kiss the ones you love goodnight...

The past 2 or 3 weeks have been a bit of a mess for me. Lots of uncertainty. Lots of setbacks.

I've had a problem with falling asleep at night for the past 2 weeks or so. Almost every night, I laid in bed and tried to fall asleep and...... failed miserably. I just can't fall asleep. I would lay there, and think about EVERYTHING going on in my life. I would think about things I normally don't even think about, but I couldn't stop my brain from thinking and churning and reeling. I couldn't settle my body down, so that it could relax enough to shut down for sleep. I was always turning from side to side, never able to stop and just relax. That moment where your body relaxes and your brain kind of "stops", that moment right before you fall asleep, NEVER CAME. So I would end up laying in bed for hours, then I think I would just sort of doze off for a couple hours until my phone alarm would go off to "wake me up" for class. In turn, I wouldn't get up to go to classes because I had gotten no sleep, so then I would fall asleep til 12:30 or 1 pm during the day, not only missing class but missing lunch. So, not only was I missing class but I was not feeding my body because I would sleep instead of eat during the day. It's like I've turned nocturnal-ish. It's been horrible. Finally, when I realized it wasn't just a problem I was having for a couple days, but a whole week, I asked my sister and my mom and friends what I could do. I was pretty desperate. My sleeping pattern was getting soooo messed up after just a week or so of the abnormal sleeping. I tried taking benodryll before going to bed after talking to my mom and sis, to see if that would help since it is an anti-histamine and relaxes your body and makes you sleepy. It wasn't doing the job. I still couldn't shut my brain off at night. My body was relaxed, but I would just go into full-think-mode for hours just lying there, long enough so that the benodryll would literally wear off and I wouldn't be tired anymore, or "sleepy." So I went right back to the way things were. About 2 weeks had passed at this point, so I was even more desperate to try to do something else so that I could properly rest and get back to going to class again. Jamie suggested listening to really soothing music like without words and stuff, like one of our favorite bands- Sigur Ros. So, I now go to bed at night with my ipod playing the Sigur Ros cd, which, does help I think. It definitely helps me relax faster than if I were to not be listening to anything. The major problem was not being able to control my brain. So, last night was the first time I tried another sleeping pill that has successfully helped me fall asleep in the past, like my parents let me take it the night before we were leaving for a vacation I remember, because it was impossible for me to fall asleep being so anxious and eager and such. The problem was, I took it too late at night, and it is pretty powerful, so I slept through my classes this morning completely. BUT, it successful helped me FALL ASLEEP. Like for the first time, I lied there and listened to Sigur Ros for a little bit, then shut it off, felt my body slipping into that sleepy-dreamy mode, found a comfortable position, and... woke up and all the sudden it was the next morning! I didn't even remember Catherine coming back into the room and getting into bed at all, because I had ACTUALLY fallen asleep. Oh my gosh it was the greatest feeling in the world. The only thing I have to do is start taking it earlier, so I'm gonna take it at 11 pm, so, very shortly.

The only sucky thing was, I was super nauseous and dizzy all day today. I felt like this on Sunday night too. BUt... today, my stomachache lasted ALL day long. It was awful. I still don't feel very great. I was feverish for a little bit even. I dunno, my stomachache just did not get better. I tried eating things that were good for stomachaches and drinking liquids that calm your stomach down like Sprite and stuff. Didn't work. Ugh. Then tonight I just was suuper dizzy. I hope it doesn't happen again for a long time. I might be making an appointment with the health center tomorrow, I dont know. Two times in one week, it's just kind of weird. I'd like to get my blood work done, just to kind of see if my bloodcounts and stuff are all normal and ok. Cause... I dont seem ok. BUt, maybe this sleeping thing will help make everything better. That's what I'm hoping! Oh yeah, I also have made a MAJOR change in my diet! I'm not drinking ANY mountain dew, or redbull (or any other energy drink), or coffee AT ALL. I'm also making sure to not drink any tea unless it's before dinner time. I have at least one smoothie a day from the C-store. The reason that's important is because the one I get is filled w/ calories and vitamins, especially vitamin C. I have them put in a booster, called the immune booster, which adds 500 mg of vitamin C. I'm really trying to give my body vitamins and healthy things like that. SO..... I'm hoping all of these things will help. I just can't go on living like I have been. It's not good for me. It affects me so much, I really need to keep up what I'm doing with these diet changes and not give in.

Well time to take my pill and try to settle down. I pray, pray, pray I can have a good rest tonight and that I can wake up for classes tomorrow. I'm really scared that my grades are going to suffer after so many missed classes. But, my health is first. That's for sure.

Goodnight<3