man oh man oh man oh man. one more, oh man. k.
oh my gosh I am dying to be creative and artsy right now, but I have academics taking over my life right now and limiting my "leisure time" to the max. Poo on that. My sadness and frustration last week suppressed my desire to draw and fill up white pages with beautiful, bright colors. As the lyric goes, "it's not the colors that matter, just that they all fade away..." and so they did fade for a little. but now I thirst for color once again. The same way I thirst for my God to fill my cup day in and day out. I need Him so much right now.
Today, I was ok. Today... I was good. I've been very strong. Last night before going to sleep, I had a very good conversation with God. It started out with me being the resistant child... as usual, but ended with me surrendering everything to Him and letting go. It was very emotional. There was some crying (some? how about buckets...), there was some singing, there was some burying of the head, and then there was freedom.
I went to the hospital after my last class today. I was nervous. I set out to accomplish the one task I told myself I needed to do first and foremost, and I did it. I found the hospital, I used the free valet parking service, I sat down with the lab registration lady and gave her my insurance card and allllll the main digits every human must have embedded in their minds to prove their identity and get medical care (social security, phone number, address, you know all that good stuff), then I sat and waited a while, then they gave me my jugs for my two 24-hour urine labs I have to do sometime this week... oh the joy..... and then I went in with the doc and actually got the bloodwork done. I looked away and it didn't hurt at all (it never does... maybe I'm just really, really used to it...), she asked me if I had any questions and I replied no I do not... and then I left. The end. Check that off the list. Next task to tackle? Changing my major.
Every time I think about him (which is so very, very often...sigh...), I start thinking about God. I start to pray. I start to recite the words of a worship song in my head. I start to not hurt as much. The sting goes away for the time being. I don't like occupying my life and my mind with the things I know I don't REALLY want to occupy my life and mind with, but... that's just natural. I know I must. I know God has this all planned out. I know He's holding me in His hands.
Do I sound strong? I am.
But I really want to see him right now, I really want to be next to him RIGHT now...
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