all we know is falling

I can't tell you how fast life can change. But at the same time, I feel like I've been building up to this moment for the past month... like I should have expected it. But I guess you can't really expect something so unpredictable, just the fact that something you can't control and can't predict is going to happen probably- eventually, at some point. There's something crazy about the moment when I realize a difference between something I can handle and something I need major help with. I honestly cannot explain it in words... all I can say is, it's very memorable. That moment I realize I'm not just crying because it hurts, but I'm screaming and wishing I were dead because it unbearably hurts. Now I will tell you why I wrote all of that. I wrote that because of this:

Over the weekend, I became progressively more and more ill with a cold. It turned into more than just a stuffy nose and a sore throat... it became a bronchial spasming cough that left my throat shredded that left me with no voice and kept me from sleeping more than a couple hours for the entire night. Last night was the worst, nothing I tried would help me stop coughing every time I began to fall asleep. Since I didn't get any sleep, I didn't wake up for my 11 oclock class, so I roused myself a little after noon and made it to lunch with Nick. THe entire lunch I just felt like crying because my throat hurt so bad and I still had no voice and coughed like a barking dog mixed with a hacking smoker of 50 years, which all is very depressing because I feel like I am just ALWAYS sick. Nick tried to help me not think about it so I wouldn't get more depressed, and tried to help me focus on one thing at a time.

I had an exam in my law class this afternoon, so after lunch, he bought me a smoothie and we walked to the book store to get me some blue books for my exam. On the way back to Friley, I felt kidney pain, and it was getting more and more painful the more we walked. He supported me and watched how I progressed into a complete mess because the pain was so bad. When we made it back to my room, I collapsed onto my futon cushion and then that moment came- that moment I was talking about before. All the sudden, I had flashes in my head back to my freshman and sophomore years of high school, the two instances I experienced excruciating kidney stone pain that I absolutely could not bear and had to be rushed to the Emergency Room by my mom. I was having that pain, and I might even say it was WORSE than the other 2 times. I was screaming (of course it was a wheezy scream because I still had barely a voice), and I was telling Nick that I just wanted to die, it hurt that bad. I frantically got ahold of my mom and through my screaming and crying, we decided Nick would drive me to the ER, and my mom would leave immediately from her job and get to Ames as fast as possible. Once at the ER, after filling out ridiculous paperwork and signing all sorts of crap while I was freaking in pain, I finally got back into a room. I gave a urine sample. It hurt. I undressed and got into the stupid hospital gown. Honestly those things are the worst invention ever- why don't they have a hook in the back!?!? Anyway... they got all sorts of information from me, took my vitals, the nurse took a blood sample and stuck me with an I.V., finally giving me pain medicine. Ahh. Pain relief at once. Then they attached the fluid bag and flushed me with 500 mL of fluid through the IV. I asked Nick to come back into the room and be with me til the doctor came. Shortly after, my mom and sister rushed into the room to be at my side. I joked with them about random things (I find that I do that in tense situations whenever I am hospitalized) until someone came to take me to the radiology room for a wonderful CAT-scan. Nick wheeled me in my wheel chair with the lady pulling my fluid bag pole attached to my IV, and I did the CAT-scan. I've done many of them before, but still I felt like I was in a space ship the whole time and it was kind of entertaining. I was very relaxed from the pain medicine they had given me, so things were pleasant. back in the room, we waited for results. I was so glad to have my mom and my sister with me, and Nick too. They helped me so much just by being there.

So the results. Cat-scan showed I have 2 stones waiting to pass. One is high up, one is at the bottom of the ureter ready to drop into the bladder. They are both very small, so no blockage problems or anything, no need for surgery (I suppose that's a good thing). But at the same time, it means I have to pass them naturally... and just deal with the pain, whenever it chooses to strike. I also have a urinary tract infection from having the stones, which is very common and I am no stranger to having trust me. But the infection is causing me to feel very nauseous and feverish all the time, it caused me quite a lot of problems last night trying to sleep. ugh. umm.. what else. Oh, they gave me an inhaler for my cough thank the LORD, so that's helping a lot. They also gave me these pearl drops that help numb my chest and hopefully help suppress the cough as well. So I have an antibiotic for my infection, which makes me very nauseous if I don't have enough food in my stomach when I take it. They also gave me Vicodin for my pain as I pass the stones hopefully sometime this week. I had to be on the Vicodin last night because I got a lot of pain again, and then all throughout the night I was nauseous... I don't think I had enough food in me when I took it, I dont know, I have a sensitive stomach to all these medications. So this morning sucked, I didn't make my 9:30 class being drugged up on Vicodin, having to use my inhaler 3 or 4 times in the middle of the night and waking up every few hours feverish and sick to my stomach. It's just not fun. Not fun at all.

I almost started crying when I opened up my e-mail this morning, and had an e-mail from my hardcore law professor, Dr. Waggoner, in response to my e-mail to her yesterday as I was screaming in pain before Nick took me to the ER... she told me her "hubby" had kidney stones so she understood how much pain I was in, and to not worry about class at all, and to just "give her a holler" when I am well again. She's awesome. Kindness from professors never goes unnoticed by me... because I've had so many experiences with them being absolutely mean and very unhelpful.

I know God is with me through all of this, I know He is my strength, I know that I can deal with this and overcome all the pain. It's just very painful and very hard on my spirit, not just my physical body. I need all the prayers I can get. I am very weary.

Love, Em