Music and leaves.

It's so weird how music affects your mood, and your mood affects your music, and how they collide into one. When things happen, you change what you listen to. When you listen to something, sometimes you feel something and something happens because of it. Music for me right now is the only thing besides God that fills the silence in my room and in my heart, whether in-between classes, in the morning when I wake up to another sad day, or at night when the walls shrink in around me as I get ready to sleep after long hours and tense moments. For whatever reasons, all I can listen to from my music collection are certain songs from Lifehouse and certain songs from Acceptance. Nothing else. Any other song is either too depressing, too happy, too upbeat, too angry, or too sad. I can't expand what I listen to right now- I want to keep it a small list of songs that I listen to over and over again... a playlist that's consistent, when nothing in my life is consistent right now. I can count on the music to be there for me. I turn up the volume of the music and the screams from inside my heart subside for a while.

If I were able to write a song, I would write a song right now. It would embody all of my emotion better than anything else could, because I seem to find that my words even fail me at times in expressing what's inside of me... but a melody? a pitch? a note? a song? put together, it's sufficient. If I could write a song today, it would be a sad song. The key would be in the minor key and the notes strung together would become a sad repetition... the sound would be beautiful, but terrible. There would be no build-up, no climax, no sight of an end. It would just keep playing on in the same sad pattern. Nobody would like my song because anyone who listens to it would immediately feel sad. But it's my song.

I couldn't help but empathize with the leaves lying dead and scattered on the ground as I walked to and from class this morning. They used to be so green and fresh and alive up in their strong, sturdy trees. Then the seasons changed. Something happened to make their colors turn into something else, and they dried out, and the wind came along and one blow is all it takes- they fall slowly but surely to the ground. Some land in the pathway of many bustling college students walking to and fro. And as I walked one of those sidewalks today, I looked down and saw all the brown, crumpled, torn, broken up leaves just lying there, after being stepped on by people who are just doing what they have to do. It made me sad for the leaves. I felt like one of them. I feel like it was just a week ago I was a beautiful, green leaf up in my tree where I belonged and thrived. Things change fast. Too fast.