"Oh the only one I come undone for is you-u-u-u-u..."

After saying goodnight to each other, I was ready to fall asleep and have wonderful dreams. But just as I reached to turn off the light, my phone rang again and it was him. I wondered what could possibly be the reason, seeing as we had been on the phone for hours and had talked about everything that two people can talk about. "Yes?" I said. And then he said those words. Those words we always long to hear in the deepest threads of our heart. Those words that change everything in an instant. The ones that our softest, sweetest dreams are created from. And he said them to me.

I feel that if I had heard this from him a year ago or some other previous year, my reaction would be predictable and assumed. But my life has changed so much in the past year. So many things are different. I'M different. I couldn't answer the same way I would have back then.

My heartbeat was suddenly beating out of my chest and I could hear it as if someone was playing a base drum in my ear. My eyes searched the room to look for some assurance that this was indeed reality and not just a dream. My mouth was moving, but no words were coming out, they were stuck in my throat. I was a deer stuck in the headlights. I felt so many things all at once that I couldn't possibly choose just one of them to express, so my brain opted to give up and express nothing. I wanted so badly to say the words back to him, that was absolutely clear. But I was frozen. I sputtered out a few words of explanation, but mostly left him hanging there in his vulnerability.

My heart was yelling, "Say it Say it Say it!!" but my head was screaming back, "No, I can't!" and it was then I realized how utterly frightened I was of what had just been said to me. Not because I didn't feel the same way. Not because I didn't want this to happen. But because I knew how strongly I felt the same way, and how devastating it would be if this didn't work out someday. Right when he said those words to me, I was afraid he was going to vanish in an instant and be gone forever and I would be left alone. I was horribly scared to lose him. Because I know how hard this will be. Once we admit this, there's no going back. And I'm not completely sure that I have it in me to go all the way. That's what scares me the most. And that's why I couldn't say the words back to him. I am 100% stupid and 100% chicken.