The Future

I burned a cd today and entitled it my "North Carolina Mix". All of the songs have something to do with my visit there this past week. They are either from a mixed cd Adam had playing in his car whenever we drove somewhere, from songs that we have talked about as our shared favorites, songs I distinctly remember listening to on the radio or something while we were together, or songs that remind me of him in general. Some are kind of jokes, but most of them aren't. This is the compilation, in this exact order:

• 1. Over My Head (Cable Car) -The Fray
• 2. Things We Go Through - Hawk Nelson
• 3. American Baby - DMB
• 4. Ridin' - Chamillionaire
• 5. Buttons - The Pussycat Dolls
• 6. Son's Gonna Rise - Citizen Cope
• 7. Bad Day - Daniel Powter
• 8. Unfaithful - Rihanna
• 9. Blind - Lifehouse
• 10. The Space Between - DMB
• 11. What's Left Of Me - Nick Lachey
• 12. Hide & Seek - Imogen Heap
• 13. Breathe (2AM) - Anna Nalick
• 14. If You Could Only See - Tonic
• 15. Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
• 16. You And Me - Lifehouse
• 17. The Adventure - Angels & Airwaves

...And after I listened to it all the way through, I cried. I cried like a little baby, who doesn't know what else to do BUT that. I'm trying to take everything in and think things through, after all, that's what I do best right? But this is beyond me, I can't control my feelings. I can't control the pictures running through my head, of my hopes and my fears, my blessing and my curse. Call me melodramatic and cliche, but this is the truth. One person, one situation, but it's my everything. Will things ever just be ok? My life is full of contradictions. I want to be in Iowa, but I want to be in North Carolina. I want to go to Iowa State, but I want to go to UNC at Chapel Hill. I want to get up and go, but I want to stay. I want him over there, but I want my family and friends here. I want to be comfortable, but I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be safe, but I want to take risks. I don't know if it's my insane stubbornness that's keeping me here, or a true lack of desire and passion. If it is the latter, then it is best I stay on the road I'm currently on. If it is not, then I hope love kicks me in the butt hard enough to land me where I know I should be- even if I'm scared. But it's so complicated. I don't buy the whole idea that everything is actually simple, our human minds just create complications. I think this is complicated and it would be no matter what. Oh, why must the doubt cloud my perception? I'm "so young"... I "don't know what I want"... "it won't work"... "he doesn't feel the same way"... "it's impossible"...what if I get there and things change?...we'll be freshmen in college...I'm crazy to think he'd wait for me when he's surrounded by girls throwing themselves at him...I need to be with him, I need to stop him from partying too much, I need to watch out for him, I need to...I want to... I can't. Anyway, think of it logically, how would I even GET there, to that point? I can't even see what's going to happen tomorrow! Hm, and I seem to be thinking of a certain Bible verse now. The Matthew one about not worrying, about the birds, and what have you. That one.

I'm writing so much and feeling so much that I'm starting to get a little overwhelmed. All I know is that I was laying on my bed, curled up in a ball, and feeling as if my heart was literally being torn in half as I thought of him and the distance between us. It's been ONE day. One day.

Everyone there, his neighbors, his friends... asked me the same thing after they heard our story: "so do you see a future together?"

How do I answer that...