uncertainties of life!

Yep... I'm writing again for this evening. I need to get my mind away from studying Developmental Psych for a while. I've been at it for...... a little over 3 hours. crap.

I changed my "study music" to my "non-study music".... death cab for cutie is now a large mix including jimmy eat world, yellowcard, the format, OAR, acceptance, red hot chili peppers, the wedding, and countless others. music affects my mood greatly. or... my mood greatly affects my music. it goes both ways!

I am once again unsure of proceeding in my goal to receive a bachelor's degree in Journalism here at Iowa State. I don't know. There are so many factors contributing to my constant change in educational direction. I reflect on all of the classes I took this year:

-jlmc 101 mass media and communication (entertaining, interesting, good)
-jlmc 110 orientation to journalism at isu (made me want to jump off a building sometimes because it made me plan every inch of my future all at once).
-geology 100 most worthless class ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE ROCKS!!!!
-engl 105 (i suppose it's now engl 250) (loveddddd itttttt, duh). :-)
-university studies 111 hixson scholars (only thing i got out of it was being able to stare at a certain boy during recitation...) hehehe
-poli sci 251 international politics (very difficult class, extremely stimulating, well worth the crappy grade earned b/c the tests were amazingly hard).
-soc 134 intro to sociology (aka lots of crap and full of mostly relativistic and cynical views on society that completely eradicates truth from the world, seeing as "everything is a perspective!"....).
-music 102 music listening (but should be called boring history of music aka put me to sleep 101).
-psych 230 developmental psychology (besides english, my FAVORITE class, soooo my thing... i love everything i will take away from this class).
aaand, -poli sci 215 american gov't (which shouldn't be a pre-req to other law and politics classes b/c i learned the exact same material in my high school gov't class, aka- lame).

All the sudden, I'm just in a whirlwind of what I think I want, what I know I want, what I should do, what I shouldn't do, what is best for the type of person I am, what will make me happy, what is a smart decision for my future......... ummm, yeah. I've completed (pretty much) a whole year at college, and I still stand here feeling very uncertain about the path I've decided to put myself on (Journalism). It goes without saying that I am a writer. I love writing. I have a passion to write... to express, to communicate, to dig deep with the art of the written word. I think there is so much more to life than just existing and living from day to day, and I plan on finding out what the "more to life" part is through writing to my heart's desire, which, will be until the day I die. If someone decided to completely erase my ability and freedom to write- I would literally die. haha. extreeeeeme. but true!

But.... I don't know. This is what I struggle with when I think about the Journalism department... the career-driven part of it, the necessity for networking, the reporting part of it.... not sure it's my cup of tea. I've said it before, but I would love to be a free-lance writer... and just make money by writing piece after piece and being in charge of myself basically. Something about me and my writing is just not something that fits into working with a corporation, or a business, but being my own business in a way... writing more and more and sending it in on my own time, on my own inspiration, on my own sudden desire to get published. of course, this is not me being naive about money and everything... i know that in order to be financially able to be a free-lancer, I would have to be in a situation where I'm not the primary financial supporter for myself. But. I don't know. I'm just so conflicted about where my path will take me and when and how I get there. I would love to write a novel someday. I would love to publish my own poetry book. I would love to change just ONE person's life with something I wrote..... I would die an accomplished, satisfied, happy woman if I could reach others through my writing. That's my "American Dream" (haha...notice no need for big fat paychecks, fancy mansions, luxurious cars...). maybe that makes me not as American, but, whatever.

I know what I want. But I don't know what to do to get it. And which path to go down in order to know what to do to get what I truly want- to be a free-lance writer... to write for a living... what a passion-filled life I would have! ohhh goodness, it sounds wonderful to me. absolutely wonderful.

So I had this random thought- what if I changed my major to Psychology? and took a bunch of writing classes of course, and minored still in political science. Hm? maybe? maybe not? just throwin' it out there. to myself. throwin' it to myself... yep.

Enough thinking for tonight. I've had a smoothie and a 16 oz. caramel macchiato... I have to release some fluids!!!! I'm done studying for psych for now..... HA, FOR NOW, that's for sure. I'll be studying pretty much all day tomorrow, since I still have about 60% of the study guide to go through. I made a lot of progress tonight though, so that's good.

I'm so glad I don't have to wake up earlyyyy for a final tomorrow!! yay!

Peace Outtt. <3