then I took two steps back and couldn't walk back to my room without Nick holding me up and coaching me as I took each step almost fainting at times. I hate the picture these occurrences paint of myself, but I can't change them, I can't control them! And I know that I can't help the fact that the pain and the side-effects make my body act the way it does, I can only be as strong as my body lets me be.... and when I have kidney problems, that's not much strength at all. Monday was unpleasant at best, I made it to one meal at least. I slept and rested most of the time if I wasn't making it to two of my three classes (one just couldn't be achieved). I broke down in tears several times because of my frail state, and had to be pep-talked into just being able to walk to Kildee for my psych class. I was afraid of the unpredictability of my disease, and the fear drives me to tears sometimes. The kidney monster can hit whenever it chooses, and I will be helpless no matter where I am and no matter who I'm with.

Walking down the hall to go to the bathroom makes my body gasp for breath, because it feels like I just ran a marathon. Going up a flight of stairs makes me lose my sense of balance and makes the room start spinning until I can't stand up straight. Last night, I got sharp knife-life kidney pains in my OTHER flank, confirming I have problems with both kidneys and not just the left, and it hurt so bad I couldn't walk at all and Nick carried me to my room.

If I didn't have Nick here in Friley to help me do the simple things that kidney problems make so difficult for me to accomplish, like walking to the bathroom or getting up to go eat a meal at the udcc..... I seriously don't know what I would do. I suppose I could recruit Brian or Eric or even Nick Howard to help me, but they'd probably get freaked out by it and that in turn would make me freak out because I hate making people uncomfortable more than anything else. I could call my sister, but honestly with her schedule I don't know how she would ever have the TIME to help me do those simple things like walk down the hall, plus she'd have to drive 10 minutes every time and that's just not even feasible, not with how frequent the problems happened the past few days. Bottom line, Nick has been my hero, and I couldn't be more grateful for someone to take care of me when I can only do so much to take care of myself.

Guess what? I'm friggin dropping Astro.120, THAT'S WHAT!

My allergies have turned into a full-fledged cold I think.... or just really, really bad allergies. The kidney pain exits, and something else enters- that's how it always is with me, you just learn to deal with it.

I got a B on my first essay in my English 305 class, and it pissed me off more than anything because of the comments I got from my teacher.... I could go into it more in another post, but I'm seriously upset. I'm definitely going to talk to her about it, because it's kind of ridiculous. I know that piece was an A. And her comments about my writing are just unsettling, really unsettling. There's no other way to describe it. It made me think... huh... maybe I should find something else to be my NUMBER ONE PASSION IN THE ENTIRE WORLD that I can actually BE REALLY GOOD AT, gosh dang it. Don't mess with my passions. I'm unsettled.

I'll end with these impeccable lyrics from Copeland's "Love Is a Fast Song"-

You dont have to be ashamed
because youre a miracle through and through
you dont have to be ashamed
of the miracle inside of you

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around
my heart is in motion
for the movement thats in you

you should not be angry
if all she wants is your money
you should not be angry
because all you want is her body

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
my heart is in motion
for the rhythm inside you
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around again
your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you

hate.

i'm sick of feeling so sick.

i wish this would just go away.

i can't keep feeling this way.

i can hardly move

i just need to do my astronomy hmwrk....

i hate kidney stones.

"You can get all the love that you need once you give it away." -Mae

Well. I'm sitting here in my room, on my futon cushion on my floor (because the actual futon broke), listening to the amazing voice of Hayley Williams from Paramore and the sounds of the rain outside. I just finished my last sip of hot tea in my favorite mug- yellow and white, from Starbucks, with a cute little stamp picture of a brew. My throat started hurting today, and tonight it is just hurting worse and worse... I'm hoping the tea shall remedy temporarily. I've gotten really lucky with my allergies and being back here at ISU this year, because last year... oh man... it was absolute misery. But, still. When allergies hit at all, they hit all the same.

I went over to Aubrey's this afternoon, and we finally talked about what's been going on for the past two weeks. Oh my gosh it was so good to just TALK. Ugh. Everything is ok now, everything turned out to be just misconstrued and it got dragged out into this big thing that wasn't a big thing at all. I needed to hear her side, I needed my best friend to tell me things that I can't see about myself sometimes. After we talked, everything seemed so clear and obvious, like it all made sense and of course things got messed up for a while there. I'm just so glad that burden is off my shoulders now!

I just feel like pieces of my life that were sharp and detached are now coming back together with a new smoothness to them. It makes me feel so good inside, like all the pain and strife is worth it to get to this point.

In my Creative-Nonfiction writing class today, we were put into small groups and given an exercise that had to do with writing metaphors. Each group was given a sort of common abstract idea, and we had to come up with metaphors for what that abstraction smells like, how it looks, and how it sounds. Out of all of the words, my group was assigned 'love'. Oh, goodness. Here we go. I began thinking wow, this is so easy for me, I write about love all the time and think about it all the time too- all of the different kinds of love, not just romantic. But we had to do it collectively with the other members of our group. So we started talking about what to put, and that's when it got messy. It was so strange to me for some reason. My group had SUCH a difficult time coming up with the sounds, smells, and sights for love. And, I realized it towards the end of class, that it was so difficult because love means so many different things to every person. People base it off of experience, or lack of experience so maybe from what they have seen in movies, or read about, or dreamed about. People personalize the word love by how it has affected them, their definition comes from their stories, their home-life, the way they were raised, the people they have experienced in their lives. It was actually frustrating, kind of. The guy in my group, Nate, kept trying to get us to use "Love sounds like the thunder of an approaching storm"... and that just didn't make sense to me, because love doesn't give me that sound when I think about it... at all. The best I came up with was that it sounds like glass shattering because of the pain that comes from love, or maybe it sounds like rain falling- soft, beautiful and unstoppable. The only thing we all agreed on was that love smells like a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter's night. Because love brings warmth to to the soul, and it can comfort. The other girl in my group, Heather, kept saying that all of her metaphors have to do with bad relationships because of her past experiences, so nothing she said really connected with me. Love is so sacred to me, I understand that pain and heartache comes from love and there is an ugly side to the beautiful side of love, but overall love is amazing and should be considered to be dream-like, surreal, and the best thing to ever happen to a person. I dunno, it's just how I think of it. For the "looks like", I did- Love looks like sunshine streaming through your bedroom window, gently waking you for a new, precious day. I dunno. There are so many dynamics of love, maybe my perspective right now is just very happy and cozy and positive and that's why I had a hard time with this exercise. The whole thing was just very weird to me the entire time, and I had to restrain myself at times from exclaiming- What are you people saying!? this is LOVE we're talking about!!

well, I think I'm going to try to fall asleep soon here.... <3

"...well I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!"

I'm putting my foot down on all of this nonsense. I refuse to give in to what's easy. You know what's easy? Getting mad. Firing frustration off like a gun. Taking advantage of the ones who love us the most... acting as if they'll always be there waiting for our bad moods to get better. I just don't get why we let the pettiness of life consume everything. We stare at these earthly things like it's all there is, like there's nothing more to it than this. Take your gaze heaven-bound.

People are going to let us down. This is a fact. God is the ONLY ONE who will never let us down or disappoint. For all you folks out there who think there is someone else, or several someone elses who are truly ALWAYS there for you and 100% reliable, dependable... sorry to bust your bubble, and I hope this doesn't come off in an angry way- it is more just straightforward and honest, but humans fail other humans all the time. We have to understand that no one can be held to an impossible standard. We have all fallen.

I can only give all of me. Anything else, I can't do it. I have nothing left. I'm sorry. I can share my time with you, use my energy on you, offer my words to you, and just love you in all the ways that we can love people. Anything more than that, I'm sorry, but you're going to be let down if you expect more.

I simply refuse to let the infectious disease seep into my bloodstream and take hold of me. Whatever it is, whatever is making the world off balance- MY world, my people, my hearts and souls that affect me and vice versa- whatever it is, I refuse to allow it to ail my already ailing heart, simply from it infecting people I love and hold dear to my heart.

Gosh.... do you feel it? Do you FEEL?

Let the love of God wash over your heart. If you feel nothing else, feel that. God is love. Love conquers all.

this is the end, it stops here. this nonsense is over. I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!
<3

"Or, storyless, it may spiral in on itself, circling hte core of a single image or idea, without climax, without a paraphrasable theme."

My lyric essay assignment. It took me 2 and a half hours of solid, focused writing. I think I'm pretty satisfied. Lyric essays are nice because they are in closest form to poetry, and poetry is my favorite because of the language and imagery encompassed into it. This is what the Seneca Review published on lyric essays:

"they forsake narrative line, discursive logic, and the art of persuasion in favor of idiosyncratic meditation."
"The lyric essay partakes of the poem in its density and shapeliness, its distillation of ideas and musicality of language."
"...often accretes by fragments, taking shape mosaically..."
"While it is ruminative, it leaves pieces of interpretation. Its voice, spoken from a privacy that we overhear and enter, has the intimacy we have come to expect in the person essay."
"We turn to the lyric essay-- with its malleability, ingenuity, immediacy, complexity, and use of poetic language-- to give us a fresh way to make music of the world."


Emily Sexton
Engl. 305
9/3/07


"Diseased"


It’s happening again. I am lying in a cold sweat, helpless and writhing in pain. Doctors and nurses swarm around me. Their voices all blend together into one sound. The white walls are silently screaming at my frailty. Wrinkled faces above me speak as if I understand. The truth is I have no idea what is going on. Hands are prodding me, needles are poking me. I just want to know what’s going on, but I cannot voice these thoughts and I cannot move out of fear. I am being rolled into another room, and somebody pulls my convulsing body onto a metal table. X-rays seem so cool when you’re a little kid, but lying underneath dangerous waves of radiation is not all that it’s cracked up to be. My mind is lost in my body’s pain; all I can do is feel. And everything feels bad. Everything hurts. I am too young for this type of thing. I thought grown-ups deal with this stuff. Sickness shouldn’t burden my life yet. I have not even entered high school.

The hospital bed is comfortable, but the narcotics seeping into my bloodstream may or may not have a heavy influence over that observation. However, the room is anything but comfortable. The emptiness and lack of color laugh at me, mocking my inability to move or smile. I feel very alone and very numb. The air smells like that hospital food smell, as if the food is sick and in need of some healing also. Unfamiliar faces walk in and out of my frosted vision every now and then. There is a tube running from a needle in my hand to a bag of clear liquid hanging from a pole on wheels. I feel like ripping it out and letting the blood squirt onto the clean, white sheets just to spite this hospital and all the hurt it reminds me of. I swim back and forth between consciousness and a clouded reality. Pain ebbs at my side, teasing me, as I wonder if it will peak again or remain dull. It never really goes away. It’s always enough just to remind me that it’s there.

I’m missing another day of academia, another day of my youth wasted on woe. My sister leaves for school. Hours and hours later she arrives home, telling my mom about her day and the A she got on a test. My body screams at me, desiring to be out running around like my sister, learning about Shakespeare in English class and going to soccer practice. I tell it to stop whining, weakness has chained us to this bed. It wishes for death sometimes, but my mother’s kind words and loving touch push those futile thoughts far away. I am motionless. I am lying in the exact same place I have been all morning and afternoon, in my room and under my covers. If I get up and try to walk around, I drown in dizziness and it overtakes me. Nausea is like an annoying fly that just won’t leave me alone. It has become my only company. This ongoing battle strains every muscle inside of me and tests every ounce of strength I can muster. I keep on fighting.

I could have died, they told me. Six years ago, my life could have ended. I never would have made it to college. I never would have fallen in love. I never would have seen the east coast. I never would have traveled to another country… I wouldn’t be living right now, period. If that isn’t a scary thought, I don’t know what is. People wonder why I live with such joy, why I laugh so loud. They wonder why even someone hinting at the idea of a hospital fills me up with so much emotion, I might explode. If only they knew the whole story. Maybe if they knew a nurse’s error could have eradicated my existence in the blink of an eye, they would understand a little better. An accidental overdose on morphine could have taken my life, but I am still here. Lungs still breathing. Heart still pumping. I am still alive.

My friends are crowded around; they’re holding my hands and rubbing my back. Everyone’s eyes are on me. They begin to pray over me as I cry and cry and cry. The pain exhausts every inch of me, but I can hear their words float through the air and fly straight up to heaven. My tears stop pouring over and the pain subsides in a matter of seconds. How do you explain something like this? Even in life’s cruelest moments, miracles can be found. Hope can never be destroyed, even in our lowest of times. This is the light that shines through the darkness of a diseased life.

The darkness has overcome me this time. I have lost count now. How many days have dripped with this sorrow that comes from defeat? How many times have I been forced to not participate and have fun with the other kids? How many times have I been unable to contribute, unable to function like everyone else? I am so low. No one is here to hold my hand this time and whisper in my ear, “you can get through this, everything will be ok.” I think about the past five years with weariness in my heart. I wonder about the next fifty with fear at the forefront of a mingled mixture of feelings. I’m old enough now though, to know I must go on. Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps pain will hinder me, perhaps it will not. That’s just the way it is. For the rest of my life, kidney stone disease will ravage my body. And every time it happens, I will be 13 years old again, lying in the hospital, having no idea what is going on, just feeling… hurting. But I will be living. And that’s all that really matters.

question.

what is going on? no. I mean it. what... is... going... on? with everyone? with everything?

when did we stop being sisters and brothers to each other? since when do we proclaim messages of hate rather than love and forgiveness, and mercy? when did mistakes become permanent marks that can never be washed away from our dirty lives? I'm not sure that's in the Bible anywhere. I am sure that Jesus tells us to forgive one another as He forgives us, and to love our neighbors. Did the whole world just forget these fundamental truths all in one day, and consequently one by one corrupted every pure and holy soul out there with anger, death, and hate?

when did friends become beginners of dissent? when did sisters and brothers of the same Father decide to forsake friendship based on petty differences? do we write each other off because we have a bad day? since when do people who love each other treat one another as if love isn't the center of every relationship? do we go on offering no explanation, no possible solution? do we treat each other as if we don't exist, as if the problems just float away somewhere in the universe away from us and therefore must not need to get the attention they do indeed require for the good of all, for the good of mankind? we don't do what we do and live the way we do solely for the good of one person, we do it for everyone, because we're all interconnected and we all affect one another- in both good and bad ways. do we give our hearts over to our selfishness? do we give into the hate and forsake the love offered freely to us?

tell me when this all happened, because i must have missed the memo. please tell me when everyone decided to attack and ignore and exploit rather than support, respect and lift up. i feel out of the loop. i feel lost inside the pain that surrounds cold hearts and stony eyes. i'm lost in this.